Ryan thinks of his life divided by his alphas.<\/p>\n
At the beginning it was Brendon, when he turned 19. Spencer\u2019s a beta so he\u2019s good to have as a best friend, but when it was Ryan\u2019s 19th<\/sup> birthday, he woke up at two in the morning gasping and empty and needing<\/em>, and when he called Spencer, Spencer told him, \u201cBrendon\u2019s an alpha.\u201d<\/p>\n It was weird asking the newest guy of your band, the one you decided would be taking your place as the frontman, to fuck you when you just discovered you were an omega. All things considered, actually, Brendon could\u2019ve been a lot worse. He could\u2019ve teased Ryan relentlessly, made some bitchy comment about how as much of a control freak Ryan was, here he was now needing Brendon. But all Brendon had done was, when he\u2019d arrived at Ryan\u2019s front door, half-awake and slightly confused, was kiss Ryan on the mouth and taken him to his bedroom and knotted him there.<\/p>\n When Jon joined, part of his appeal to Ryan was that their brains just clicked<\/em> and Ryan would write a line and Jon would suggest a perfect one to follow it. The other part of the appeal was that Jon was an alpha.<\/p>\n And it wasn\u2019t like Ryan didn\u2019t need Brendon anymore\u2014except he didn\u2019t<\/em>. Brendon had been a convenience, a good alpha to keep him company for three days once a month for the first year and a half. But with Jon around, he and Ryan would be writing something, and then it would be Ryan\u2019s heat, and Jon would still be around, and could knot him just as well as Brendon could. Sometimes Ryan thought even better<\/em>, but that might\u2019ve been the bias talking.<\/p>\n Then there was Alex, so he and Jon could trade off when it was convenient. And then there was Z, who\u2019s reliable in a lot of different ways, but if Ryan can\u2019t find a good alpha hook up for the month, she\u2019s willing to do the job for him, even if he\u2019s not exactly her gender of choice. It\u2019s not that hard anymore, in L.A., when he can say, \u201cI\u2019m Ryan Ross, former guitarist of Panic! at the Disco.\u201d There\u2019s even the bit where he\u2019s worked out a little, and looks slightly less than a mess than he did several years ago, where he doesn\u2019t even have to say his name to get his monthly hookup. It\u2019s not unheard of, and certainly not in L.A., where there are god-knows how many celebrity omegas wearing their scent maskers but still trying to find someone to scratch that monthly itch, the bare, hollow feeling of helplessness.<\/p>\n Ryan knows about the bond stuff, but certainly doesn\u2019t believe in it. But his heat is coming up again, creeping through his bones and making him twitch, and one day he wakes up from a dream\u2014or perhaps a memory\u2014of being 18-years old and having Brendon Urie fucking him into the mattress. His eyes shoot open and he gasps, and his underpants are soaked in the darkness of his bedroom.<\/p>\n He checks his phone\u2014it\u2019s five a.m. He texts Z, u awake?<\/em>, and then remembering that she\u2019s just down the hall from him, stumbles out of his room and into hers.<\/p>\n She snuffles when he barges into her room without abandon, groaning in her sleep. \u201cRyan, goddammit. What?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI,\u201d Ryan says, and it should be easy, asking what he has to ask her only a few times a year. Except this time it feels different. \u201cIt\u2019s my heat.\u201d<\/p>\n Z rolls over, sits up, and blinks at him. \u201cWhat?\u201d she says, and sniffs the air. \u201cAre you sure? You smell kind of\u2026 different.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah<\/em>, I\u2019m sure.\u201d Ryan twitches in her doorway. It\u2019s easier than usual to restrain the urge to pounce on her, and he\u2019s not sure why. \u201cI feel\u2014I need\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou need me?\u201d Z asks.<\/p>\n Ryan stops. He thinks.<\/p>\n He whimpers, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n Z looks at her phone. \u201cOh,\u201d she says. \u201cHappy birthday.\u201d<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n He and Z and now Alex are sitting in the living room. Ryan\u2019s lucky to have two alphas as his best friends, but it really fucking sucks when it\u2019s his heat and he needs an alpha but Z and Alex just don\u2019t feel right<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cGod, I can smell you from here,\u201d Alex says, which is not exactly assuring. Ryan whimpers again and hugs his knees.<\/p>\n Z leans over to perhaps pat him on the shoulder, but they both wince when her hand comes in proximity to him, and she leans back. \u201cWell what are we supposed to do?\u201d she asks. \u201cIs there\u2014do you know why<\/em> your heat feels different this year?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Ryan says, for what feels like the umpteenth time. \u201cMaybe it\u2019s not me. Maybe it\u2019s you guys\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBoth of us?\u201d Alex says skeptically. \u201c\u2019Cause Brie\u2019s heat was just last week and she seemed pretty happy about that.\u201d<\/p>\n Ryan feels a sudden pang of envy. Alex and Brie never talk about their relationship, and while it\u2019s been ages since Alex has knotted him, he\u2019s generally assumed that Alex would help him get the job done. But now hearing about him and his fianc\u00e9e sounds perfect, right<\/em>, and\u2014<\/p>\n \u201cHave you knotted anyone other than her lately?\u201d Ryan asks.<\/p>\n Alex looks uncomfortable all of a sudden. \u201cNo,\u201d he admits.<\/p>\n The searing jealousy in Ryan\u2019s chest increases tenfold, and he whimpers again.<\/p>\n Z, on the other hand, turns to Alex. \u201cWait, are there new developments? That you haven\u2019t told us? Alex!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s my private life, shut up!\u201d Alex says, although he\u2019s blushing. \u201cIt\u2019s just that\u2014she told me that when she was 26 her parents told her she would feel her bond and. She did. And it was me. So.\u201d He fidgets, but beneath it there\u2019s something glowing, happy about him.<\/p>\n Ryan yearns<\/em>.<\/p>\n Z, meanwhile, smacks Alex on the arm. \u201cWell you could\u2019ve told us that!\u201d she says, then hugs him. \u201cCongratulations! How did her parents know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSaid it runs in the family, or something.\u201d Alex shrugs. Ryan and Z don\u2019t expect much beyond that since there are still so many things people don\u2019t know about their third genders, and just. Ryan doesn\u2019t believe in the soulbonding. He doesn\u2019t<\/em>.<\/p>\n Except right now, he wants to. He wants his alpha, that person that he can depend on for the rest of his life, to knot him, to make a family with him, to be his life partner. He needs he needs he needs<\/em> it\u2014<\/p>\n And Z turns to Ryan. \u201cDo you think this might be what\u2019s happening with you now?\u201d she says to him.<\/p>\n And Ryan\u2019s a romantic and he doesn\u2019t believe in soulmates but the hole in his body is heart-deep, crushing, emotional and physical all at once. He needs not just a knot to fill it, but someone<\/em>. The aching is on every inch of his skin and brain and soul.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d he breathes.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n The problem is, he knows who he wants but he doesn\u2019t want to believe it as fact. Because he\u2019s<\/em> not going to accept him at all, and Ryan\u2019s pretty sure that he\u2019ll die if (when) that happens.<\/p>\n The other problem is, no one knows how soulbonds actually work. Most people still don\u2019t believe it exists, and bite bond marks on their wedding nights to prevent that sort of trouble from happening. And Ryan\u2019s pretty sure he<\/em> has bitten someone\u2019s bond mark already, and Ryan will feel helpless and hollow for the rest of his life, constantly trying to find someone to take up that space, but they won\u2019t ever be enough because it\u2019s not him<\/em>.<\/p>\n It can\u2019t be him<\/em>.<\/p>\n Z and Alex help him get to work after they\u2019ve slept a decent amount, Alex in Ryan\u2019s bed since Ryan can\u2019t sleep, horny and twitchy for the rest of the night. They research endless things about soulbonds on the internet, but mostly find cute stories on Reddit that make Ryan\u2019s heart ache even more, stories like heat bonds happening between best friends that fit perfectly, heat bonds with someone that they\u2019ve only dated for a month.<\/p>\n Z also finds: \u201cListen to this,\u201d she says, between a bag of Cheetos at 11 in the morning, while Ryan\u2019s on his seventh cup of coffee. \u201c\u2018I had my heat around my high school reunion, and when I saw my girlfriend again, it was like everything fell into place. We made love again and she didn\u2019t bite me because she never did, but I wanted her to because I knew it was her. I\u2019m pretty sure I was drawn to her as a teen because I knew, in the end, that she was the one I\u2019d end up with.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n She casts her gaze on Ryan. \u201cDo you think you\u2019ve slept with the person you\u2019re bonded with already?\u201d<\/p>\n Ryan hasn\u2019t told them his suspicions, so he\u2019s comfortable in saying, \u201cYeah,\u201d because, in all fairness, he\u2019s slept with a lot<\/em> of people.<\/p>\n Alex rolls his eyes. \u201cOkay, so that totally narrows it down.\u201d<\/p>\n Ryan mumbles in assent, shifting in his underwear\u2014he\u2019s changed it five times already, he\u2019s been leaking so much.<\/p>\n But Z continues watching Ryan.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you think you know<\/em> who your bonded person is?\u201d she asks.<\/p>\n \u201cThey\u2019re called a mate, Z,\u201d Ryan says.<\/p>\n Z continues looking at him.<\/p>\n Ryan sighs. \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n Alex looks at him incredulously from his laptop. \u201cWell then, who?\u201d he demands. \u201cHave we been wasting the past five hours researching this?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, you haven\u2019t,\u201d Ryan says, because he really doesn\u2019t want to say his<\/em> name, but he knows nothing will come of it. \u201cI don\u2019t think they\u2014um\u2014I think I need to find an alternative, honestly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d Z and Alex demand.<\/p>\n Ryan looks forlornly at his phone, at a conversation that stopped three years ago, two exchanges, that he hasn\u2019t had any hope of picking up since.<\/p>\n \u201cDid I ever tell you guys the first alpha I slept with?\u201d he says, instead.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n In the end, Z agrees with him and continues Googling for research.<\/p>\n Alex, on the other hand, tells him not to give up hope.<\/p>\n Ryan is grateful for both of them, but feels he\u2019s at a stalemate. An entire day passes with the awful, painful urge beneath his skin, and the presence of two alphas is not helping him. He misses the days where Spencer was his best friend, because then at least Spencer could give him cuddles and neutral scent, not a close-but-too-wrong one instead. He loves Z, of course, because Z knows the reality that it\u2019s 2019 and trying to hook up with Brendon Urie, much less telling him that Ryan\u2019s bonded to him, is pretty much a lost cause.<\/p>\n But it does make Ryan miss Spencer something painful, in a sentimental way at least. So he does call Spencer.<\/p>\n \u201cHey man,\u201d Spencer says, when Ryan calls him. \u201cWhat\u2019s up?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNothing.\u201d Ryan\u2019s picking at the tacos he and Z and Alex ordered\u2014he\u2019s getting less and less hungry the longer his heat lasts. \u201cJust missed the sound of your voice.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, fruity,\u201d but Spencer laughs, and Ryan hears dogs barking in the background. \u201cWhat are you up to?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust chilling. Eating lunch,\u201d Ryan says, then looks at the time and frowns. \u201cOr dinner. I don\u2019t know what four o\u2019clock qualifies.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDinner,\u201d Spencer says decisively. \u201cThen you can have supper, like the British say.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure it\u2019s the other way around.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFuck you, man, I\u2019m not British,\u201d Spencer says, then laughs. \u201cWhat\u2019ve you been up to, then? Any new songs?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cKind of,\u201d Ryan replies, even though music is the last thing on his mind. And with music<\/em> and Spencer<\/em>, and then out of his mouth spills, \u201cHave you talked to Brendon lately?\u201d<\/p>\n There\u2019s a pause, so minute that if Ryan didn\u2019t know Spencer as well as he still knows him, he might not have noticed it. But then Spencer says, \u201cYeah, why?\u201d Just those two words.<\/p>\n It drives Ryan crazy. \u201cNothing, I just,\u201d he says. \u201cI\u2019ve been thinking about him lately, y\u2019know.\u201d<\/p>\n He sees Z look up from her laptop. He tries to ignore her.<\/p>\n \u201cI mean,\u201d Spencer says, then laughs again, though this time it\u2019s more of an exasperated exhale. \u201cYou could talk to him, you know. You have his new number, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I.\u201d Ryan does. He does. They only exchanged three lines of texts in 2016, but he does. \u201cI could.\u201d The heat is prickling under his skin, and he asks, \u201cHow are he and Sarah?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy don\u2019t you ask him?\u201d<\/p>\n Ryan doesn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n Spencer sighs. \u201cThey\u2019re fine. I mean, like, they\u2019re best friends, y\u2019know? Why are you asking?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI just,\u201d it\u2019s hard for Ryan to breathe, he needs to know if they\u2019re bonded<\/em>, if he\u2019s going to be empty like this for the rest of his life, \u201cI just wanted to know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell again,\u201d and Spencer sounds amused. \u201cYou can ask Brendon.\u201d<\/p>\n They end the call shortly after asking about each other\u2019s families. It feels like a weight on Ryan\u2019s chest should<\/em> be lifted, but it\u2019s not\u2014I could ask him, I could ask him<\/em>, is running through Ryan\u2019s mind.<\/p>\n Z\u2019s closed her laptop. \u201cWhat are you thinking, babycakes?\u201d she asks him.<\/p>\n Ryan chews on his lip. He scrolls down to the U<\/em> on his phone.<\/p>\n \u201cI just need to know,\u201d he mumbles.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Even if Brendon had tried to talk to him more, Ryan knows he wouldn\u2019t have tried prolonging the conversation anyway. They can\u2019t text anymore thanks to that one crazy fan, so he just asks to meet up somewhere, sometime maybe. Preferably in the next forty-eight hours.<\/p>\n To his surprise, it only takes Brendon about twenty minutes to respond: Happy birthday man!!!! yeah I\u2019m free tonight, we could get ice cream or something? and if you\u2019ve never played Fortnite before we can stop by mine and I could kick your ass too :)<\/em><\/p>\n Ryan\u2019s heart pangs in his chest, even though it\u2019s probably just Brendon being nice because it\u2019s his birthday. He texts back: Sounds good, how about that vegan place on Fountain? At 7?<\/em> and Brendon just responds with a thumbs up reaction, because he has an iPhone too.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not a date, because while Ryan does want to get laid, he just\u2014he needs to know<\/em> the situation. He needs to know if he\u2019ll be stuck around waiting for someone who will never feel the same, for the rest of his life. Even so, he changes his clothes for the fourth time today (and his underpants the ninth time), and while Z and Alex have picked up from context where he\u2019s going, they make no comment on it.<\/p>\n Until he\u2019s just about to leave. Then Z says, \u201cSweetheart, I don\u2019t\u2014I don\u2019t want you to get your hopes up.\u201d She has her pouty face on, when she really<\/em> feels bad for him, like when he talks about his father.<\/p>\n Ryan takes a deep breath. \u201cI\u2019ll be fine,\u201d he says, and isn\u2019t quite sure if he\u2019s lying.<\/p>\n \u201cYou got us, you know,\u201d Alex says. Then, \u201cWell, her,\u201d nodding towards Z.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re the best,\u201d Ryan tells them. \u201cAnd Alex, you should go back to Brie anyway, I don\u2019t know how long I\u2019ll be out.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNah, bring Brie over to keep me company,\u201d Z says. \u201cYou can leave too, Alex.\u201d<\/p>\n The sound of their laughter is the last thing Ryan hears as he leaves the house.<\/p>\n He drives to the ice cream place, trying not to feel too nervous. It\u2019s not like he hasn\u2019t caught glimpses of Brendon, at malls or shopping centers or hell, even on billboards. He knows what he\u2019s been up to, because of the radio, because of the occasional suggested YouTube video, from the occasional Instagram comment he sees from a Panic! fan every so often.<\/p>\n But when he goes in and sees Brendon there<\/em>, it\u2019s a whole different experience.<\/p>\n The moment he walks into the ice cream store is the same moment when Brendon swivels around, from his place in line. Their gazes lock immediately<\/em> and nothing has ever felt so right in Ryan\u2019s life. He forgets that he dressed up for this, that they\u2019re in public, that they haven\u2019t seen each other in literal years. It\u2019s like he\u2019s eighteen years old again and in his first heat and Brendon\u2019s shown up at his doorstep, for him.<\/p>\n Brendon is in front of him, suddenly. He\u2019s older now, of course\u2014he looks good, really<\/em> good. Ryan\u2019s aching and leaking so much and trying not to whimper at the mere sight of him.<\/p>\n Brendon says, \u201cAre you in heat? Now<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n He sounds aggravated, and\u2026 kind of breathless. Ryan blinks.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I mean,\u201d he stammers. \u201cI. I took my suppressants.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you sure?\u201d Brendon asks. \u201cI can fucking smell you, man, why would you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n But Ryan knows he did\u2014right before Alex came, way early this morning, Z had tried knotting him and when that didn\u2019t work, he took a pill as Z called Alex three times to come over at six in the morning. It\u2019s the only reason Alex hadn\u2019t felt the need to jump his bones all day, because an omega in heat is a siren call to alphas everywhere, without a suppressant.<\/p>\n \u201cI did,\u201d Ryan insists again.<\/p>\n Brendon glances around. No one else is paying them, much less Ryan, any attention. When Brendon looks back at Ryan, he looks confused and turned on.<\/p>\n Mostly, this is good, but also Ryan needs to know his state of things. If Brendon\u2019s bonded.<\/p>\n \u201cFuck the ice cream,\u201d Brendon mutters. \u201cLet\u2019s go back to mine.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay,\u201d Ryan says, but as they leave, Brendon stops and turns back to him.<\/p>\n \u201cIn separate cars,\u201d Brendon says.<\/p>\n Ryan swallows. \u201cOkay,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n The moment he\u2019s back in his car, it\u2019s suddenly like he can breathe again\u2014except then the emptiness hits even harder than before, because Brendon was there<\/em> and now he\u2019s gone. <\/em>Except he\u2019s not, he\u2019s only thirty-something feet away, in the vehicle in front of him. Ryan can concentrate on driving\u2014or at least, concentrate on following Brendon\u2019s car, and a part of him wants to be let out, to be with Brendon again.<\/p>\n It feels too long and yet not long enough when they\u2019re at Brendon\u2019s house. Brendon\u2019s dogs jump on him eagerly, ecstatic at the presence of a new stranger, and Ryan laughs, accepting their kisses and giving them little nuzzles and kisses back.<\/p>\n When he looks up, Brendon is looking at him strangely. \u201cWhat?\u201d Ryan says, and Brendon seems to snap out of it.<\/p>\n \u201cNothing,\u201d Brendon says, except breathless again. He starts to walk towards Ryan and Ryan\u2019s not sure if he even realizes it, because Brendon\u2019s pupils are blown<\/em>\u2014they were before, in the ice cream shop, but Ryan hadn\u2019t even registered it until now.<\/p>\n Ryan blurts, before he might forget, \u201cWhere\u2019s Sarah?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSarah?\u201d Brendon shakes his head, dazed. \u201cProbably out, I dunno.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre\u2014\u201d Ryan can feel Brendon\u2019s heat, smell him all over. It\u2019s making him dizzy, making his words trip in his mouth. \u201cAren\u2019t you guys bonded?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re married,\u201d Brendon says, which is not an answer, but then his mouth is on top of Ryan\u2019s and it\u2019s all he knows.<\/p>\n They\u2019ve kissed, before; during Ryan\u2019s old heats, and sometimes not, and just for fun, especially when they were both drunk. Not like this, though, where the collision of their mouths is the most right Ryan has felt his entire life, heat and soft all around him, drawing Ryan closer to him, letting him relinquish all his control. Brendon\u2019s scent is all over him, his hands on his shoulders, tracing his spine, at his hips. Their bodies are much different when they were nineteen and eighteen and Ryan feels like he\u2019s relearning, but he also feels like he\u2019s coming home, at every piece and joint of Brendon\u2019s body.<\/p>\n They break away when Ryan remembers he needs to breathe, but then Brendon\u2019s got his hands on Ryan\u2019s ass, clutching and squeezing and Ryan moans as Brendon licks along his jaw, like he\u2019s never tasted him before. \u201cI,\u201d Ryan says, because while he\u2019s not<\/em> clearheaded, he came into this meeting with a goal in mind. \u201cI thought you were married.\u201d<\/p>\n Brendon chuckles in his mouth. \u201cMarried, not bonded,\u201d he says, and when he bites down on Ryan\u2019s collarbone, so close to his bond mark, Ryan moans. \u201cI thought you and your friend had a similar arrangement?\u201d Brendon smiles at him, blinding, perfect<\/em>. \u201cExactly,\u201d he says, then pushes Ryan onto his couch and falls over him.<\/p>\n Ryan is losing more and more of his mind, his sense of being\u2014the more Brendon is all over his body, his scent, his fingers, his everything<\/em>, the more Ryan needs him. \u201cOff, off,\u201d he mumbles, pushing at Brendon\u2019s shirt, his belt, his jeans.<\/p>\n Brendon huffs, \u201cYeah, okay, Ross.\u201d The shirt comes off and Ryan can\u2019t stop touching him, then Brendon\u2019s naked from the waist down too and so is Ryan, even though Ryan can\u2019t remember when he took his clothes off, when Brendon<\/em> took his clothes off. They\u2019re on the couch in Brendon\u2019s living room, so unfamiliar but feeling like Ryan\u2019s, and he\u2019s leaking onto the leather, moaning, wanting<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cBrendon,\u201d he sobs, and then Brendon has two fingers in him, twisting, driving into him, feeling everything inside of him. \u201cBrendon<\/em>,\u201d and Ryan clutches at his shoulders, leaking slick all over his palm and wrist, especially when Brendon adds another finger, then another.<\/p>\n \u201cJesus Christ,\u201d Brendon mutters, but Ryan can see how dark his eyes are. It\u2019s not like a heat he\u2019s ever had, and as much as it\u2019s like being nineteen again, there\u2019s something different about it\u2014how instead of looking for any other alpha, he\u2019s been looking for Brendon<\/em>. Brendon, who still sings his words sometimes, who took something he birthed and made it something different, something not necessarily better but still successful, and Ryan just wants to be owned by him.<\/p>\n \u201cGod, Brendon,\u201d he says again, then, \u201cmissed your cock, your knot, fuck<\/em>.\u201d He doesn\u2019t know the words that are spilling out of his mouth, except that they feel right.<\/p>\n Brendon kisses him again, then says against his lips, \u201cMissed you.\u201d There\u2019s a squelching sound that\u2019s Brendon inevitably wetting himself up with Ryan\u2019s slick, and it makes Ryan moan.<\/p>\n \u201cGod, god, please,\u201d Ryan says, and Brendon slides into him.<\/p>\n He\u2019s not slow, and he\u2019s not fast, but Ryan can feel the length of him sooner than he expects, and it\u2019s perfect. \u201cFuck<\/em>,\u201d Ryan says, and he wants to come. It feels so close\u2014closer than it was with Z this morning, closer than it\u2019s ever been with Jon or Alex\u2014and the stretch of Brendon\u2019s thickness is even more delicious than when he was nineteen. Brendon doesn\u2019t fumble or thrust erratically, sloppily, like a boy who\u2019s just trying to get off; he teases Ryan with steady, slow thrusts at first, looking into his eyes as Ryan adjusts around him, loving the feeling of Brendon being slightly too big for him, slightly too there<\/em>.<\/p>\n He wants Brendon in him always, he thinks, in his haze of heat. Even when he\u2019s not he wants that aching, physical reminder that Brendon owns a part of him, deep in his heart, and his hole clenches around Brendon\u2019s cock, dragging, wanting<\/em>. Brendon groans and fucks into him harder, cock drawing more friction between them, where they\u2019re joined. \u201cYou\u2019re so wet, Ross,\u201d he grunts, and Ryan moans, hearing his constant slick around Brendon\u2019s dick. \u201cDo you always think about my dick when you\u2019re in heat? Remembering what it felt like, wishing it were me?\u201d<\/p>\n The truth is, no, but it feels right for Ryan to say, \u201cYes,\u201d and \u201cNeed your knot so much,\u201d because he does, he needs Brendon to mark him, to know that Ryan is his.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not as tight as you used to be,\u201d Brendon\u2019s biting out, \u201cbut fuck<\/em> if your hole isn\u2019t the best omega hole I\u2019ve ever had,\u201d and the pure thrill Ryan gets from hearing that fills him with the kind of ecstasy that only the impending orgasm can match. Ryan thrusts back from lying on the couch, needing to feel Brendon big and fat inside him, needing to feel Brendon spilling inside him, the twitch and permanence of his cock in his asshole.<\/p>\n Brendon holds onto Ryan\u2019s ankle, fucking him deep, and still steady. He lets Ryan\u2019s knee drape over his shoulder, and stares at Ryan with dark eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cGod, you\u2019re so,\u201d Brendon says, then doesn\u2019t finish the thought, just leans down and kisses Ryan. Ryan makes small noises into his mouth, happy at the affection, delirious from Brendon\u2019s cock, sweating from the heat\u2014<\/p>\n Brendon flips him over so that Ryan\u2019s on his stomach, on his hands more than his knees, still inside Ryan and gripping his hips tightly. He starts fucking him faster, with more aborted thrusts, and Ryan loves it, wants to be used like this. \u201cAh, shit,\u201d he says, and he wants to come, but he doesn\u2019t want to come without Brendon\u2019s knot inside him\u2014wants to come with<\/em> him, wants Brendon to know how much he wants him, how much he\u2019s always wanted him. The thoughts don\u2019t feel real but they feel real now<\/em>, and Ryan\u2019s still making sounds as Brendon fucks him, rhythm starting to grow stuttered, thrusts getting faster and more desperate\u2014<\/p>\n And Ryan is already burning from the stretch and intensity already, but he feels<\/em> when Brendon\u2019s knot starts to grow, from the very beginning. It starts and then it doesn\u2019t stop and Brendon\u2019s cock is all the way in him now, thickening around his entrance, while Brendon\u2019s thrusts become reduced to small, needy ruts. Brendon\u2019s moaning too as he fills Ryan up with his cock, plugged in him so that even Ryan\u2019s continuous outpour of slick can\u2019t ease him out. He\u2019s so fucking big and then he\u2019s coming into Ryan, his spunk hot and deep that Ryan comes when he starts to feel it. Brendon\u2019s moaning, \u201cMine, fuck, you\u2019re mine<\/em>,\u201d as his come shoots into him, spilling and staining his insides that Ryan doesn\u2019t know how to feel anything else. He\u2019s being filled, marked, painted<\/em> inside of him that he doesn\u2019t know how to breathe, how to think as he comes all over himself and Brendon\u2019s couch. Brendon\u2019s cock keeps twitching, spasming, spilling into him until Ryan\u2019s certain that if Brendon didn\u2019t have a knot it would be spilling all over his cock and Ryan\u2019s taint; instead it makes Ryan feel like he doesn\u2019t have enough to keep all of Brendon in him, but he wants<\/em> to.<\/p>\n He finally remembers to breathe again when his own orgasm has come down, while Brendon seems to have stopped, aside from the small ruts from still being inside Ryan. Ryan\u2019s pink and sweating all over and still face down. He feels insane and slightly back to himself again, but there\u2019s still a cock inside him and when he clenches down the cock twitches and tenses and Ryan\u2019s asshole still manages to produce a small bit of slick around it.<\/p>\n \u201cJesus,\u201d says Brendon from behind him. Ryan is loose-limbed, and lets Brendon rearrange them until he\u2019s sitting in Brendon\u2019s lap, Brendon\u2019s cock still firmly lodged inside of him.<\/p>\n Ryan is also a bit sleepy, from not sleeping all day. \u201cIs your wife gonna be mad?\u201d is the first thing he thinks to say, when he\u2019s comfortable.<\/p>\n Brendon tilts Ryan\u2019s face so they can see each other, and gives him a funny look. \u201cMad about what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat you fucked me,\u201d Ryan sighs. He\u2019s still enjoying Brendon\u2019s cock inside him. \u201cThat you knotted me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike I told you, we just had an\u2026 arrangement.\u201d Brendon shifts, arranging Ryan\u2019s thighs neatly around him. \u201cIt was convenient to get married because I liked her enough.\u201d<\/p>\n Then he noses Ryan\u2019s neck, close to his bond mark. God<\/em>, how much Ryan wants him to bite that right now.<\/p>\n \u201cCan you explain something to me?\u201d Brendon asks.<\/p>\n \u201cMm,\u201d Ryan says, into Brendon\u2019s chest. He arches his neck, trying to make his bond mark more appealing.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you took your suppressants, why could I smell your heat then?\u201d<\/p>\n The answer comes more easily to Ryan than he thought it would. \u201c\u2019Cause you\u2019re my mate,\u201d he mumbles. He contracts his hole around Brendon\u2019s knot again.<\/p>\n Brendon groans, thrusts up involuntarily. \u201cDammit\u2014Ryan,\u201d he says. \u201cI thought you didn\u2019t believe that stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n Ryan shrugs, cranes his neck a bit more. \u201cYou can bite me, if you want,\u201d he offers. It doesn\u2019t feel like it matters too much now, but he knows he\u2019ll be asking for it again later. \u201cIf you don\u2019t wanna worry about it later.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not worried,\u201d Brendon says, but Ryan pushes against his cock again, and Brendon grunts again. \u201cFuck, Ross, I can\u2019t believe you\u2019re still a pain on my dick years later.\u201d<\/p>\n Ryan hums. \u201cYou always loved it,\u201d he says, and reaches behind to where they\u2019re joined, teasing his own entrance, the base of Brendon\u2019s knot.<\/p>\n Brendon inadvertently thrusts back into him again, and Ryan is delighted. \u201cAnd you\u2019ve<\/em> always been a needy bottom,\u201d Brendon grunts in his ear.<\/p>\n Ryan laughs, Ryan moans, Ryan comes again.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Afterward, when they\u2019ve calmed down after another round (or two), and when Brendon is still stuck in Ryan again but this time on his bed, Brendon kisses the back of Ryan\u2019s neck. It makes Ryan feel warm in his middle, and he burrows closer to Brendon.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t leave,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Brendon laughs softly against the back of his neck. \u201cI don\u2019t think I can,\u201d he says, and shifts his hips pointedly so that Ryan can feel the stretch of his knot. \u201cRemember? Plus your heat is three days long, anyway. And it\u2019s my house.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI mean,\u201d Ryan says, and laces his fingers with Brendon\u2019s. \u201cAfterward. I\u2019m\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n Yours<\/em>, he wants to say, but Brendon seems to detect it, because he kisses Ryan\u2019s neck again, this time close to his bond mark.<\/p>\n \u201cWe didn\u2019t actually get ice cream for your birthday,\u201d Brendon says. \u201cOr play Fortnite. So don\u2019t think that you\u2019re getting off easy after this.\u201d<\/p>\n Ryan relaxes. His hand is still in Brendon\u2019s, their scent and come and slick mixed. And heat or not, he thinks they can make this work.<\/p>\n \u201cI missed you, you know,\u201d he confesses, and when Brendon kisses him again, it\u2019s on the lips while Brendon says, \u201cI missed you too.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It’s just a self-indulgent post-divorce omegaverse fic where Ryan goes into heat and Brendon is his soulmate, that’s about it.<\/p>\n or if you wanted a real summary: And it wasn’t like Ryan didn’t need Brendon anymore—except he didn’t<\/em>. Brendon had been a convenience, a good alpha to keep him company for three days once a month for the first year and a half.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[405],"fandom":[524],"rating":[677],"ship":[],"relationship":[606],"minorfandomships":[615],"class_list":["post-2132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-default","tag-omegaverse","fandom-bandom","rating-explicit","relationship-slash","minorfandomships-ryden"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2132","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2132"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2132\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2133,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2132\/revisions\/2133"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2132"},{"taxonomy":"fandom","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/fandom?post=2132"},{"taxonomy":"rating","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/rating?post=2132"},{"taxonomy":"ship","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/ship?post=2132"},{"taxonomy":"relationship","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/relationship?post=2132"},{"taxonomy":"minorfandomships","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/fic\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/minorfandomships?post=2132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nRyan needs a moment to remember anyone other than Brendon exists in the moment. \u201cZ?\u201d he asks. \u201cNo, she just helps me take care of things.\u201d<\/p>\n