Of all the Super Junior members, Jongwoon hadn\u2019t expected to stay with Kyuhyun post-band breakup. Actually, he never really expected to stay with anyone\u2014he\u2019d thought that he\u2019d be on his own, alone, no one to be with, no one to talk to. Instead he\u2019s with a man three years younger than him, a man whom he\u2019s known well for the past several years, a man with very little respect and far too much free time, a man with a quick mind and an honest heart to boot.<\/p>\n
In retrospect, Jongwoon figures that the only reason they\u2019re staying together is because they both have their own solo careers as singers. Of course, Ryeowook has his solo career too\u2014but on top of that he\u2019s running a restaurant and also enjoys people\u2019s company far too much to consider having less than two roommates. Kyuhyun and Jongwoon aren\u2019t one of these types of people\u2014Jongwoon had thought Kyuhyun would be, but apparently he\u2019s not.<\/p>\n
He hadn\u2019t even chosen Kyuhyun, anyways. Kyuhyun hadn\u2019t chosen him either. It had been a mutual thing: when they had left, they had moved in together. There wasn\u2019t any conversation or dispute over it\u2014it just sort of happened. At least, that\u2019s what Jongwoon has always known.<\/p>\n
**<\/p>\n
Kyuhyun comes home around five in the afternoon. It\u2019s the normal thing, the daily routine\u2014wake up at six, say brief hellos, have a small, quiet breakfast and then leave around six thirty. It\u2019s what they\u2019ve grown to be used to. Sometimes they\u2019ll be a little early, other times late\u2014but it\u2019s not like either of them know because they don\u2019t go to the same place.<\/p>\n
When Kyuhyun arrives, Jongwoon\u2019s already in the kitchen, fixing himself up a little dinner. His schedule is a little less busy today, so he decides that he can have a bit of time for himself. Cook something from scratch for once, rather than the takeout they usually have (sometimes not even together, since occasionally Kyuhyun will come around nine, or maybe Jongwoon will return at one in the morning. They don\u2019t tell each other\u2014but they expect each other to come home some<\/em> time.)<\/p>\n \u201cHi,\u201d Jongwoon says from behind the marble counter, turning to the front door where Kyuhyun is busy taking his shoes off. \u201cFeel like fish tonight?\u201d He indicates the large bass he\u2019s chopping up on a wood board; he had learned a few things from Ryeowook back in Super Junior days.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun shakes his head no and smiles. \u201cIt\u2019s all right. I need to meet up with my manager later tonight anyways, so I\u2019m probably going to catch dinner along the way there.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh come on, Kyuhyun,\u201d Jongwoon says to him. \u201cLook at this! Doesn\u2019t this look delicious!\u201d He brings up the board and shows the raw fish laying on it.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun grimaces and shakes his head again. He lets out a small, forced laugh. \u201cReally, hyung, it\u2019s fine. I\u2019m going to get dinner with my manager. But thanks for the offer.\u201d<\/p>\n He makes his way past their kitchen and past Jongwoon, down the hall and to his bedroom. Jongwoon stares after him, but then shrugs to himself. Oh well. More fish for him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Kyuhyun and Jongwoon have always been the more talkative of people; but strangely, Jongwoon finds that he\u2019s quiet around Kyuhyun the most. Maybe Kyuhyun gives off a demeanor that makes Jongwoon falter, maybe Jongwoon just isn\u2019t interesting enough for Kyuhyun\u2014whatever it is, it makes the world between them stay at peace for the moments they are together.<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s sitting at his bookshelf and looking through old CDs when Kyuhyun comes home, and turns his head when he sees Kyuhyun. \u201cHi,\u201d he says, because it\u2019s instinct, it\u2019s everything he\u2019s been used to.<\/p>\n \u201cHi,\u201d Kyuhyun says back, putting his bag on the kitchen counter. \u201cWhat are you doing over there?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLooking through some of our old discography,\u201d Jongwoon says pleasantly, pulling out a large black and white disk. At least, the main colors are black and white\u2014but it doesn\u2019t seem grayscale at all (though considering its age it might as well be). \u201cRemember this?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun stares at it. \u201cYeah, I remember,\u201d he says softly, staring at the disc cover.<\/p>\n \u201cGood times.\u201d Jongwoon chuckles and glances to the cardboard himself. \u201cI kind of miss it all. Don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n But when he looks back to Kyuhyun, he sees that Kyuhyun isn\u2019t there. He wonders where Kyuhyun has gone, and why he has left. The second thought lingers in his head a little bit longer, but he shoves it aside and puts the disc back on the shelf.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Dinners together are as quiet as breakfasts together. Sometimes Jongwoon wants to have lunch with Kyuhyun, just to see if he\u2019ll be any different.<\/p>\n The only sound in the apartment is the slurping of the noodles Jongwoon had ordered earlier today, aside from the heater of course. In an attempt to make some sort of conversation, Jongwoon lifts his head up and looks to Kyuhyun who\u2019s still munching on his ramen hungrily.<\/p>\n \u201cHow was your day today?\u201d he asks\u2014strangely, he feels like they\u2019re one of those couples who pry into each other\u2019s lives all the time and reveal nothing. He looks at Kyuhyun expectantly.<\/p>\n It seems as though the question has thrown Kyuhyun off guard. It takes a moment for Kyuhyun to finish swallowing his food before nodding his head up and looking to Jongwoon. \u201cGood,\u201d he says, almost like they\u2019ve been having this conversation all along. He wipes his mouth with his napkin. \u201cYou?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMine was pretty good too,\u201d Jongwoon says, and then it\u2019s the end of that.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Their evening goes by smoothly\u2014almost boring, Jongwoon realizes as he tells Kyuhyun that he\u2019s going out to make their weekly mailbox check. Kyuhyun nods to him and then returns to his computer, where he\u2019s gaming. Jongwoon\u2019s gaze lingers a little longer than it probably should\u2014but he makes no note of importance of this, and goes out to get their mail.<\/p>\n The envelopes are always the same\u2014junk mail, bank mail, newspaper, maybe a note or two from one of their parents. There isn\u2019t anything new in today\u2019s batch. There\u2019s never anything new.<\/p>\n Jongwoon comes back into their apartment soon enough and tosses most of the junk mail (sent to \u201cCurrent Resident\u201d as neither Jongwoon nor Kyuhyun individually own this apartment) in the trash can, leaves a few letters addressed to Kyuhyun on the counter, and then takes the newspaper and goes into the living room. He sits down on the couch and props his feet up on the coffee table, spreading the paper in front of him. Kyuhyun glances to him, a little.<\/p>\n \u201cAnything interesting in there?\u201d he asks him.<\/p>\n \u201cSame old, same old,\u201d Jongwoon replies, like it\u2019s always been his life.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Sometimes Jongwoon will forget that he\u2019s a grown man, except for the days where lust tingles at the pit of his stomach. Then he does what he can to make the feeling go away, in the middle of his showers, and comes out like nothing\u2019s happened. (Sometimes he wonders if Kyuhyun feels the same, if Kyuhyun does the same, too. The thought makes heat and hazes blur through his mind, but he doesn\u2019t bother to stop to wonder what it means.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n They aren\u2019t in touch with any of the other Super Junior members. Well. To say that they never were would be a lie. Jongwoon had attempted to stay in contact with Donghae and Ryeowook and Jungsu for quite a while, but it had all soon fallen away. And as far as he knows, Kyuhyun had telephoned Donghee and Hyukjae every day for a few months\u2014but that had stopped quickly as well. It\u2019s sort of sad, Jongwoon realizes when he reflects upon it. But life must go on.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun isn\u2019t a Super Junior member to him anymore. He isn\u2019t a fellow bandmate. He\u2019s not a friend, he\u2019s not a brother; rather, he\u2019s become nothing but a roommate to him. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t know what this means. But he doesn\u2019t spend too much time thinking about that, either.<\/p>\n A few days later he comes home to see Kyuhyun on the phone, talking rapidly to whoever\u2019s on the other end. It takes a while for Jongwoon to make sense of his words\u2014but then again, Kyuhyun has never been the best speaker. (All mumbles he had been; all murmurs and awkward phrases.)<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Mom, yes\u2014I\u2019ll visit<\/em> you, calm down. I\u2019ve just been busy lately\u2014yes, it\u2019s almost winter, I know<\/em>, I\u2019ll be there with you and Dad and everyone for Christmas\u2014I understand, noona\u2019s going to be there, and so will I\u2014Jesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n When he hangs up, he rubs his temples and sighs. Jongwoon peers down at him carefully.<\/p>\n \u201cEverything all right?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2026 Oh, it\u2019s fine, hyung,\u201d Kyuhyun replies, not looking up at him. \u201cI just\u2026 I\u2019m going to be away for a few weeks, if that\u2019s okay with you.\u201d He peeks at him through his fingers, almost in a childish manner. Jongwoon presses back a small chuckle.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s all right,\u201d he tells Kyuhyun. \u201cI understand. You probably need to take a break from work and spend time with your family anyways.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo everyone\u2019s been telling me,\u201d Kyuhyun grumbles, and Jongwoon laughs a little bit harder. \u201cBut, thanks hyung. Don\u2019t get too lonely without me.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The next few days go by as usual. They wake up, they brush their teeth, they change their clothes in their respective bedrooms. They say good morning and eat breakfast and make sure to see that everything around their apartment is in check. Then they go to their respective jobs, their respective lives.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun leaves on Thursday. Jongwoon offers to see him off, but Kyuhyun politely declines and says that he can get a taxi all by himself. Jongwoon laughs and tells him, \u201cYou\u2019re still the magnae, Kyuhyun. Even to me.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun pauses but doesn\u2019t say anything about this; the next second, he\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s okay with it. After Kyuhyun\u2019s departure, he manages to go around their apartment and read magazines, feed his turtles, eat dinner, and, oh, he can practice his singing now that Kyuhyun\u2019s not here! (Not that they\u2019ve never heard each other\u2019s voices before, but\u2014well, with Kyuhyun around, it would have just been awkward.) It\u2019s just like Kyuhyun\u2019s out late with his work and schedule and everything. It\u2019s just like Kyuhyun\u2019s not going to come home too early, but maybe when Jongwoon\u2019s asleep. It\u2019s just like Kyuhyun\u2019s not here, but he will be here, he will be.<\/p>\n Except today, Kyuhyun\u2019s not coming back.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He tells himself he adjusts to it. He wakes up to an empty apartment (but it\u2019s not empty if one person occupies it, right?) and brushes his teeth by himself (rather than amusedly glancing to Kyuhyun awkwardly in the mirror, no matter how many times it\u2019s happened) and changes his clothes without the fear of Kyuhyun accidentally walking in on him. He remains mute throughout the morning and eats breakfast at the small table with no one sitting across from him, and it\u2019s Jongwoon alone who makes sure that their apartment is neat and tidy before he takes off for the day.<\/p>\n During his work, he laughs with his manager and records songs for his new album\u2014he\u2019s a little flat but it\u2019s okay because he\u2019ll get it next time. He eats lunch out\u2014and strangely, even though he always eats lunch by himself, he feels a little bit more lonely today\u2014and then returns. It\u2019s all part of schedule, he knows. Just a part of schedule.<\/p>\n And so when he comes home, he takes off his shoes and proceeds with his afternoon. He reads some books, surfs the internet a little bit, makes some dinner. He watches some television and spoils himself to a few unhealthy snacks. He calls his mother and feeds his turtles again and cleans up his room a little bit. He does all this, because it\u2019s what he\u2019s always done.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Oddly enough, though, it feels like something is missing. Jongwoon isn\u2019t quite sure what it is, or why, or anything. Kyuhyun has never had the most significant presence, and there was never\u2014there was never anything too special about having him around.<\/p>\n Jongwoon refuses to think about it, though. He refuses to. He goes on because he\u2019s Jongwoon, he\u2019s a man<\/em>. And it\u2019s not just about the dignity he has to retain while Kyuhyun\u2019s not here, but also because of the dignity he has to replace in Kyuhyun\u2019s absence.<\/p>\n But he\u2019ll be back soon. He\u2019ll come home. And so Jongwoon goes on.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (Jongwoon still feels alone, though. He feels alone for the first time, for the first time in two years. Ever since, ever since they had fallen apart, ever since they had broken\u2014)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He celebrates Christmas by himself, which is all right. He\u2019d visit his parents but they\u2019re in Japan where is brother is living, and he doesn\u2019t really feel like traveling outside of the country. Besides, this is Seoul, this is his home<\/em>. This has been his home his whole life.<\/p>\n Of course, he gets presents in the mail a few days after Christmas and opens them up, feeling like a kid again. He gets new clothes from his family and some books and other spare items from old friends, maybe old friends he had forgotten about, old friends who hadn\u2019t forgotten him. Regardless, he doesn\u2019t take a second glance at the names and addresses, and instead takes his new presents and puts them in his room. Then he leaves a small gift in the corner of Kyuhyun\u2019s room, because even if Kyuhyun isn\u2019t technically here, at least there\u2019s still someone he can share the holiday cheer with.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not the same as Christmases he\u2019s had in the past, and it\u2019s not something he can get used to. But he can live with it, just this one time.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n New Year\u2019s comes and goes; and soon enough, Kyuhyun\u2019s back. It\u2019s still sort of snowing a little\u2014it always snows a bit too much in Korea\u2014and Kyuhyun\u2019s covered with frost all over his jacket and shoes and bags.<\/p>\n \u201cHere, let me help you,\u201d Jongwoon says as he takes the suitcase from Kyuhyun\u2019s hand and rolls it along the wooden floor to Kyuhyun\u2019s bedroom. He hears Kyuhyun breathe heavily behind him, probably from the cold\u2014he can still hear Kyuhyun even when he makes his way out of the hallway, and thinks it\u2019s his imagination before he realizes that Kyuhyun\u2019s standing right behind him.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks,\u201d Kyuhyun manages out as he takes deep breaths. \u201cGod, it is freezing as hell<\/em> out there. Was it always this freezing in Seoul? How did we even manage?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have no idea,\u201d Jongwoon says with a laugh as he drops Kyuhyun\u2019s suitcase. He looks to Kyuhyun, to see that Kyuhyun\u2019s cheeks are flushed and his hair is slightly messy, stuck all over the place with little snowflakes dangling on a few strands.<\/p>\n \u201cYou should probably take a shower,\u201d Jongwoon tells him, moving over to wipe Kyuhyun\u2019s face a little bit. \u201cBefore you get a cold or anything, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood idea.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun exhales one last time before leaving the room. Jongwoon watches after him with a smile on his face, feeling a little less than alone now.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Everything seems to fall into place after a few hours, now with Kyuhyun back. Jongwoon adjusts to having a roommate again\u2014it\u2019s a little bit louder than it had always been, at first, but then they return to habit, to routine.<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s not the type to have deep, meaningful conversations\u2014Kyuhyun had never been either, he knows\u2014but he says to Kyuhyun, \u201cI missed you while you were gone.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun laughs a hearty laugh. \u201cDidn\u2019t I tell you not to miss me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d And Jongwoon pouts a little. \u201cYou told me not to get too lonely\u2014which, by the way, I did not<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf you missed me, clearly you did.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow was visiting your family, anyways?\u201d Jongwoon asks.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, you know. Hectic and stuff.\u201d Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. \u201cThe usual sort of family meetings, only this time my sister acted like a cranky old cat lady and my mom didn\u2019t go off on a spiel about my life again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSounds like you had a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou can say that.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun chuckles; Jongwoon\u2019s suddenly aware of the space between them. He brushes the thought aside.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you miss me?\u201d he asks (just for fun though, because he\u2019s not serious\u2014he\u2019s never serious when it comes to Kyuhyun.)<\/p>\n Kyuhyun laughs again. \u201cYes, hyung. I missed you very, very much.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n So it seems like everything is normal again. Because it is, it really is. It\u2019s normal again because Kyuhyun\u2019s back, and even if it isn\u2019t significantly louder, it\u2019s significantly less empty around here.<\/p>\n But it makes Jongwoon think. It makes Jongwoon think, how Kyuhyun was gone, like he\u2019s always been gone, but he\u2019s not. They\u2019re here together\u2014and even though Kyuhyun had left, he had come back. Because this is his home. This is Jongwoon\u2019s home, and this is Kyuhyun\u2019s home. This is the home that they have together.<\/p>\n The thought makes Jongwoon wonder where\u2019s his home, if this is the home they\u2019re really supposed to have.<\/p>\n He keeps silent, though.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n But then again\u2014<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon brings up the subject of Super Junior over dinner.<\/p>\n \u201cI kind of,\u201d he starts, \u201cI kind of miss everything, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun looks at him from his rice. \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSuper Junior,\u201d Jongwoon states\u2014Kyuhyun freezes. \u201cYou remember, right? How we were all together, one big happy family\u2026 one really<\/em> big family,\u201d and he chuckles, \u201cbut still. It was really nice. I miss it.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n Jongwoon tilts his head to the side. \u201cYou do<\/em> remember, don\u2019t you, Kyuhyun?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course I do.\u201d Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t look up. \u201cHow can I not?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy don\u2019t you say anything about it, then?\u201d Jongwoon asks.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun glances to him. \u201cMaybe I just don\u2019t have anything to say,\u201d he snaps.<\/p>\n Alarmed, Jongwoon puts his chopsticks down and looks at Kyuhyun worriedly. \u201cAre you okay, Kyuhyun? Is there something you want to talk about?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun drops his own chopsticks; it lands on the table with a loud clang. He gets up from the table.<\/p>\n \u201cWh-Where are you going?\u201d Jongwoon asks as Kyuhyun starts to walk away. \u201cYou can\u2019t just\u2014Kyuhyun!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not hungry,\u201d is Kyuhyun\u2019s reply.<\/p>\n All Jongwoon hears afterwards is a slam of a door. He sighs and puts his head in his hands, lost and confused.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The next day is awkward, mostly because the last time they had seen each other was dinner the day previous. Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t say anything so Jongwoon doesn\u2019t either, though the thoughts still trouble him as he looks at Kyuhyun while he brushes his teeth. Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows towards him in the mirror.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re so creepy, hyung,\u201d he says to him, gaze fixed on his reflection.<\/p>\n \u201cWh\u2014\u201d Jongwoon suddenly blushes at the realization that he\u2019s staring, and quickly darts his eyes away. \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s fine,\u201d Kyuhyun says with a chuckle, and then spits into the sink.<\/p>\n Their morning goes on like it always does, though Jongwoon can\u2019t help but look at Kyuhyun a little longer as Kyuhyun stands in the doorway, putting his shoes on. Kyuhyun glances at him; Jongwoon quickly averts his eyes to the sink instead.<\/p>\n \u201cMake sure that you lock your turtle tank today,\u201d he says to him. \u201cI don\u2019t want to find your pets\u2019 waste in my room like I did a few weeks ago.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon chuckles, trying to make it sound real. \u201cOkay, I will,\u201d he says to Kyuhyun, and doesn\u2019t respond when Kyuhyun bids him farewell.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The thing is, Jongwoon misses Super Junior. He misses them a lot. He misses all the members\u2014and he can list them off, one by one if he really wanted to. He misses singing with them, dancing with them, going on shows with them, recording in the studio with them\u2014it\u2019s not the same, now, recording songs on his own. There\u2019s no one for him to make stupid remarks with, to be stupid with, to make inside jokes with, to tease and laugh with.<\/p>\n He supposes he\u2019s alone. (But he does<\/em> have Kyuhyun.)<\/p>\n And anyways, he tells himself, he\u2019s not really alone. He probably just reminisces too much. Misses the past too much. There\u2019s nothing he can do about it now. He has to learn to be independent. He has to learn to be by himself. He has to learn to be on his own.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun isn\u2019t helping him with this.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He decides not to bring up the subject of Super Junior again, in case of angering Kyuhyun. He doesn\u2019t have to worry, though. He rarely has the words to speak.<\/p>\n Somehow, the subject of China comes between them later this afternoon, while Kyuhyun is on the computer and Jongwoon is looking over some of his old music theory notes, trying to get inspiration for a tune. He isn\u2019t even aware that they had been talking, but one thing leads to the next and suddenly Jongwoon finds himself asking, \u201cSo, have you been to China recently?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun hesitates. \u201cNo,\u201d he says. \u201cI haven\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s a pity,\u201d says Jongwoon\u2014memories of Super Junior M flood back to him, memories of the more successful subgroup, memories of Super Girl and Too Perfect and all the other songs afterward and before and in between. Memories of watching, and waiting, waiting for Kyuhyun and Ryeowook and Donghae and Siwon to come back. Memories of seeing Henry cry and Zhou Mi struggle and Hankyung plead from a distance. Memories of envy as he\u2019d seen Hyukjae and Sungmin go, and felt lost, alone. Abandoned.<\/p>\n \u201cWe should go visit there some time,\u201d Jongwoon continues, pushing these memories out of his head. \u201cIt\u2019d be nice.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt would be,\u201d Kyuhyun replies.<\/p>\n \u201cWe can visit Zhou Mi and Hankyung again.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun looks at him from behind his laptop screen.<\/p>\n \u201cHyung,\u201d he says quietly, almost begging him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n It usually doesn\u2019t take Jongwoon that long to come home, but he\u2019s cursing and muttering swear words under his breath as he walks down the street from the bus stop, covering up his head. He wishes he had brought an umbrella. He really does.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not the same as the days when he had been famous. Not to say that he\u2019s not famous now\u2014he\u2019s just less famous. It\u2019s different from being in a boy band. And of course, Jongwoon misses it. And of course, Jongwoon tries to ignore these reminders as he stomps through puddles and accidentally gets his jeans wet.<\/p>\n The minute he enters the apartment, he moans, \u201cThank God I\u2019m home!\u201d He throws his bag aside and throws his shoes off and flops onto the couch in the living room. Kyuhyun comes out of his room at that moment with his laptop in his arms, and looks down at Jongwoon\u2019s backside amusedly.<\/p>\n \u201cRough day?\u201d he asks\u2014though Jongwoon rarely ever has rough days, so it\u2019s strange for him to ask.<\/p>\n Jongwoon doesn\u2019t roll over from having his nose buried into the couch cushions. He doesn\u2019t even attempt to answer coherently. Instead he must makes another groaning noise, and hears Kyuhyun chuckle behind him.<\/p>\n \u201cWell don\u2019t stay there all night,\u201d he says. \u201cI want you to make me dinner this evening.\u201d And then he walks out of the living room, computer still cradled in his hands.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s more than willing to make him dinner, only because this is the first time Kyuhyun has asked. He doesn\u2019t even ask why Kyuhyun had done so\u2014he eagerly stirs the broccoli around in their barely-used pan, and thinks of the delicious dishes he\u2019s going to make for Kyuhyun tonight.<\/p>\n The food doesn\u2019t come out as good as he had hoped, but Kyuhyun seems pretty content with it as he eats it all up along with the rice Jongwoon had steamed earlier. Jongwoon watches him as Kyuhyun sticks his chopsticks out to pick up another piece of meat again, and words fall fast from his lips before he has the chance to think.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you miss Ryeowook?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun stops instantly; his chopsticks are frozen in midair. \u201cNo,\u201d he replies immediately, before grabbing the piece of pork he had been reaching out for.<\/p>\n \u201cBut.\u201d Jongwoon thinks over his words. \u201cBut you never want me to cook\u2014I mean, not that I\u2019m opposed to cooking for you, but\u2014but it\u2019s a little odd, don\u2019t you think?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d Kyuhyun says again. His face is buried in his rice bowl. He doesn\u2019t meet Jongwoon\u2019s gaze.<\/p>\n \u201cBut Ryeowook, he-he\u2019d always been the one who had cooked for us, back when\u2014back when we were Super Junior, when we were in a band\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about,\u201d Kyuhyun says curtly. \u201cStop talking nonsense, hyung.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Most of the time, Jongwoon isn\u2019t bothered when Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t speak to him all morning; they can go days without speaking and both will feel fine. But for some reason, today feels different. Awkward. Like Kyuhyun\u2019s purposely not speaking, not speaking to him<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun,\u201d Jongwoon says to him over breakfast. \u201cKyuhyun? Are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t look at him. He continues eating his porridge, as if he hadn\u2019t heard the man only a few feet away speak to him.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun?\u201d Jongwoon says again. \u201cKyuhyun, do you- do you want me to make dinner for you again?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun gets up from the table and dumps his food in the sink. Then he grabs his bag and leaves.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n This goes on for the rest of the day. The next day, too. Jongwoon\u2019s pretty sure he knows what this is about, but\u2014well, he\u2019s not really in the position of making assumptions.<\/p>\n After all, how can he make assumptions about a man he now barely knows?<\/p>\n Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t come home from dinner, though at one in the morning Jongwoon can hear the door open and can see lights flicker on in the living room, from his place in bed. He watches closely through the small gap in his doorway as Kyuhyun walks around, stretches, grabs a few crackers to eat, and then goes into the hallway. He watches as Kyuhyun wanders around and then enters the bathroom, checks himself out in the mirror, brushes his teeth, and then trudges into his bedroom. He watches as Kyuhyun comes out once again, now in pajamas, and goes into the living room to turn out the light. He watches as Kyuhyun turns and goes back down the hall, as Kyuhyun walks away.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The days that follow are silent ones\u2014and not the normal silent ones; but rather, the silent ones where Jongwoon just wants to scream and break something because it\u2019s the sort of silence where it\u2019s like the string of tension is hanging in the air and it won\u2019t come down<\/em>.<\/p>\n Jongwoon ends up slipping on the last piece of melting snow in the middle of the street, and finds himself calling the hospital; and then suddenly he\u2019s perched up on a pair of crutches, with his right foot dangling in the air. He\u2019s told by his doctor that he should be accompanied at all times, and when Jongwoon tells him that it\u2019s not likely for that to happen, the doctor says that he should be careful then. He tells Jongwoon to be steady and perhaps call in to say that he can\u2019t go to work for a while, because he really can\u2019t. Jongwoon thanks him and then makes his way back home, all the while avoiding all the melted snow in the streets.<\/p>\n And all the while, Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t help him. Not once.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n This isn\u2019t true, actually\u2014though it\u2019s what Jongwoon had expected to be true. (He should stop expecting things, shouldn\u2019t he? Or rather, not expecting them.) But as soon as Kyuhyun sees that Jongwoon is injured, that Jongwoon is hurt, he rushes to his side immediately.<\/p>\n \u201cHyung, are you okay?\u201d he asks him, running toward him and grabbing his bag, putting it on the ground before examining him some more. \u201cHyung, you don\u2019t\u2014are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d Jongwoon says with a light laugh, looking down at Kyuhyun. \u201cJust sprained an ankle, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2018Just sprained an ankle?\u2019 That doesn\u2019t sound very good! Well, what do I know,\u201d Kyuhyun adds to his train of thought, \u201cthough I guess that doesn\u2019t matter. You can\u2019t be fine<\/em> if you\u2019re on crutches, hyung! You really can\u2019t be!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I really am,\u201d Jongwoon says, smiling down at him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n And so because of Jongwoon\u2019s minor injury and clumsiness, Kyuhyun is talking to him again. Kyuhyun is talking to him and laughing with him and having conversations\u2014they\u2019re a bit more animated, Jongwoon notes, though he supposes that maybe he\u2019s just never been this observant before. He doesn\u2019t mind, though. He knows Kyuhyun, even if he doesn\u2019t know him too well.<\/p>\n Weeks pass and everything is back to normal. This is what Jongwoon tells himself even though he doesn\u2019t know what normal is anymore. But Kyuhyun is normal and he is normal and, well, if that\u2019s how they are, then that must be what normal is, right? Right<\/em>, Jongwoon thinks once more, and relishes in Kyuhyun\u2019s familiar voice.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n \u201cI feel so old<\/em>,\u201d Kyuhyun complains. \u201cReally. Twenty-nine already? And next year I\u2019ll be turning thirty!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat about me?\u201d Jongwoon says to him. \u201cThirty-three and still as handsome as ever.\u201d He doesn\u2019t mean this, of course, but it sounds nice coming out from his lips.<\/p>\n \u201cAs ever.\u201d Kyuhyun chuckles and glances down Jongwoon\u2019s leg. \u201cHow\u2019s your ankle, hyung?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s fine.\u201d A thought suddenly strikes Jongwoon. \u201cHey, Jungsu-hyung\u2019s going to be turning thirty-five next year, won\u2019t he?\u201d<\/p>\n He realizes what he\u2019s said wrong a second too late. Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t react to this because Jongwoon hasn\u2019t made a mistake for a while; but the silence is there, it\u2019s always been there.<\/p>\n \u201cYou might want to put some pressure on your foot, hyung,\u201d he says to Jongwoon quietly.<\/p>\n But Jongwoon- Jongwoon ignores his words. Because he\u2019s not going to let Kyuhyun get away with no answer anymore. \u201cKyuhyun? I\u2019m right, right? Jungsu hyung\u2019ll be thirty-five soon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t look at him, doesn\u2019t give his words much thought. \u201cCome on, put some pressure on your foot.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy do I need to put pressure on my foot?\u201d Jongwoon shoots back. \u201cWhy is that\u2014Why is that important to you all of a sudden? Don\u2019t you want to talk about Jungsu hyung with me? Do you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPut pressure on your foot,\u201d Kyuhyun says again, clearly attempting to keep his voice steady although it\u2019s shaking, a bit.<\/p>\n \u201cNo! No, I\u2019m not going to!\u201d Jongwoon stands up all of a sudden; he winces but doesn\u2019t care. He looks Kyuhyun in the face. \u201cKyuhyun, why won\u2019t you talk about Jungsu hyung with me? Why won\u2019t you talk about Super Junior with me?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t answer. Instead, he stares out the window and turns his back to Jongwoon.<\/p>\n Frustrated, Jongwoon reaches for his shoulder and yanks him towards him. \u201cKyuhyun, why won\u2019t you answer me? Why won\u2019t you talk to me? Ab-About Super Junior and Ryeowook and Jungsu and everything, everyone, every<\/em>\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause!\u201d Kyuhyun says. The air breaks between them. \u201cBecause I don\u2019t want to, okay? Because I just don\u2019t want to! I don\u2019t want to\u2014I don\u2019t want to think about Super Junior, I don\u2019t want to talk about Super Junior, I don\u2019t want to\u2014\u201d He cuts himself off, breathing heavily.<\/p>\n \u201cBut why<\/em>?\u201d Jongwoon persists. \u201cWhy won\u2019t you\u2014Why don\u2019t you want to, what\u2014what\u2019s so wrong about\u2014about us?\u201d<\/p>\n He says us<\/em> like Super Junior isn\u2019t just about the members, it\u2019s about him and Kyuhyun. Like there\u2019s some sort of, some sort of family between Jongwoon and Kyuhyun.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun thrusts Jongwoon\u2019s hand off his shoulder and glowers. It\u2019s cold.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to Yesung, okay? I don\u2019t want<\/em> to.\u201d<\/p>\n He storms off, away.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon later realizes that it\u2019s the first time Kyuhyun\u2019s ever called him something else other than \u2018hyung.\u2019<\/p>\n Jongwoon later realizes that Yesung isn\u2019t even his real name.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n They don\u2019t talk anymore. Well, they do. But not really. Their conversations are abrupt and fall short, and there\u2019s not much essence to any of them. Jongwoon feels like he\u2019s a stranger, and Kyuhyun\u2019s a stranger, and they\u2019re just two people who are together and have nothing, together.<\/p>\n Jongwoon never asks more than, \u201cWhat are you ordering for dinner today?\u201d and Kyuhyun never answers more than, \u201cBeef noodles.\u201d They only speak when spoken to, speak when they need to, and speak when they absolutely have to. The air feels thin and strong, almost suffocating. Jongwoon barely finds the will to breathe.<\/p>\n He wonders what it would be like if he tried. If he tried to speak more, if he tried to talk more. If he tried to get Kyuhyun to actually look at him, to tell him why he had gotten upset over the mention of their old band leader. If he tried to ask Kyuhyun why he had called him by his old, forgotten nickname and never by his real name.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He\u2019s off his crutches after a month when he had slipped, but Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t comment on it.<\/p>\n The ground between them feels empty, dry.<\/p>\n His mini album makes it to the top of some chart\u2014which chart, he\u2019s not quite sure, but when he goes back to work a few weeks later, his manager approaches him with a CD in one hand and a grin on his face. \u201cCongratulations,\u201d he says. \u201cYou might as well do a full album.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot likely,\u201d Jongwoon says with a chuckle. \u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d He nods his head over to where his stylist is holding something small and colorful. His manager beams.<\/p>\n \u201cJust a little congratulatory present we should we should get for you,\u201d he says. \u201cBut we weren\u2019t quite sure which color you liked best. Pick one.\u201d<\/p>\n The stylist walks over to him, a small, perhaps fake smile lined along her lips. \u201cRed or pink,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Jongwoon looks down at the stuffed animals in her hands. \u201cPink.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (Later his manager asks him if he wants to perform live at a concert because it\u2019s good for giving publicity, and it has a good price to come along with it. Jongwoon declines the offer.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n When he comes home, he leaves his bags and the stuffed animal on the counter before going off to go to the bathroom. Kyuhyun\u2019s in the living room, on the computer.<\/p>\n He pretends not to notice that Kyuhyun\u2019s eyes go towards the toy and linger on it for a second too long.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Over the next several days Jongwoon tries his hand at cooking again. It\u2019s not his best skill, he knows, but he\u2019s certainly not terrible. At least, as far as he knows. He\u2019s mediocre, and that\u2019s good enough for him.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun leaves early in the mornings, and doesn\u2019t come home until around midnight.<\/p>\n And all the while, Jongwoon thinks of Super Junior. He thinks of all the members and all the years they had spent together (and thirteen boys staying together, fifteen boys being a family sounds too big, sounds too chaotic\u2014but for them it had been perfect). He thinks of what they must be doing now or what they\u2019re not doing now, and if they\u2019re on the other side of the world or only a few doors down from them. Wherever they are, Jongwoon hopes that they\u2019re happy, as he cooks fried rice in the pan in front of him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (Jongwoon\u2019s always had this dream where he\u2019s standing at the edge of a beach, staring out at an ocean, perhaps waiting for someone to come back. The sand is warm beneath his toes and the sea tosses waves back and forth.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Maybe he tells himself that he\u2019ll try to get in touch with the other members again, that he\u2019ll laugh with Donghee and talk to Youngwoon again. Maybe he tells himself that he\u2019ll try to shoot Henry an email or call Donghae on the phone. But it doesn\u2019t matter because he doesn\u2019t end up doing any of this anyways. He\u2019s with Kyuhyun.<\/p>\n So instead he just cooks his own food and sings his own songs that he\u2019s composed himself. He goes to church on Sundays (even though he hasn\u2019t been there for ages) and occasionally watches dramas on his television.<\/p>\n And he talks to Kyuhyun twice a day at most, and hardly ever sees him around their apartment. But it doesn\u2019t really bother him too much. As long as Kyuhyun comes home.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n But even after all this, something doesn\u2019t settle right. With Kyuhyun gone all the time, Jongwoon doesn\u2019t even know if it\u2019s worth it to come back to their apartment. It doesn\u2019t feel like home.<\/p>\n They stop talking. They stop looking at each other. They both become so absent to each other that it\u2019s even hard to say that they\u2019re roommates. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t even know what he\u2019s doing for the majority of the time: he\u2019s wandering around the city, he\u2019s going around shopping, he\u2019s seeing friends and saying hi and smiling. Sometimes he wonders what Kyuhyun\u2019s doing. If Kyuhyun\u2019s looking about the city and going to stores and seeing his friends. He wonders if Kyuhyun\u2019s seeing any girls. Not that he should be caring, but\u2014they aren\u2019t really idols anymore, are they? They\u2019re free to do whatever they want. And so Jongwoon wonders what Kyuhyun\u2019s doing and if he\u2019s dating anyone (and the thought makes his stomach clench) just because he can (and he also wonders why he isn\u2019t dating anyone himself<\/em>\u2014perhaps it had never been quite his style). If he\u2019s seeing girls, hugging girls, kissing girls\u2026<\/p>\n At the end of the day, though, it\u2019s all the same. It all goes to waste.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He takes Kyuhyun\u2019s laptop one afternoon and decides to stream some old Super Junior shows. There\u2019s nothing like looking back on memories. He goes through video sites and search sites until he comes to the homepage of some group of fangirls who have illegal clips of EHB and Intimate Note and Sukira and some music videos, and then clicks on some random links. Soon enough he\u2019s watching and laughing and has his hand covered over his mouth as he watches him and his band members do some of the stupidest things and say the strangest scripted lines. It all feels real to him. So real.<\/p>\n Jongwoon falls asleep in the middle of watching Shin PD. It\u2019s about ten o\u2019clock at night and he\u2019s still dressed in his work clothes, but he manages to drift off anyways, with his hand still on the mouse pad. He doesn\u2019t hear anything all night, and he doesn\u2019t wake up until seven in the morning.<\/p>\n When he nods his head up, he sees that he\u2019s lying on the couch with a blanket covering him\u2014had he fallen asleep like this? Everything around him is all clean, and\u2014the laptop isn\u2019t with him anymore. Kyuhyun\u2019s laptop. The entire apartment is quiet.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n And so Jongwoon continues watching old Super Junior videos, Super Junior talk shows, Super Junior performances\u2014had they always been that happy? Or had it been all an act? He can\u2019t quite remember, but he wishes that he can revert to that emotion, back to feeling like he\u2019s on top of the world rather than someone average, someone in the middle, someone unimportant.<\/p>\n He plays old Super Junior songs and sings along to them as well. He doesn\u2019t remember all the words, of course, and makes them up as he goes along; but they all ring familiar to him and he likes it. He bellows out the right lyrics and the wrong lyrics and tries to dance along even though he had never really been the best at choreography. But he\u2019s having fun, when Kyuhyun\u2019s not around.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun comes home at a surprisingly early hour a few days later while Jongwoon is vacuuming the apartment and singing along to Sorry Sorry<\/em> (and dancing as well, though it seems to be more like shuffling). He doesn\u2019t really notice that Kyuhyun\u2019s home, however, until he hears him speak.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat the hell are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon whips around. At first he\u2019s embarrassed, that Kyuhyun had caught him doing something so… so foolish, but it all goes away when he sees the glare settling in Kyuhyun\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m reminiscing,\u201d he replies.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s gaze is fixed on him. \u201cJust stop it, hyung.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStop what?\u201d Jongwoon suddenly feels defensive, annoyed. \u201cStop listening to our old songs? Stop mentioning our old bandmates? Stop trying to talk about our past\u2014?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust stop<\/em> it, please.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not going to stop!\u201d Jongwoon says fiercely. \u201cI\u2019m not going to\u2014I don\u2019t want to forget about them, okay? Maybe you<\/em> do, maybe you don\u2019t want to remember all the good times we had, but\u2014but at least I\u2019m<\/em> actually doing something to try to remember!\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun looks to Jongwoon exasperatedly. He suddenly looks tired, much older. \u201cHyung.\u201d<\/p>\n The music stops in the background. The world stops moving around them.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d Jongwoon says annoyedly. \u201cYou want me to stop singing? You want me to stop remembering? You want me to just ignore the past several years of both<\/em> our lives?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t even know what you\u2019re saying\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t care if you want to forget about everything we\u2019ve been for the past several years, but.\u201d Jongwoon stares Kyuhyun straight in the eye. \u201cI\u2019m not going to any time soon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHyung, you don\u2019t even know<\/em>!\u201d Kyuhyun suddenly shouts, catching him off guard. \u201cYou really call this not forgetting<\/em>? What, trying to bring up the subject every time you can, trying to bring them back? You can\u2019t<\/em> bring them back and you know it! You can\u2019t make new memories out of old ones! And that\u2019s what you\u2019re doing!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you realize how much I<\/em> miss them?\u201d says Kyuhyun. \u201cDo you know how much I want<\/em> to forget? I can\u2019t\u2014Do you know how hard it is to let things go?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut you shouldn\u2019t<\/em> let it go,\u201d says Jongwoon. \u201cYou can\u2019t just let something like that so important, so huge to you, you can\u2019t just let it go\u2014that\u2019s why I don\u2019t want to let it go, because that\u2019s like\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHyung, you have<\/em> to let it go sometime! You can\u2019t sit in the past!\u201d Kyuhyun yells, screams over Jongwoon. \u201cYou\u2019re just trying to\u2014You\u2019re just trying to remake everything we were but you can\u2019t<\/em>! Have you been in touch with any of the members? Do you know anything about them now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2014no, of course not, but we can always change that\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe can\u2019t<\/em>, Yesung, can\u2019t you see that? We can\u2019t! We\u2019re broken apart and we\u2019re gone\u2014Henry\u2019s probably back in Canada, Hankyung and Zhou Mi are never going to leave China\u2014we can\u2019t<\/em>, we\u2019re done, an-and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen why,\u201d Jongwoon says, all of a sudden angry, \u201cwhy in the world did you want to room together with me, why did you want to live<\/em> with me, out of all the Super Junior members, why did you want to stay with me<\/em>\u2014Jesus Christ if I had known you\u2019d be this way, I wouldn\u2019t have\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI DON\u2019T KNOW!\u201d Kyuhyun shrieks. \u201cI don\u2019t know! I just\u2014don\u2019t you remember, when we had went on our own ways, we both said that we\u2019d have our own solo careers\u2014and then one thing happened and then the next and this just\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd if you wanted to forget about everyone so much, then you didn\u2019t have to stay with me at all! But no, instead you\u2019re just dumping it on me, all of it on me\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t miss them the way I do! You don\u2019t know\u2014You don\u2019t know that I<\/em> miss them too!\u201d Kyuhyun throws his hands to his sides. \u201cYou don\u2019t think that I<\/em> wasn\u2019t part of the band? You think that I didn\u2019t love them the way you do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen why\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause! Because I know that I can\u2019t! Because I know that I shouldn\u2019t try to hold onto something that will never come back! Can\u2019t you see, Yesung, that we have to let go and move on\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSTOP CALLING ME YESUNG!\u201d Jongwoon shouts; he\u2019s suddenly aware of everything around them, and how shattered it all seems.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s exactly what I mean<\/em>! I can\u2019t\u2014It\u2019s hard for me to let go of things like this!\u201d Kyuhyun looks like he\u2019s about to cry, and his voice is shaking, like the earth. \u201cI want to let go, I want to\u2014I want to forget about it all, I just don\u2019t\u2014I just don\u2019t want to think about it but how am I supposed to forget if you\u2019re just bringing it all back, making me\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re just being weak, you know that?\u201d snarls Jongwoon. \u201cYou\u2019re just being weak and you\u2019re too scared to face it! At least I, I\u2019m doing<\/em> something when you\u2019re just trying to avoid it all because you\u2019re just too fucking scared\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI may be scared, but at least I\u2019m not hanging onto something that\u2019s already gone,\u201d Kyuhyun retorts.<\/p>\n Jongwoon glowers at him.<\/p>\n \u201cI never should have lived with you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe you shouldn\u2019t have.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI shouldn\u2019t\u2014This was just a bad idea. I can\u2019t believe you want<\/em> to forget about Super Junior,\u201d says Jongwoon, shaking his head.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to forget<\/em> about them, it\u2019s just something that I don\u2019t want to hold onto!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah? Well you know what?\u201d says Jongwoon fiercely. \u201cI may miss Super Junior, but I sure as hell don\u2019t miss you<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat doesn\u2019t make any sense\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI miss Jungsu!\u201d shouts Jongwoon. \u201cAnd Heechul and Hankyung a-and Youngwoon, and Donghee, and Sungmin, and\u2014\u201d his breath catches \u201cand Hyukjae and Donghae, and Siwon, and Ryeowook, and Kibum and Zhou Mi and Henry\u2014but you<\/em>, Kyuhyun, after living with you for the past\u2014months, years, whatever\u2014you<\/em>\u2014I-I can\u2019t even imagine, why we had ever decided to do this in the first place, and why, of all<\/em> people\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo you\u2019re saying that you don\u2019t even like me!\u201d shouts Kyuhyun.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe I am!\u201d Jongwoon fires back.<\/p>\n \u201cWell maybe\u2014\u201d Kyuhyun breaks off and pants. \u201cWell fine<\/em>; if you miss them so fucking much, then go find someone else to stay with!\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon scowls; Kyuhyun\u2019s defiant stare doesn\u2019t falter. Then, without a word, Jongwoon storms out of the apartment. His footsteps echo down the hall and through the stairs he climbs down, and all he can think about is how much he hates Kyuhyun, about how much he hates being with Kyuhyun, and, and how Super Junior doesn\u2019t feel like anything but a dream anymore.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun is stupid, isn\u2019t he? He\u2019s stupid. For thinking that they should just forget about them, for thinking that they just move on\u2026 Move on to what? From what? From the past? Jongwoon knows, he knows that hanging onto the past is a bad thing, that he should cherish memories but continue forward, but\u2014but that\u2019s what he\u2019s doing, isn\u2019t it? That\u2019s what he\u2019s been doing all along. He\u2019s been remembering. He\u2019s been recalling all the nice and fun times. He hasn\u2019t been trying to bring Super Junior back; he hasn\u2019t been trying to recreate something that\u2019s already gone\u2026<\/p>\n And cooking isn\u2019t trying to bring Ryeowook back. And going to church isn\u2019t trying to bring Siwon back. And pink, pink<\/em> of all things, isn\u2019t trying to bring Sungmin back. And watching old shows isn\u2019t trying to bring them all back. He\u2019s just nostalgic, that\u2019s all. And Kyuhyun is stupid. He\u2019s foolish for just wanting to forget, for not letting go, for not letting go of forgetting\u2014he<\/em> had been the one who kept calling Jongwoon his old nickname, the nickname he hasn\u2019t heard in months, years, in forever…<\/p>\n He makes his way out into the streets of Seoul. It\u2019s raining, though Jongwoon concludes that this makes sense because hell, it\u2019s springtime already. He ducks his head down and wishes that the jacket he\u2019s wearing had a hood, and Jongwoon just stomps through the water like he always does. He\u2019s pushing against it all, and a part of him wishes, that maybe, maybe they shouldn\u2019t have broken up. Maybe they shouldn\u2019t have gone off in their separate directions. Maybe they just should have stayed as Super Junior forever\u2026<\/p>\n You can\u2019t bring them back and you know it\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n And if they had stayed together, he wouldn\u2019t need to bring them back. He wouldn\u2019t miss them, he wouldn\u2019t feel the sudden pain of realization that they\u2019re gone and that there\u2019s nothing they can do anymore. They won\u2019t ever be the band they had been in the past, and there\u2019s no way they would be it in the future\u2026 He wouldn\u2019t want to forget about them. He wouldn\u2019t need to forget about them.<\/p>\n But everything has its end, right? Jongwoon stops in the streets and the knowledge hits him in the chest even harder. They wouldn\u2019t last forever. They can\u2019t last forever. And even if he\u2019s staying with Kyuhyun, his last real piece of Super Junior\u2026 Kyuhyun\u2019s already gone. Kyuhyun\u2019s trying to make something new. Kyuhyun\u2019s trying to begin again, even if he can\u2019t bring himself to. Kyuhyun\u2019s trying to get over them.<\/p>\n (But he can\u2019t, not really.<\/em>)<\/p>\n Jongwoon doesn\u2019t even know if he wants to leave Kyuhyun, if he wants to leave the only part of Super Junior he has left. And it\u2019s not just because of Super Junior, but because\u2014because he can\u2019t. Even if Jongwoon wants to, he can\u2019t bring himself to push Kyuhyun away. He can\u2019t leave him.<\/p>\n The rain continues to fall, soaking his hair wet. Jongwoon suddenly realizes that he\u2019s cold when he stops walking for a second too long, and then continues on. Anything left of Kyuhyun\u2019s words rings in his mind, and his anger fades away, making him no longer feel blind. Because forgetting is the last thing he wants to do. Because letting go sort of sounds like, this never happened and we\u2019re going to pretend it didn\u2019t<\/em>. But moving on, making something out of whatever he has left, that\u2019s what he has to do.<\/p>\n (And he has Kyuhyun.)<\/p>\n Something suddenly hits him from behind, tightening around his waist\u2014Jongwoon stops in his tracks again. Someone is holding him from behind, causing heat to escalate up his body, and there are arms, arms around him. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t know who, what, why\u2014he hears a small gasp of breath, and a nose and a mouth press against his shoulder. Skin is touching his skin, warm, small, smooth.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease don\u2019t leave me,\u201d murmurs Kyuhyun\u2019s voice, and Jongwoon\u2019s heart clenches in his throat. Something wet, something not rain hits on the side of his neck, and Kyuhyun squeezes tighter.<\/p>\n \u201cPlease don\u2019t go.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n When they arrive back at their apartment, it\u2019s quiet as ever\u2014but it feels like the sort of settled quiet, the serenity, where for the first time, everything\u2019s pretty much okay. Kyuhyun awkwardly tells Jongwoon that he should take a shower and Jongwoon awkwardly mumbles back that that sounds like a good idea and awkwardly, they go on their respective ways and do their own respective things.<\/p>\n Jongwoon thinks about it in the shower. That sure, letting go of the past will be hard\u2014but he has Kyuhyun to help him through. And he\u2019s here to help Kyuhyun through. And for some reason, this makes something flutter to the bottom of his stomach, like the last feather of a wing, waiting to be shed.<\/p>\n As soon as he finishes, he comes out, just to see Kyuhyun sitting on the couch with his laptop, though it seems more like Kyuhyun is waiting for him. When Jongwoon catches his eye, he can\u2019t help but blush slightly; but Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t seem to notice (his blush) as he speaks.<\/p>\n \u201cDo you want to go out for dinner tonight?\u201d he asks him.<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s stunned for a moment; it\u2019d be the first dinner they\u2019d be having together in a long time. But then he smiles. \u201cSure,\u201d he says, and sort of feels like a giddy little boy as he walks back over to his room.<\/p>\n He gets dressed, and when he comes out, he sees that Kyuhyun has put his laptop down and is now making his way towards the door. Kyuhyun shoots him a look the instant he hears him come into the room. \u201cReady to go?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n Jongwoon nods and makes his way towards him. \u201cI\u2019m ready.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The dinner feels like it\u2019s their first time being together, their first time actually starting to know each other. They\u2019re starting over. Jongwoon kind of likes it because he finds out so many things about Kyuhyun that he\u2019s never known before\u2014either that, or things he\u2019s forgotten. But Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t really seem to mind as he laughs when Jongwoon stumbles over his words again.<\/p>\n They get ice cream afterwards and walk around, not wanting to go back home. Jongwoon falls in step with the other man, waiting for everything to blow over.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a few weeks later but they\u2019ve grown accustomed to be with each other. Friends\u2014well, Jongwoon would like to think<\/em>, but they\u2019re only starting to grow close together and form a new friendship. Super Junior is behind them, Super Junior is between them, but only like a white thread, so thin and invisible that you can forget that it\u2019s there.<\/p>\n Speaking of\u2014Jongwoon\u2019s looking through old discs again, but only because they\u2019ve been sitting at the bottom of his bookshelf for so long and he feels like he should listen to them again, just once. He pops in Bonamana<\/em> in their stereo set just as Kyuhyun comes home from work, and familiar sounds of the pop music that they sang (in contrast to the ballads and occasional slightly more lively music that they make now) sound around the entire apartment. Kyuhyun looks to him as he shuffles his shoes off, and Jongwoon\u2019s frightened for a moment\u2014but only a moment, once he sees that the expression on Kyuhyun\u2019s face is nothing but amused.<\/p>\n \u201cI remember this,\u201d he says to Jongwoon. \u201cThis album. We had a duet on it, didn\u2019t we?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe did,\u201d Jongwoon nods in compliance, grinning. He switches to the track Kyuhyun had referred to, and sounds of both their voices come through the speakers. Kyuhyun sings along and Jongwoon does as well, and he figures that maybe one thing, one thing he can bring back is their old friendship.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n And so they sing together.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Of course the idea of forming something<\/em> with Kyuhyun goes through Jongwoon\u2019s head one too many times, but he has this inkling of the fact that that\u2019s not how it\u2019s supposed to be. That they\u2019re supposed to be on their own, at least in a career sort of sense. Jongwoon\u2019s always been able to manage as a singer and so has Kyuhyun\u2014never once had competition arose between them; they had both been only civil and content. Because generally that\u2019s how their relationship is\u2014small and delicate, with the slightest bit of smiles.<\/p>\n Building bridges with Kyuhyun proves to be a good idea, however. And so is going out on weekends, going to the mall, shopping for whatnot and eating and drinking and having fun. Kyuhyun laughs as Jongwoon almost stumbles on nothing, and says, \u201cWe don\u2019t want you on crutches again, hyung, would we.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure with the way that you\u2019re laughing at me that you<\/em> do,\u201d Jongwoon grumbles, picking himself up and dusting off his pants. Kyuhyun laughs again and Jongwoon wonders if he\u2019s always sounded like that.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n And it\u2019s weird having this sort of closeness with someone who had been close to him once before, but Jongwoon doesn\u2019t mind it at all. They\u2019re friends now. They\u2019re roommates. Not bandmates, not forced friends, but a genuine\u2026 genuine something<\/em>. Something real.<\/p>\n It takes Jongwoon three weeks to wrap his mind around this idea, but it seems that Kyuhyun\u2019s already gotten it.<\/p>\n \u201cJongwoon, can you not<\/em>,\u201d Kyuhyun says exasperatedly when they go out to get breakfast in the mornings and Jongwoon runs over to the newsstand to pick up a newspaper.<\/p>\n Jongwoon crinkles his nose as he walks back over to Kyuhyun. \u201cWhat happened to hyung?\u201d he asks him. \u201cBesides, there\u2019s nothing wrong with keeping up with current events!\u201d He waves the paper in Kyuhyun\u2019s face, and Kyuhyun rolls his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, but if you\u2019re going to do this every time we come out.\u201d Kyuhyun tsks and turns away. \u201cWhatever. There\u2019s no use in trying to stop you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere never is,\u201d Jongwoon says cheekily, and then exclaims, \u201cOw!\u201d when Kyuhyun reaches over to pinch his cheek.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n When he\u2019s in the shower again, when that slight bit of uneasiness is warm inside of him, he tries not to think of the man standing a few feet outside of the bathroom door, waiting to come in after him. (He fails, of course, but he doesn\u2019t remember any of it after he comes.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He\u2019s constantly reminded that his life does revolve around music, it revolves around singing because generally, it\u2019s what he does. Melodies and lyrics and tunes day in and day out. And when he\u2019s not in the recording studio trying to get the perfect note or not in the practice room trying to get the right words and the right pitch or isn\u2019t busy discussing things with his manager or in the small room in the back trying to come up with the perfect lyrics, or even when he\u2019s not singing in the shower, there\u2019s always something, something with music around.<\/p>\n And then he realizes that Kyuhyun\u2019s life isn\u2019t much different when he comes home at around ten one night and Kyuhyun\u2019s shuffling with the dishes behind the sink and singing loudly all throughout the apartment. It\u2019s not the first time he\u2019s done this but Jongwoon suddenly realizes, maybe we\u2019re not as different as I thought<\/em> as he says suddenly, \u201cYou sound good.\u201d<\/p>\n Surprised, Kyuhyun turns around and blushes upon sight of Jongwoon. \u201cThanks,\u201d he tells him. \u201cYou\u2019re not so bad yourself. You know. If you were singing.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon chuckles. \u201cI know,\u201d he says, and then, \u201cHey, can I hear some of your stuff? You know, things you\u2019ve been working on since you went on solo.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun nods. \u201cSure,\u201d he says. As he dries his hands and walks around the counter, Jongwoon follows him into the living room and wonders why he hadn\u2019t done this earlier. He\u2019s rather curious as to what Kyuhyun had been up to. If his style had changed, if his range of tone had changed\u2014well, he\u2019ll have to see and find out.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun pulls out a disc that has his name and his face on it, and then pops it into the stereo. Then, rather embarrassedly, he fiddles with the knobs and the volume until it\u2019s adjusted to the place he wants. \u201cThey\u2019re not too amazing,\u201d he confesses to Jongwoon, scratching the back of his head. \u201cKind of boring, really, since I don\u2019t write them\u2014I never really liked ballads.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut they bring in the money, don\u2019t they,\u201d Jongwoon says thoughtfully as he listens to Kyuhyun\u2019s voice over the speakers. It\u2019s rich, beautiful, just as it had always been. It makes Jongwoon smile, at the familiar purity, as if he doesn\u2019t hear it every day.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, they do,\u201d Kyuhyun says. \u201cWhat about your stuff? What have you been up to?\u201d<\/p>\n Their conversation falls into place, about work and career and money\u2014but it\u2019s also about music, which is why Jongwoon enjoys it immensely. They have some sort of bond, some bond that only they understand\u2014perhaps they\u2019ve always had it, but Jongwoon hadn\u2019t realized it until now.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Every effort to get to know Kyuhyun better makes Jongwoon feels like he\u2019s won, he\u2019s won this game of friendship. They\u2019re not just awkward smiles and peaceful silences anymore, they\u2019re also stupid conversations and obnoxious laughs.<\/p>\n He decides to make it a little deeper.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun,\u201d Jongwoon says as they sit with each other over dinner, again. \u201cHow\u2019s your\u2026 erm.\u201d He coughs. \u201cYour, er\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMy what?\u201d Kyuhyun asks, smirking. \u201cMy parents? My work? My gaming?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYour. Um.\u201d Jongwoon coughs. \u201cYour personal life.\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s eyes twinkle in amusement. \u201cMy personal life? Why do you ask, hyung?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust wondering.\u201d Jongwoon shrugs and doesn\u2019t meet his eyes. Instead, he stares at his fried egg on his plate. \u201cSince I feel obligated to know\u2026 or at least ask.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou feel obligated to pry into my life?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo! I mean\u2026 well. In case there\u2019s anything you need to tell me. Or want to tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon sneaks a peek upward, to see that Kyuhyun\u2019s still watching him, grin dancing upon his face. Jongwoon quickly averts his gaze again and prods his rice with his chopsticks.<\/p>\n \u201cWell there\u2019s nothing really interesting about my personal life,\u201d says Kyuhyun. \u201cNothing\u2019s really changed, really. Don\u2019t have the time to date, don\u2019t really have the energy to care for girls\u2026 Though I suppose the girl who brings me tea is sort of cute.\u201d He gazes upward, in thought. \u201cI don\u2019t have much of a personal life, actually.\u201d He chuckles and continues to eat his noodles.<\/p>\n Jongwoon doesn\u2019t look up, but a smile manages to find its way on his face.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n It\u2019s suddenly summer, which means Jongwoon and Kyuhyun have more free time. Not a lot, but just more time to be with each other. Of course neither of them mentions it or point it out, but Kyuhyun\u2019s seemed to realize it when he comes home one day with a pair of swim trunks in his hands.<\/p>\n \u201cI was thinking,\u201d he says confidently as Jongwoon\u2019s at the dinner table, watching some drama on Kyuhyun\u2019s laptop. \u201cWe should go to the beach sometime.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d Jongwoon looks up and gazes to the trunks.<\/p>\n \u201cBecause. It\u2019s just nice out for it, you know?\u201d Kyuhyun says, indicating the sunlight outside. \u201cBesides, we never really do anything other than go shopping and eat meals together\u2026 it\u2019d be nice to do something fun<\/em> for once.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can be plenty of fun when I want to be!\u201d Jongwoon says. \u201cAnd so can you! We can be fun together!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2026 right. Anyways,\u201d Kyuhyun continues. \u201cSo. Beach? This weekend?\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon just rolls his eyes. \u201cOnce I buy a swimming suit of my own.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n \u201cCome on! We should go work out!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWorking out isn\u2019t really my thing, hyung,\u201d Kyuhyun says from staring intently at his laptop. \u201cI have other things to do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut don\u2019t you want to stay in shape?\u201d Jongwoon says eagerly.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun glances up to him. \u201cJongwoon hyung,\u201d he says. \u201cDo I really look out of shape to you?\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon looks down to Kyuhyun\u2019s body. \u201cNo! But that doesn\u2019t mean you shouldn\u2019t try to improve your health! Don\u2019t you want some muscles like me?\u201d he says. He flexes his muscles and shows Kyuhyun.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and gazes back to his computer. \u201cI don\u2019t want to be anything like you,\u201d he says, and when Jongwoon whacks his arm with a, \u201cHey!\u201d he just chuckles and adds, \u201cKidding.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s surprised at the invitation, but when he declines politely, Kyuhyun just laughs and says, \u201cReally? More beer for me then!\u201d<\/p>\n He takes a large gulp and then slams the bottle on the bar counter. Jongwoon glances around.<\/p>\n \u201cBrings back good memories, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll say,\u201d Kyuhyun says with a grin. \u201cI think I forgot how to hold my alcohol well.\u201d He giggles a little bit and his cheeks flush red. Jongwoon spends the rest of the night wondering why the sight had been so appealing.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (And it\u2019s not the same as being with Super Junior, as it had been with being Kyuhyun in the past. But Jongwoon doesn\u2019t mind.<\/p>\n In fact, he kind of likes it.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n So their relationship slowly builds, slowly but surely.<\/p>\n They\u2019re talking over lunch once more (and lunch with Kyuhyun is just the same as dinner with Kyuhyun and breakfast with Kyuhyun\u2014then again, it\u2019s changed, it\u2019s all changed) when Jongwoon sighs and leans his chin against his hand. \u201cIt\u2019s difficult being an ex-idol, isn\u2019t it,\u201d he says thoughtfully.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun chuckles. \u201cYou\u2019ve been an ex-idol for about three years now, Jongwoon hyung.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, but.\u201d Jongwoon stops suddenly. \u201cWait, we\u2019ve been living with each other for three years?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou say that like that\u2019s a bad thing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt is! I can\u2019t believe I\u2019ve been living with you so long and we\u2019ve never done something like this<\/em> before!\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon definitely notices the wariness in Kyuhyun\u2019s gaze at this point, but he does his best to wave it off (because Jongwoon always says what\u2019s on his mind without a second thought). \u201cAnyways,\u201d he says, pressing on, \u201cLife is just\u2026 so much different. Like. We\u2019re not as busy. There\u2019s not as much drama. It\u2019s actually kind of boring.\u201d He lets out a laugh and hears what it sounds like.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess that\u2019s true,\u201d Kyuhyun says. \u201cBut that\u2019s not a bad thing, right? Life with you is just as good.\u201d He forks a piece of cake off from the cake in front of him and puts it in his mouth, before curling his lips toward Jongwoon. \u201cLife couldn\u2019t get better.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLife couldn\u2019t get better indeed,\u201d Jongwoon laughs again, and raises his fork over to Kyuhyun. \u201cCheers.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon notices how Kyuhyun seems to be much more free around him, much more real. Kyuhyun had always been the type all for business, all for what\u2019s supposed to be there on the surface, all for prosperity\u2014but it goes away when he\u2019s around him. Jongwoon feels sort of flattered, sort of nice.<\/p>\n \u201cHyung,\u201d Kyuhyun says, tossing him a newspaper. \u201cHere. I got the mail for you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh!\u201d Jongwoon looks up to him, surprised. \u201cThanks!\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun sends him a silent grin, one with no reason or words behind it.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n When Jongwoon writes love songs, he never has anyone in mind. It\u2019s all hypothetical, all theoretical\u2014it\u2019s not like he\u2019s ever had someone to love. He\u2019s still waiting for the moment but he fakes the moment as well.<\/p>\n He writes about love in silence, love in quiet. Love in stillness and invisibility, love that\u2019s always there.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Soon enough it\u2019s August, and then it\u2019s Jongwoon\u2019s birthday. It takes Kyuhyun fifteen hours to remember, but it takes Jongwoon zero effort to remind him.<\/p>\n \u201cHappy birthday hyung!\u201d Kyuhyun says as soon as Jongwoon comes through the door. He tackles him with a hug and Jongwoon laughs as he struggles to push Kyuhyun off of him.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re choking me, Kyuhyun,\u201d he manages out. Kyuhyun has a large grin on his face when he lets him go; Jongwoon doesn\u2019t ever remember seeing Kyuhyun this happy (but maybe that\u2019s because his smile always makes him forget, makes him blind from everything else\u2014no stop<\/em> and Jongwoon stops thinking.)<\/p>\n He\u2019s too busy standing there with his bag in his hand that he\u2019s not paying attention, when all of a sudden Kyuhyun\u2019s in front of him and there\u2019s a plate of cake in his hand and what is he going to do\u2014and then the cake is suddenly in Jongwoon\u2019s face, and he\u2019s laughing again, while Jongwoon sputters from behind the frosting and bread.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun!\u201d Jongwoon says indignantly, dropping his bag and moving his hands to wipe the cake out from his eyes. \u201cWhat was that for?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s laughing as well. \u201cHyung you look so funny!\u201d he exclaims.<\/p>\n Jongwoon suddenly hears the shutter of a camera and manages to lift his eyes to see Kyuhyun taking pictures of him with his cell phone. \u201cKyuhyun, don\u2019t!\u201d he squeaks and tries to wipe the cake off his face with his already frosting-covered hands.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is your new caller ID,\u201d Kyuhyun says with a grin, shoving his phone into Jongwoon\u2019s face.<\/p>\n Jongwoon laughs and rubs his lips and cheeks and eyes all over Kyuhyun, covering him with frosting as well.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n And so life continues, and Super Junior is behind them, but Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun and Jongwoon are still together, they\u2019re still pieces fit in all the right places, and maybe they\u2019re not perfect but at least they\u2019re together\u2014<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon doesn\u2019t have nightmares often, but they aren\u2019t uncommon to him. He wakes up in a sweat, staring into the dark, eyes tightened, lips chapped.<\/p>\n The apartment is still, but Jongwoon, Jongwoon feels like everything around him is shaking and spinning around. Slightly frightened (because he refuses to admit that he\u2019s completely frightened, even in his worst state) and wanting something, some form of comfort, his feet manage to pull him out of his bed and he wanders around, around until he\u2019s entering Kyuhyun\u2019s bedroom suddenly, and then he\u2019s pulling himself onto Kyuhyun\u2019s bed, yanking the covers over him, onto him, from around Kyuhyun\u2019s body.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun wakes up, and when he sees Jongwoon, he only looks a little bit concerned. \u201cHyung, what-what are you doing?\u201d he manages to mumble out.<\/p>\n \u201cScared. Nightmare,\u201d Jongwoon murmurs, cradling his head next to Kyuhyun, managing to fit next to him in the small bed. His head rests on the pillow, much warmer than his own.<\/p>\n \u201cHyung, what are you\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n But all Jongwoon hears is Kyuhyun\u2019s sigh before he drifts to sleep, content and comfortable with the man next to him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (Jongwoon\u2019s always had this dream where he\u2019s standing at the edge of a beach, staring out at an ocean, perhaps waiting for someone to come back. But the salt water rolls back and forth and no one comes, and Jongwoon is alone.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n And then this happens again. And again. And then they become something a little more than just words and laughs, but touches and hugs too. It\u2019s sort of being like in a band again, only minus the huge number of members and there isn\u2019t anyone to tease them about it the day afterwards.<\/p>\n It\u2019s nothing they speak about, either, through the silent and not-so-silent conversations they have. Jongwoon feels like it\u2019s the sort of closeness they can have without caring about because they\u2019re close already, they\u2019ve always been close, in one way or another. He doesn\u2019t let himself think too much about it. He doesn\u2019t need to.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He blames it entirely on his old habits, on days when they had been a band, but when Jongwoon comes home this afternoon he approaches Kyuhyun (who always seems to be here earlier than him nowadays) with a smile and a hug. Kyuhyun seems to be a little surprised, though, as he manages to tear himself out of Jongwoon\u2019s grasp and looks at him with raised eyebrows. \u201cHyung, what are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSorry.\u201d Jongwoon blushes, bowing his head down. \u201cIt was\u2026 kind of instinct for me.\u201d He shuffles his feet around and wonders if this is actually true, since he hadn\u2019t even been thinking about Super Junior at all.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t seem to believe him either. \u201cReally? Are you sure you\u2019re not sick or anything?\u201d He sounds entirely joking but Jongwoon isn\u2019t too taken aback when he puts his head on his forehead, feeling for a temperature.<\/p>\n \u201cReally, I\u2019m fine,\u201d Jongwoon mutters, starting to back out of the room. He doesn\u2019t turn around, and keeps his shallowest thoughts to himself.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun watches after him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Kyuhyun comes in as Jongwoon is finishing feeding his turtles in his bedroom, and watches on amusedly as Jongwoon moves the turtle food from side to side, trying to get the turtle to catch it. \u201cHaving fun there, hyung?\u201d he says with his arms folded across his chest, walking over towards him.<\/p>\n \u201cOh!\u201d Jongwoon turns around, surprised at his sudden appearance, but not upset in the least. \u201cYeah,\u201d he says with a chuckle, and finally bends his wrist down so that Ddangkomaeng can eat the final piece.<\/p>\n \u201cYour turtles are a replication of you,\u201d Kyuhyun says. \u201cCute but weird.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon turns to Kyuhyun and pouts. \u201cMean.\u201d<\/p>\n He leans in and kisses Kyuhyun on the cheek, however. Kyuhyun lets it happen, but he doesn\u2019t respond.<\/p>\n (Jongwoon takes this to be a good sign.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Shortly after returning home a bit later in the evening, Jongwoon calls throughout the apartment, \u201cI\u2019m home!\u201d He hears Kyuhyun\u2019s voice faintly somewhere else, in a different room; the water\u2019s running somewhere else so he assumes that he\u2019s taking a shower.<\/p>\n Because he can\u2019t help it and because he needs some reassurance, he goes into the hallway and knocks on the bathroom door. Kyuhyun shouts out, from inside, \u201cI\u2019m in here hyung!\u201d and Jongwoon says back, \u201cOkay!\u201d The door is open a little, allowing a little bit of the fluorescent light to come into the hallway.<\/p>\n Jongwoon doesn\u2019t lean his head in but he can see Kyuhyun\u2014Kyuhyun\u2019s bare body behind the shower curtain. He doesn\u2019t see much, but he hears\u2014he hears faint sounds, a few noises. Some grunts and then a groan, the other man\u2019s body straining underneath the water, and then Kyuhyun\u2019s hand is going down, Kyuhyun\u2019s hand is\u2014<\/p>\n Jongwoon stops himself suddenly and tears his eyes away, shoving his back against the wall behind him. The images don\u2019t leave his mind, and the sounds are still ringing in his ears.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n They form a new sort of routine, the sort of routine that Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t mention in the mornings and Jongwoon doesn\u2019t bring up as the most trivial of matters. When Jongwoon awakens, Kyuhyun isn\u2019t there so Jongwoon assumes that he\u2019s in the shower, that he\u2019s eating breakfast, or that he\u2019s gone to the bathroom with his clothes to change rather than in his room where Jongwoon is. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t think too much about it as he rolls out of Kyuhyun\u2019s bed and goes to his own room. (This doesn\u2019t happen too often, so Jongwoon decides that it\u2019s just another thing that they share, another thing that they don\u2019t speak of.)<\/p>\n It takes Jongwoon ten minutes at most to beat off in the shower (it\u2019s mostly because the bathroom smells faintly of Kyuhyun, because they use different shampoos\u2014Kyuhyun\u2019s always smelled of fresh grass and water while Jongwoon tends to stick with his lavender body wash) and when he finishes, he comes out with his towel around his waist. To his only faint surprise, Kyuhyun\u2019s sitting in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat, not going to wait for me?\u201d Jongwoon asks him, still dripping wet from his shower. He tries to not be self-conscious; he tries not to notice how Kyuhyun\u2019s eyes linger southward too long.<\/p>\n \u201cMy boss wants me in early today,\u201d Kyuhyun replies, swallowing his food and blinking at Jongwoon. \u201cBut I\u2019ll be home for dinner, I promise!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou better,\u201d Jongwoon chuckles and tries not to notice the faint pink tinge in Kyuhyun\u2019s cheeks.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n At work, Jongwoon fiddles with the pen in his fingers and stares up to the ceiling, trying to come up with the right words. Writing music is like beating off, for him. There\u2019s no one particular in mind, no one to really stimulate his thoughts and emotions\u2014but he manages to do so anyway, he manages to accomplish his task thoroughly. (He wonders what it would be like if he really<\/em> had someone; why hasn\u2019t he even tried yet?)<\/p>\n And it\u2019s not like girls haven\u2019t asked him out before, because they have<\/em>. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t have very much interest in them, though; he hasn\u2019t had interest in anyone ever since their band had broken up. He had dated here and there but they were small brief dates, could hardly be called dates at all. Nothing had changed. Nothing was interesting. Nothing is<\/em> interesting, he thinks, and groans while slumping on his arm at the table.<\/p>\n \u201cJongwoon? You all right there?\u201d asks his manager across from him. He had been busy discussing the wardrobe for a concert Jongwoon had been dragged into performing in a few weeks.<\/p>\n Jongwoon nods and brings his head back up. \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d he replies, looking down at his paper. \u201cJust trying to find my muse.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019m sure your song will turn out great,\u201d his manager says, smiling. \u201cSince you make your own songs.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey,\u201d Jongwoon says suddenly. \u201cDo you think it would be possible\u2014Do you think I could collaborate with someone on a song\u2014just my roommate, but he\u2019s in the music industry too, actually he\u2019s going solo himself\u2014but sunbae, do you think it could be possible?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t see why not.\u201d His manager raises his eyebrows, surprised at the offer. \u201cBut I\u2019d like to see how that\u2019d turn out.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGreat!\u201d Jongwoon says eagerly. He can\u2019t wait to go home.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He enters to see that Kyuhyun\u2019s busy trying to cook something in the kitchen\u2014whatever it is, Jongwoon can\u2019t really tell\u2014but the first thing he asks is, \u201cKyuhyun, do you want to write a song together with me?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun turns around, and his eyes are wide. \u201cHuh\u2014what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI said: do you want to write a song together with me?\u201d Jongwoon runs behind the kitchen counter and grins to Kyuhyun so that he can see him fully. \u201c\u2019Cause my manager said that maybe I could, and I was thinking that, well, I don\u2019t know, we could write a song together or something\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut hyung, I suck at writing songs,\u201d Kyuhyun says, laughing.<\/p>\n \u201cSo? It could still be something fun we could do together,\u201d Jongwoon says brightly.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry hyung, but I can\u2019t.\u201d At this, Jongwoon drops his hands to his sides. \u201cI would really love to, but\u2014I mean, my schedule\u2019s kind of tight.\u201d Kyuhyun sends him an apologetic look. \u201cI have concerts and apparently the wardrobe person has a problem with the size of my pants, and\u2014\u201d He chuckles again. \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s all right,\u201d Jongwoon says, though he can feel his spirits dampen a little. \u201cIt\u2019s understandable.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut hey.\u201d Kyuhyun smiles again. \u201cIt\u2019s definitely something we should try doing in the future.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon tosses and turns in his bed, but can\u2019t get to sleep. He remembers being in the Super Junior dorms and feeling as tired as hell, days where he had hugged and clung onto members for lack of better things to do, due to drowsiness (and the urge to promote fanservice.) He clings to his pillow and stuffs his face in, trying to get himself to fall asleep; but the adrenaline rushing through him refuses to go away.<\/p>\n He settles for getting up from his bed and making his way over to Kyuhyun\u2019s room like he always does. Kyuhyun\u2019s door is open, as usual. He climbs into the bed and doesn\u2019t move when Kyuhyun rolls around, and Kyuhyun seems mildly surprised at first before he sighs. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t really mind, though, as long as he knows as Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n Jongwoon finds his nose automatically snuggling into the crook of Kyuhyun\u2019s neck, which is probably awkward considering both of their positions right now. So he moves slightly, and flops his arm to the side, unknowingly trapping Kyuhyun beneath him. Kyuhyun notices, of course, and mumbles a, \u201cHyung,\u201d as he attempts to shove his arm off of him.<\/p>\n Jongwoon whines and brings him closer to him, wanting some sort of warmth, some sort of comfort. Kyuhyun whines, \u201cHyung,\u201d again, but Jongwoon hardly pays him any attention. Instead he just brings Kyuhyun\u2019s shoulder closer to him and his mouth sidles against the edge of his ear, lips pressing on him gently.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s seemed to have frozen in his grasp, but Jongwoon is hardly aware of what he\u2019s doing anymore. He nods his head down and falls asleep, still holding Kyuhyun in his arms.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t mention anything in the morning, as always, though there seems to be something wary about him when Jongwoon walks into the kitchen. It all goes away, though, when Jongwoon greets him with nothing but a smile and they settle down at the table for breakfast.<\/p>\n \u201cAnything new with you?\u201d Kyuhyun asks him, because it\u2019s polite to do so of course. Jongwoon thinks in the back of his mind that maybe Kyuhyun cares but doesn\u2019t dwell too long on it.<\/p>\n \u201cNot really,\u201d he replies. \u201cFinished a song. Gonna call my mom. And whatnot. I think she\u2019s worried that I still don\u2019t have a wife yet.\u201d He chuckles and fumbles with the rice cake in between his chopsticks.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun laughs as well. \u201cIf I were your mom, I\u2019d be worried too. Except\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cExcept you don\u2019t have a wife either?\u201d Jongwoon says amusedly.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun chuckles and nods, and then glances down to the rice ball soup in the bowl beneath him.<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re some sad, sad men aren\u2019t we,\u201d Jongwoon muses. \u201cNot that I mind so much, though. It\u2019s nice enough having you here.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d Kyuhyun says. \u201cIt\u2019s nice having you here with me too.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n In mid-September, Jongwoon notices that his hair is getting long and he notices that Kyuhyun\u2019s hair is getting long as well. They haven\u2019t had a haircut in a while\u2014they rarely got haircuts together\u2014but really, it would be unhealthy to just let their hair grow. So he comes up to Kyuhyun one day and tells him, \u201cWe need to cut our hair.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe?\u201d Kyuhyun raises his gaze up and eyes Jongwoon\u2019s hair. Then he stares at the strands hanging in front of his face. \u201cOh. We do.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah. Want to go today?\u201d Jongwoon asks.<\/p>\n \u201cHold on, just give me a second,\u201d Kyuhyun says, turning his attention back to the sink where he had been washing the dishes. \u201cJust let me finish with this last load.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s with you and your obsession with doing the dishes anyways?\u201d Jongwoon says, glancing between him and the dishwasher.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t have an obsession! I just can\u2019t stand it when there are dirty dishes in the sink.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, okay. You don\u2019t have an obsession at all.\u201d Jongwoon grins.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, what, shut up hyung.\u201d Kyuhyun laughs and splashes some soap water on Jongwoon\u2019s face, causing a little bit of the bubbles to pop on him.<\/p>\n \u201cAh! My eye, my eye!\u201d Jongwoon cries, covering his right eye with his palm.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun stops suddenly and runs over to him, looking at him carefully. \u201cAre you all right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust kidding!\u201d Jongwoon laughs as well and reaches over to the sink, tossing water on Kyuhyun too. Kyuhyun yelps as the front of his shirt gets wet, and turns on the sink to spray Jongwoon back.<\/p>\n The two have a small water fight (and almost kill the sink nozzle) until a ceramic plate nearly falls off from the edge of the slippery counter. Then they glance at each other, eyes widened in fear.<\/p>\n \u201cWe should stop,\u201d Kyuhyun says.<\/p>\n Jongwoon nods in agreement, and as Kyuhyun finishes doing the dishes, he walks around and stretches his arms behind his head. Their apartment is still small, plain; but there\u2019s this sort of homey feel to it that he enjoys immensely. Jongwoon enjoys his home immensely.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun goes to his room when he\u2019s done and changes his clothes, and then comes out to where Jongwoon\u2019s standing near their shoes. \u201cReady?\u201d he says.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d says Jongwoon.<\/p>\n They slip on their shoes and then walk out. Before Jongwoon knows it, they\u2019re strolling along the streets, looking for a proper place to get their hair cut. The place that Jongwoon usually goes to is merely mediocre, and apparently Kyuhyun likes to roam around and see which places are best (which explains why that one time a couple years back his hair had been horrible\u2014not like Jongwoon had ever let him know.) They talk and make their way around the city, until they finally find a place that they think is suitable for the both of them.<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s hair turns out clean-cut and crisp\u2014not too bad\u2014and he also had managed talking Kyuhyun out of getting a perm he had been considering. Kyuhyun\u2019s hair turns out to be not much shorter than it had been before (but maybe Jongwoon had decided on the style on purpose, because Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t look too bad in it), which he seems pretty much satisfied with. They walk out of the shop after tipping their respective barbers, and then Jongwoon turns around to play with Kyuhyun\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s so soft and fluffy!\u201d he says, running his fingers through the strands. He watches as Kyuhyun laughs, all teeth and lips and tongue.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure it is, hyung.\u201d He lifts up his own hands to pat it down, batting Jongwoon\u2019s hands away.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, don\u2019t be so mean to me.\u201d Jongwoon pouts and wraps his arms around Kyuhyun\u2019s torso, leaning his chin on his shoulder. He sees Kyuhyun fidget in his hold, and wonders what\u2019s wrong. (There\u2019s nothing wrong.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n And in the night he comes to Kyuhyun again, because it feels like what\u2019s right, what he\u2019s supposed to do. That he\u2019s supposed to be with him. Even though Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t seem to want or need Jongwoon at all, it\u2019s not like Jongwoon can (wants to) help it\u2014his body takes over, his mind is temporarily gone (or so he likes to think) and it\u2019s all just him and Kyuhyun, Kyuhyun<\/em>.<\/p>\n He feels the warmth next to him in the morning, and then its brief absence\u2014but only brief because Jongwoon sticks his hands out and pulls Kyuhyun back down, making him yelp out a little.<\/p>\n \u201cJongwoon, what\u2014what are you doing\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJust stay,\u201d Jongwoon murmurs, clutching Kyuhyun close to him like a stuffed animal and burying his face into the side of Kyuhyun\u2019s sleeve. Kyuhyun sighs but settles back down next to Jongwoon in the bed, shifting slightly uncomfortably.<\/p>\n \u201cHyung, is this really necessary?\u201d he whispers. The sun is peeks out from the curtains on the side.<\/p>\n Jongwoon wriggles underneath the dark blue sheet covering them and manages to nod, just barely. \u201cI miss this,\u201d he mumbles.<\/p>\n \u201cMiss what?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s head moves a little bit, perhaps to look at him. Jongwoon manages to shrug from holding Kyuhyun so tightly.<\/p>\n \u201cJust this\u2026 closeness,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n They stay for a little bit, and Jongwoon\u2019s aware of Kyuhyun\u2019s shallow breathing and of his own. The top of his head seems to fit in place next to Kyuhyun\u2019s ear, as his hands settle on the other side of his shoulders. Kyuhyun makes no effort to move away from him\u2014actually, it seems as if he\u2019s starting to get used to this position. The thought makes a small smile come to Jongwoon\u2019s face, as he continues bringing Kyuhyun even closer to him.<\/p>\n Finally after a while, Kyuhyun starts to move away. \u201cJongwoon, I need to\u2014We should probably start getting ready for work. We\u2019re probably late.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, probably,\u201d Jongwoon says, watching as Kyuhyun makes his way out of the bed. He doesn\u2019t let him go, though, because he pulls Kyuhyun\u2019s hand and kisses him lightly on the lips, before walking out of the room.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon decides that he\u2019s finally let go of Super Junior. He hasn\u2019t let them go fully, obviously\u2014he\u2019ll probably never be able to\u2014but he\u2019s progressed, he\u2019s starting to live towards something else. He\u2019s pretty sure Kyuhyun has too, and they\u2019re relying on each other\u2014but it\u2019s the good sort of reliance, like two good friends looking out for each other.<\/p>\n He jerks off in the shower and thinks of Kyuhyun. (He knows what it means, of course, but he refuses to admit it to himself.)<\/p>\n It\u2019s like forming some sort of closure and at the same time not, because as things start to come together, other opportunities start to open up. Jongwoon has the incentive to take these opportunities so he does, little by little, step by step. And it works. Everything works.<\/p>\n (The only problem that remains is Kyuhyun.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He doesn\u2019t try to look at Kyuhyun again because he knows it\u2019s wrong<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n \u2014but it must be wrong, too, to not forget about him as the water splashes all around and Jongwoon\u2019s fingers work around himself.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon pokes Kyuhyun\u2019s arm with his finger. Kyuhyun barely lifts up his eyes from his computer screen, but says, \u201cYeah hyung?\u201d like he\u2019s pretending to pay attention to him.<\/p>\n \u201cI said, your cell phone\u2019s been ringing nonstop for the past five minutes,\u201d Jongwoon says to him. \u201cYou should probably pick it up. The caller ID says it\u2019s \u2018manager hyung.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you pick it up for me?\u201d Kyuhyun asks, setting his laptop down on the seat next to him and starts to get up from the couch. \u201cInstead of just sitting here and bothering me\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh please. If I was bothering you, you would have been up within a second.\u201d Jongwoon rolls his eyes as Kyuhyun walks over to the other side of the room. He follows him, and wraps an arm around the front of his torso while Kyuhyun picks up his phone.<\/p>\n \u201cHello?\u201d Kyuhyun says. He seems a bit uncomfortable in Jongwoon\u2019s hold, so Jongwoon loosens it a little bit. \u201cHi, hyung, yes\u2014yes, I can come to work later this evening. Yeah. Sure! I\u2014\u201d And then he turns to Jongwoon and shoots him a dirty look. Jongwoon furrows his eyebrows in confusion but Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t seem to try to explain when he turns to his phone again. \u201cYeah. Yeah. All right. Okay.\u201d He hangs up, and then turns to Jongwoon again.<\/p>\n \u201cHyung!\u201d he says, throwing his hands off. \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d Jongwoon blinks, and then realizes what\u2019s wrong: Kyuhyun seems to want to stand as far away from him as possible. Defensively, he says, \u201cI used to do it all the time, there\u2019s nothing wrong\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, you used<\/em> to do it all the time. Used<\/em> to,\u201d says Kyuhyun. \u201cYou haven\u2019t done it in a long time, and then suddenly\u2014suddenly you\u2019re being all touchy feely over me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell.\u201d Jongwoon shifts from foot to foot. \u201cIs there something wrong with that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes!<\/em> I mean, normal men\u2014normal men don\u2019t do<\/em> that,\u201d Kyuhyun emphasizes.<\/p>\n \u201cWho said we were normal men?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHyung,\u201d Kyuhyun says, giving him a serious look.<\/p>\n Jongwoon shrugs and blinks. \u201cWhat? I\u2019m just saying.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes, but\u2014but really<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2014Jongwoon, I just\u2014\u201d Kyuhyun lets out an exasperated sigh and throws his hand up in the air. \u201cI\u2019m going out for a walk.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCan I come with you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d Kyuhyun says briskly. \u201cI\u2019m going out for a walk. On my own. Just to clear my mind,\u201d he adds when he sees the slightly reproachful expression on Jongwoon\u2019s face. \u201cI\u2019ll be back, hyung. I promise.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Kyuhyun does come back, of course. When he does, they eat seaweed soup for dinner and then Kyuhyun tells him that he has to go back to work, for something that his manager wants. Jongwoon nods and watches as Kyuhyun walks out the door, and waits for him to come back. (He has this feeling, this feeling that it\u2019s sort of hopeless though\u2014but it\u2019s not, he tells himself, of course it\u2019s not.)<\/p>\n By eleven o\u2019clock it seems like Kyuhyun\u2019s still at work so Jongwoon decides to give up on staying up for Kyuhyun to come back, and instead just go to bed. (He\u2019s in the shower again and Kyuhyun fills his mind and he hasn\u2019t felt like this for a long time but he comes all in a rush and he has nothing to hold back in this empty apartment.) So he washes and changes and then settles into his rather cool bed for a mid-autumn night, waiting for sleep to overtake him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The apartment is silent the next morning.<\/p>\n Jongwoon first thinks that there must be some sort of mistake\u2014maybe he\u2019s dreaming, or maybe it\u2019s really late and Kyuhyun had already left without leaving a note. But no, it\u2019s six thirty like it always is and when he pinches himself he\u2019s pretty sure by the blood he ends up spilling that he\u2019s not dreaming. He wanders around the apartment, thinking that maybe Kyuhyun is in the bathroom, in the living room, in the room they never use, hiding in one of the kitchen drawers and is just playing a trick on him\u2014but it\u2019s quiet, all quiet.<\/p>\n And Jongwoon is alone.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n His manager taps a pen against the side of his head. \u201cJongwoon, wake up.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHuh\u2014Oh.\u201d Jongwoon swivels his head around to see his manager staring down at him, eyes clouded with confusion and worry.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve been zoning out all day,\u201d he says to him. \u201cAre you all right? Did you get enough sleep last night?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2014Yeah, yeah I did,\u201d Jongwoon says quickly. \u201cUm, yeah. I\u2019m just\u2014I\u2019m fine, really, mild headache, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you sure?\u201d His manager bends his head down to look Jongwoon in the eye.<\/p>\n \u201cReally.\u201d Jongwoon shakes his head and averts his gaze back to the paper beneath him, wishing he could climb into its crease and ride on the wing-like folds.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Dinner seems empty, cold without Kyuhyun, even though Jongwoon\u2019s burning his tongue with his overheated flat beef noodles. He stares at the empty space across from him and wonders where he\u2019s gone. (It shouldn\u2019t be any of his business or worry to wonder things like this, but\u2014Jongwoon can\u2019t help wondering. He really can\u2019t.)<\/p>\n He finishes his meal in ten minutes and spends the rest of the night wanting to go to sleep. Of course he can\u2019t, because the heater refuses to turn on; and even if it does, it\u2019s still not warm enough.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s doing the laundry (because he still cares about health, he still cares about personal hygiene) and instinctively, like he always does, he walks into Kyuhyun\u2019s room and expects a pile of dirty clothes waiting for him to pick up. Waiting for him to sigh and stare at, waiting for him to get.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a tiny mound in the closet where Kyuhyun\u2019s dirty clothes had been before he had left. Jongwoon sighs and stares at the hill, and then gets every single piece in them. He pretends that these are Kyuhyun\u2019s clothes for the week, instead of for the few days he had been here, and tosses the clothes into the basket two times longer than he should.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The next morning, Jongwoon has this sort of hope deep down inside of him that Kyuhyun will pop out of nowhere and yell, \u201cSurprise! I\u2019m back!\u201d because it\u2019s such a Kyuhyun<\/em> thing to do, right? Yes, it is. It\u2019s such a Kyuhyun thing to do that it\u2019s what Kyuhyun will<\/em> do because Kyuhyun just doesn\u2019t disappear randomly, he\u2019s usually just hiding some place that Jongwoon hadn\u2019t looked before. So Jongwoon believes that it will happen, and that any moment now Kyuhyun will jump out from behind the counter and tackle him.<\/p>\n After breakfast, he puts his shoes on and leaves.<\/p>\n When he gets to work, his manager seems to be just as wary about him as he had been last time. He doesn\u2019t say anything, of course, and neither does Jongwoon. They proceed with their normal day like they always do and Jongwoon ignores the little thing tugging at the back of his mind. He works all morning and eats a fifteen minute lunch and works all afternoon, and then goes home late at night, back to the sudden, still apartment.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Kyuhyun will come back. Jongwoon knows this. All of Kyuhyun\u2019s stuff is still littered around the apartment, and it\u2019s been what\u2014four days now? Kyuhyun wouldn\u2019t last without Jongwoon for about a week. No, Kyuhyun will come back, he\u2019s sure of it. Of course Kyuhyun will. What would Kyuhyun do without all his stuff? (Without him?)<\/p>\n Jongwoon is tempted to take the opportunity to go through his stuff\u2014he doesn\u2019t, of course, but he\u2019s tempted to. Instead he just sits in Kyuhyun\u2019s bed and breathes in Kyuhyun\u2019s scent and wonders where he is right now. This is sort of like when they hadn\u2019t been talking to each other\u2014sort of, but not really. Now Kyuhyun\u2019s the one who\u2019s left and Jongwoon, Jongwoon doesn\u2019t know where he\u2019s gone. (But he will come back. He will come home.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Breakfast and dinner are usually the same, mostly because Jongwoon cooks too much and always ends up having leftovers for the next meal. He confuses breakfast with dinner sometimes and dinner with breakfast; one time, he had accidentally told his mother over the phone that he was eating dinner when it had been seven in the morning!<\/p>\n The event sounds hilarious to him, or maybe Jongwoon\u2019s just hearing things.<\/p>\n Regardless, he fills the empty space in the rooms with his music and talks and words and sounds, because even if there is absence, there should be no reason for him to not hold the spots. This is all temporary, but he\u2019s just doing this. He\u2019s keeping all of it warm. Everything, all of it.<\/p>\n But somehow, it is not quite enough.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon decides that he shouldn\u2019t waste his time mulling over Kyuhyun\u2019s momentary absence\u2014he should do something by himself. He should learn how to manage by himself. So after a few days he stops sitting in Kyuhyun\u2019s room and stops lying in Kyuhyun\u2019s bed and goes back to his own, where he pulls the covers over himself and tells himself that he\u2019s happy.<\/p>\n His manager continues to notice his odd behavior, but Jongwoon doesn\u2019t care. Why should he care? He\u2019s fine, perfectly fine; he can handle being without Kyuhyun, he is strong, he is strong<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (The water runs along the sand beneath his toes, washing up nothing but empty beer bottles and empty shells.)<\/p>\n But no, he\u2019s not because two days later Jongwoon gives up again. He gives up on being strong and instead drags his blanket out into the living room and stares at their apartment doorway, waiting for Kyuhyun to walk in any moment now. He stays up and his tired eyes focus on the wooden door, anticipating for it to open, anticipating for the silence to break and for Kyuhyun to be here with him. Jongwoon stays up for days and nights on end, but none of it changes.<\/p>\n He wonders what Kyuhyun\u2019s doing right now. If Kyuhyun\u2019s okay. Who, who Kyuhyun\u2019s currently staying with. Maybe with his family\u2014they don\u2019t live too far away from here, do they? Jongwoon hopes that they\u2019re feeding him okay. He hopes that Kyuhyun has a cozy bed, a far cozier bed than the one in this apartment (even though that\u2019s not likely.) He hopes that Kyuhyun thinks about him and hopes that Kyuhyun is being held against his own will, that he wants to come back.<\/p>\n Jongwoon is a little pathetic, isn\u2019t he? He stares at the door and his eyes grow red.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n For eight days his manager continues to not say anything even though it\u2019s clear that he\u2019s noticed that something is wrong, that something is off. Of course no one else knows about Jongwoon\u2019s current living situation, or any living situation he\u2019s ever had; so there\u2019s no reason for Jongwoon to tell him, and there\u2019s no reason for Jongwoon to tell him anything at all.<\/p>\n Finally his manager snaps on the ninth day and pulls Jongwoon aside from being outfitted for his photo shoot. \u201cJongwoon,\u201d he says. \u201cYou know if there\u2019s anything you want to tell me, anything, you can always just come and talk to me, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRight.\u201d Jongwoon says the recited word, and thinks that if there\u2019s anything he\u2019s ever needed to tell anyone, he would tell Kyuhyun.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you sure you\u2019re focused? Completely and wholeheartedly fine?\u201d his manager asks, looking concerned.<\/p>\n \u201cReally, sunbae,\u201d Jongwoon snaps, giving him a look. \u201cI\u2019m fine. How many times do I have to tell you?\u201d He doesn\u2019t meet his manager\u2019s eyes with his own red ones, and instead walks away with weakness in each footstep.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Being alone is something Jongwoon had always been good at, or at least that\u2019s what he likes to think. He has this stage alone, he has his career alone, and he has his apartment alone.<\/p>\n Or, at least, now he does.<\/p>\n On the stage, he grips the microphone tightly in his hand and sings the songs he had composed himself. The lyrics feel familiar on his lips and the music sounds familiar in his ears and all of it is familiar to him. Even though something is missing, something is not quite right; but it\u2019s not really for Jongwoon to care or notice this. Because when he\u2019s alone, nothing is right, nothing is quite perfect.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He doesn\u2019t sleep because he can\u2019t sleep and insomnia isn\u2019t something he can control. Missing Kyuhyun is something he can\u2019t control either, so Jongwoon just goes along with what his mind tells him instead of his body. He knows best. He always knows best.<\/p>\n So instead of sleeping and instead of not missing, he curls up and holds himself and stares at the door and waits. His days feel like ashes, blowing away slowly, and it\u2019s all Jongwoon really needs in life.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Eventually the missing turns to anger and the anger turns to sadness. Days, weeks pass and Kyuhyun still isn\u2019t back. It\u2019s mid-October and Kyuhyun still isn\u2019t back.<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s eyes not only grow red, but wet as well: perhaps he\u2019s being a little stupid in it all. It\u2019s probably all just a misconception, that Kyuhyun\u2019s not really<\/em> gone, that there\u2019s just, there\u2019s just something behind the scenes that Jongwoon doesn\u2019t know yet. This must be it\u2014but no because when Jongwoon wakes up every morning, his pillow is tear-stained and his room is impossibly cold and he decides that, the next time I see you Cho Kyuhyun I am going to strangle the living shit out of you.<\/em><\/p>\n (Only because he hates feeling this hopeless.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n It can\u2019t be hopeless, though. Kyuhyun\u2019s stuff is still in this apartment. Kyuhyun will come back. It can\u2019t be this hopeless. It can\u2019t. It can\u2019t.<\/em> (Jongwoon\u2019s still a little shocked at how sudden it had started, and how short it\u2019s been lasting\u2014it certainly feels like ages and why, why is Kyuhyun gone now.)<\/p>\n He knows Kyuhyun. He knows Kyuhyun isn\u2019t the type to just get up and leave, that Kyuhyun would at least tell him a reason or leave him a slip of paper or something. Kyuhyun isn\u2019t quiet. Kyuhyun isn\u2019t cold. Kyuhyun is talkative and wonderful and beautiful and perfect. He can\u2019t have left. So Jongwoon waits.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n After waiting eighteen hours more, Jongwoon blasts one of Kyuhyun\u2019s compact discs throughout the apartment until the neighbors come over and yell at him, \u201cTurn the stupid music off!<\/em>\u201d He yells back, \u201cShut the fuck up you don\u2019t even know who I am!<\/em>\u201d The neighbors call the landlord and the landlord asks Jongwoon to please, at least turn down your music; so Jongwoon turns off his stereo and misses Kyuhyun\u2019s voice filling his ears.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n After twenty-six hours more, Jongwoon considers getting up to eat before he remembers that he\u2019s not hungry and there\u2019s no use in eating if you\u2019re not hungry. He holds onto himself and stares at the chair across from him, where Kyuhyun had sat, where Kyuhyun used to sit whenever they ate breakfast, lunch or dinner. It\u2019s Kyuhyun\u2019s seat. (Jongwoon is tempted to burn it.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n After thirty-four hours more, Jongwoon stares out the window and tries to figure out when it had started turning light out. It had been dark a moment ago. Or maybe he had fallen asleep. (But that can\u2019t be true because it\u2019s cold and he doesn\u2019t fall asleep when he\u2019s cold so he probably hadn\u2019t fallen asleep. Going insane, most likely.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n After forty hours more, there\u2019s a sound. Or, at least, Jongwoon swears he hears the doorbell ring and he jumps up from his seat on the couch and run towards the door, pillow in hand, eyes pink in happiness.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun!\u201d he says, opening up the door\u2014but no one is there. The hallway is completely empty, and completely dark.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n After waiting forty-two hours, the rest of Jongwoon\u2019s body gives way and he sleeps. He dreams of photographs and childhood memories and wonders where the past has gone. Where everything has gone.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He gets a call from Siwon.<\/p>\n \u201cH-Hello?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAh.\u201d Jongwoon presses his ear harder to the speaker and tries to remember why that voice sounds familiar. \u201cWho is this?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThis is\u2014This is Choi Siwon.\u201d A clearing of a throat, an awkward pause. \u201cI was, um.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSiwon?\u201d Jongwoon interrupts. \u201cSiwon as in\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAs in ex-Super Junior member.\u201d A small shuffling. \u201cI was, um. I was told to check up on you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCheck up on me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, to see how you\u2019re doing\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2014or-or if you\u2019re okay, or something.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d comes Siwon\u2019s somewhat familiar, somewhat distinct voice. \u201cI was just\u2014I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho contacted you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho contacted you to check up on me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2014Uh\u2014It\u2019s not very\u2014He feels bad for this\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know if I should\u2014Please, hyung, you have to understand\u2014Aren\u2019t you even glad to hear from me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWho<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n Dial tone.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Kyuhyun comes back two days later.<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s not very aware of it, really; actually, he\u2019s pretty much given up by now. He\u2019s given up on doing work because Kyuhyun\u2019s left, gone for no reason<\/em> and all he can do is wait because he knows, he knows<\/em> Kyuhyun will come back because this apartment has all his stuff and it has Jongwoon<\/em> and how can Kyuhyun not come back?<\/p>\n Kyuhyun enters the door and Jongwoon barely notices.<\/p>\n \u201cHyung,\u201d Kyuhyun says at first, quietly, indistinct. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t hear him because he\u2019s busy sitting on the couch, hugging a pillow and staring into space, somewhere else, on the floor (or in its general direction.)<\/p>\n \u201cHyung,\u201d Kyuhyun says again.<\/p>\n Jongwoon snaps his head up. His bloodshot eyes widen in surprise, perhaps a bit too wide for a relatively sane, or awake person.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun?\u201d he says. Then he shakes his head and ruffles his black hair a little bit. \u201cNo, you can\u2019t be here, not yet\u2014Not yet\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHyung,\u201d Kyuhyun repeats for a third time but Jongwoon is shaking his head, muttering things like, \u201cHe can\u2019t be here, it\u2019s too\u2014he can\u2019t be here yet\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI told Siwon to check up on you, hyung,\u201d Kyuhyun says, looking down to Jongwoon on the couch.<\/p>\n Jongwoon snaps his head up. \u201cThat was you<\/em>? You\u2014You\u2019re in touch with the others and you never told me?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2014Yes.\u201d Kyuhyun casts his gaze down. \u201cThat was\u2014Only a convenience of the thing, I felt bad for leaving and I wanted to see if you were okay\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re in touch with the other members and you never told<\/em> me?\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon gets up from the couch, dropping the cushion he had been holding earlier. He stands up and thrusts a finger to Kyuhyun\u2019s chest.<\/p>\n \u201cYou just felt bad for leaving<\/em> me, here, alone? You\u2014You left<\/em> me Kyuhyun, without a note or warning or anything and why\u2014why the hell did you even leave anyways!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou can\u2019t just abandon me without any reason and just\u2014and just leave<\/em> like that! I\u2014I waited for you! I waited<\/em>!\u201d Jongwoon presses back sobs in his throat and punches Kyuhyun\u2019s chest, hard. Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t move. \u201cI waited for you to come back because I knew\u2014I knew<\/em> you\u2019d come back but y-you\u2014fuck you Cho Kyuhyun!\u201d<\/p>\n He shoves Kyuhyun a little, making him stumble back; but Kyuhyun just stares at Jongwoon and doesn\u2019t say anything. Jongwoon clenches his jaw and tightens his fist and bites on his lip, and he feels a single tear trace down his cheek as he pushes Kyuhyun\u2019s shoulder again.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy did you leave?\u201d Jongwoon demands, looking down, refusing to meet his gaze. \u201cWhy?\u201d His fingers curl around the hem of Kyuhyun\u2019s shirt as he stares at the ground beneath his feet.<\/p>\n \u201cB-Because\u2026\u201d Kyuhyun\u2019s voice is weighted, guilty. \u201cI\u2026 I don\u2019t\u2026 You\u2019re changing, hyung.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not changing! I\u2019m not changing at all!\u201d Jongwoon lets out a hollow laugh. \u201cHow am I changing, Kyuhyun? Tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2026 You\u2019re\u2026 You\u2019re becoming more needy,\u201d says Kyuhyun. \u201cYou\u2019re just\u2026 It\u2019s not like how we used to be.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEverything. All of this living together, all of this staying together\u2014it had never meant anything before.\u201d Kyuhyun gestures to the apartment around them before looking to Jongwoon again. \u201cBut then all of a sudden you\u2019re-you\u2019re becoming clingy and hugging me and holding me and kissing me<\/em> and-and it\u2019s just not right, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean it\u2019s just not right?\u201d Jongwoon says defiantly, his gaze fixated on Kyuhyun\u2019s face.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know what I\u2019m talking about.\u201d Kyuhyun\u2019s expression remains stony, with a tiny bit of regret in his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cOh what? Me touching you? Doing things to you? It\u2019s not right<\/em>?\u201d Jongwoon laughs deliriously. \u201cWell I don\u2019t care if it\u2019s not right,\u201d he says, sobering up, \u201cbecause it feels right to me and I like it and I\u2019ll do whatever I want to do\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou think that I<\/em> actually want it?\u201d cuts in Kyuhyun. \u201cYou think that just because we\u2019re friends and just because we\u2019re living with each other, you\u2019re allowed to go even further, do-do other<\/em> stuff? Experiment with me?\u201d He looks pained, and a little bit exasperated. \u201cLook, hyung, I-I understand if\u2014if you\u2019re having an identity crisis or something. But that\u2019s no excuse to impose it on me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIdentity crisis? What the hell,\u201d says Jongwoon, meeting his defiant gaze, \u201care you talking about?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAll this gay stuff!\u201d The words rip through the air. \u201cJesus Christ, hyung, you haven\u2019t acted like this since our band days! And back then, that was all for show and publicity and everything! Just because we\u2019d been in a boy band doesn\u2019t mean that I\u2014I\u2019m like you!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLike me?\u201d Jongwoon narrows his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know. Your sudden affection for me\u2026 in ways more than one,\u201d Kyuhyun adds pointedly. \u201cWhat, did all the fanservice get to your head? I don\u2019t\u2014I don\u2019t really mind that much if you\u2014if you like guys that way, but I don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n And this sort of makes Jongwoon feel hopeless, although he doesn\u2019t say anything on the matter. Instead, he says, \u201cHow can you know that for sure?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2018For sure\u2019? Jongwoon, I\u2019ve known for ages.\u201d For the first time, Kyuhyun sounds patient, a little bit tired. \u201cYou think I didn\u2019t question it myself back in adolescent years, much less in Super Junior? Hyung, I don\u2019t have any attraction, physical or emotional, to males at all. I don\u2019t\u2014I just know<\/em> I don\u2019t. I was comfortable with you and the others back when we did things for the fans, but that\u2019s it. That\u2019s all there\u2019s ever been to it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut you can\u2019t just\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI may not have explored my sexuality,\u201d says Kyuhyun, \u201cbut it\u2019s not\u2014it\u2019s not right<\/em>, okay? It\u2019s not okay. I haven\u2019t tried and I don\u2019t want to try, because being\u2026 doing things with another man is just something I don\u2019t\u2014I don\u2019t want to do. I can\u2019t do. I\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut see, this is it!\u201d exclaims Jongwoon. \u201cYou don\u2019t know because you\u2019ve never tried! You\u2019ve thought<\/em> about it, but it\u2019s not\u2014it\u2019s not the same, you can\u2019t just say no<\/em> and know for sure without having any experience\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI do know! I know! I know it\u2019s true! I know that there\u2019s nothing to it about me and guys!\u201d Kyuhyun throws up his hands, looking a bit deranged.<\/p>\n Jongwoon bites his lip and feels hopeless. \u201cCan you\u2026 At least try. Once. So you know for sure.\u201d And when Kyuhyun\u2019s calculating eyes rake over him, Jongwoon keeps still. \u201cJust once?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun stares for a moment, and then sighs. But he nods. He looks serious, gaze penetrating into Jongwoon; for a moment, Jongwoon forgets how to breathe. They lean in, sort of awkwardly walking towards each other, sort of trying to balance everything together. The space between them gets smaller and smaller, closing at an impossibly fast rate.<\/p>\n So their lips meet. And then their hands do. And then Jongwoon finds himself getting lost in Kyuhyun\u2019s scent, in Kyuhyun\u2019s taste as his fingers run through his hair, breathing in everything he\u2019s always known, he\u2019s ever known. Kyuhyun\u2019s lips are working against his as well, gently as if this is natural for him, and he slowly adjusts and molds against Jongwoon. They\u2019re all soft and brief touches, and that\u2019s all their kiss really is\u2014and then Jongwoon\u2019s mouth opens and Kyuhyun is feeling every inch and wall and corner, tasting every last bit of him.<\/p>\n And all the while, they don\u2019t cease to let go, not even once.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon stumbles as Kyuhyun pushes him backwards, shoving his body against the bedroom door. It manages to open; Kyuhyun kisses him harder and Jongwoon lets out a soft moan in his mouth while his hands fasten around Kyuhyun\u2019s neck.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun tosses Jongwoon\u2019s body onto the bed, and as Jongwoon rolls over to adjust himself on the mattress, Kyuhyun reaches over and runs a hand through his thick, dark, matted hair. Jongwoon shivers at his cold touch, and at Kyuhyun\u2019s nails slowly scraping along his skin. Kyuhyun leans down to kiss him again, and Jongwoon presses his body back against him, not hesitating at all.<\/p>\n Their tongues entangle and Kyuhyun slips a hand under Jongwoon\u2019s shirt, sending a spark straight to Jongwoon\u2019s crotch. Jongwoon groans again and presses their hips together, biting onto Kyuhyun\u2019s lips. A sound emits from his mouth, a sound that he\u2019s slightly embarrassed to hear himself make, not sounding at all like melodies or harmonies but a desperate, desperate chord. He can feel Kyuhyun smirk against him as their shirts come off, and soon enough, their pants as well.<\/p>\n (They don\u2019t speak a word the whole time.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Kyuhyun wakes up before him. Jongwoon opens his eyes to an impossibly cold bed, and he can feel his whole body aching as he rolls over. Any form of a previous absence is gone, and his initial thought is, Fuck, I screwed it up again.<\/em><\/p>\n He puts some clothes on and walks out of the room, stretching and yawning. When he comes into the kitchen, however, he sees a small card on the table, with some writing on it. Curious, he picks it up.<\/p>\n Jongwoon \u2013<\/em><\/p>\n Left at the normal time today. Didn\u2019t want to wake you up. I\u2019ll be home as I usually do, so be sure to cook me some noodles!<\/em><\/p>\n \u2013 Kyuhyun<\/em><\/p>\n Jongwoon smiles.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Dinners aren\u2019t awkward and neither are breakfasts, but it definitely feels like something is different. Nothing is perfect and nothing is completely, quite right\u2014but\u2014<\/p>\n But\u2014<\/p>\n Jongwoon refuses to think.<\/p>\n \u201cHey. Hyung.\u201d Kyuhyun snaps his fingers in front of Jongwoon\u2019s face. \u201cAre you okay there?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d Jongwoon shakes his head and looks to Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun is staring at him intently from across the restaurant table.<\/p>\n Jongwoon quickly shakes his head and then nods. \u201cYeah. Yeah. I\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood.\u201d Kyuhyun returns to eating his cake. \u201cI want you to be fine. I wouldn\u2019t want you to be upset or anything.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou better not.\u201d Jongwoon throws Kyuhyun a look before turning to his own pastry, poking at it with a stick.<\/p>\n \u201cOf course I don\u2019t. Though,\u201d Kyuhyun adds thoughtfully, tapping the piece of cake he had just torn off, \u201cyou are<\/em> pretty amusing when you\u2019re angry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHey!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOr annoyed.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon pouts. Kyuhyun smirks. Their hands meet under the table, unknown to everyone else.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Fingers touch fingers, skin touches skin; beyond them, the night sky is staring at them, watching them like a voyeur in the mist. Kyuhyun\u2019s hands go down Jongwoon\u2019s bare legs, feeling every muscle inside of them. Jongwoon groans and throws his head back against the headboard.<\/p>\n \u201cFucking\u2026\u201d Kyuhyun mutters, tearing the last piece of Jongwoon\u2019s clothing off. \u201cThese blankets really shouldn\u2019t be on the bed.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon can only nod slightly as Kyuhyun kicks the comforter off, and then moves a little bit closer to Jongwoon. The older man parts his legs as Kyuhyun slides between them, and then bites on his lips when Kyuhyun\u2019s hands touch the hardness between his thighs.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is a new side to you,\u201d Kyuhyun says with a grin, and Jongwoon merely moans in reply.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n They speak of nothing, absolutely nothing; but the brief touches they share during the daytime explain it all.<\/p>\n Jongwoon still writes songs about invisible love\u2014he writes songs about invisible love and the foundation of friendship with hints, hints of lusty tones underneath. Something feels missing, something definitely feels missing\u2014but it\u2019ll always be like this, won\u2019t it? (Of course, and that\u2019s why Jongwoon never thinks about it.) And so this is perfect enough to him. Or so he tells himself.<\/p>\n And Kyuhyun seems happy. Kyuhyun always seems happy. Kyuhyun\u2019s a happy man, with a happy family and a happy friend. And a happy roommate. So, Kyuhyun is happy.<\/p>\n For the first time\u2014<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s fingers crawl up Kyuhyun\u2019s shirt, and he wonders why he hadn\u2019t done this before. Why, why he had never even tried this before because everything, all of it is simply unbearable<\/em>, unbearably thrilling, and how could he have lived before. He grips onto Kyuhyun\u2019s waist as Kyuhyun\u2019s mouth works more fiercely at his neck, sucking and kissing and\u2014it all feels like a rush, a rush that Jongwoon doesn\u2019t want to stop from existing.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n It\u2019s mid-November and Jongwoon and Kyuhyun are starting to go shopping for winter clothes. Of course, it\u2019s not like they had grown or anything or that it\u2019s getting any colder in Seoul (it\u2019s always a little bit more cold than anything else)\u2014but they\u2019ve both decided that they need more clothes to keep them warm.<\/p>\n Even when they\u2019re cold, they still have each other.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun admires a large jacket on display, but Jongwoon frowns distastefully at it. \u201cIt looks too bulky,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, but\u2014but it looks like it can protect you from the cold, doesn\u2019t it?\u201d says Kyuhyun. \u201cI might get it. Do you see how much it costs?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNope,\u201d Jongwoon says, turning away.<\/p>\n \u201cHold on.\u201d Kyuhyun grips onto Jongwoon\u2019s arm and then leans down to check the price tag\u2014but when he sees the number of zeroes, he immediately pulls back. \u201cOh wait, never mind.\u201d<\/p>\n Laughing, Jongwoon pulls Kyuhyun by the hand and they walk along through the mall, hints of winter surrounding them.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon can feel the vibrations run through Kyuhyun\u2019s neck as he kisses him, harder. He can feel Kyuhyun chuckle, feel Kyuhyun groan, feel Kyuhyun make sounds of pleasure\u2014it causes the lust tingling inside of him to burn brighter, to burn even more.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s nails dig into the side of his back as Jongwoon\u2019s kisses become more fervent, going down even further, down to Kyuhyun\u2019s collarbone, to Kyuhyun\u2019s bare chest, to his nipples. His pale legs glisten in the moonlight as they press around Jongwoon\u2019s sides, pushing him to go farther southward, pressing with all the force they can. Jongwoon bends his head down obediently and suddenly his head is in his mouth and he\u2019s sucking, sucking just to hear that sound come out of Kyuhyun more, sucking until Kyuhyun comes, comes all into him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Baking isn\u2019t Jongwoon\u2019s specialty (he\u2019s always liked just cooking<\/em>\u2014though just cooking in general really isn\u2019t his thing) but Kyuhyun\u2019s insisted that they bake Christmas cookies together. So they do and halfway through, Jongwoon feels like he wants to tear all his hair out.<\/p>\n \u201cPour one cup of butter\u2014oh god that\u2019s a lot of butter\u2014into the mixture. Kyuhyun, how many tablespoons are in a cup?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know!\u201d Kyuhyun says cheerfully as he stirs the questionable flour-and-baking soda mixture. \u201cDon\u2019t forget the eggs either, hyung! Oh, and the sprinkles!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t we put on the sprinkles right before we put the cookies into the oven?\u201d Jongwoon frowns and glances down at the paper he had printed out. \u201cOr maybe that\u2019s just\u2014it doesn\u2019t say specifically\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know!\u201d Kyuhyun says again. \u201cCome on, Jongwoon, join me!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJoin you in what? You don\u2019t even know what you\u2019re doing!\u201d Jongwoon exclaims, throwing the recipe down.<\/p>\n \u201cThat may be true, but at least I\u2019m having fun,\u201d Kyuhyun says cheekily.<\/p>\n Jongwoon rolls his eyes, but joins him nevertheless.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Lust can do crazy things to people, Jongwoon figures as Kyuhyun corners him in the bathroom and suddenly he\u2019s pressed up against the wall, being kissed out of breath by Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun\u2019s tongue lazily flickers over his lips, teasing him, wanting in; Jongwoon obliges and his mind is sent into a world of nothingness, a world of ecstasy. He lets Kyuhyun kiss him like this, he lets Kyuhyun dominate him like this\u2014Kyuhyun\u2019s hands suddenly become quicker, feeling around his stomach and snaking up his shirt and making Jongwoon shiver. Something bangs into the bathroom trash can, but neither of them notices.<\/p>\n \u201cThis\u2014sort\u2014of\u2014seems\u2014unsanitary\u2014don\u2019t you think?\u201d Jongwoon manages to breathe between kisses. He sees Kyuhyun smirk down at him, and longs for those lips to be on his again.<\/p>\n \u201cBut since when have you care about what\u2019s sanitary and what\u2019s not?\u201d he murmurs, pressing his mouth on his and tasting his tongue again. His fingers catch themselves in Jongwoon\u2019s belt loops, grinding their hips close together. Jongwoon struggles and shivers.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d he whispers back, and tangles his fingers in Kyuhyun\u2019s hair as Kyuhyun tugs his jeans down.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The last thing Jongwoon wants is an argument, but it seems to be leading that way when Kyuhyun refuses to get his lazy ass off the computer to go get the mail.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, come on hyung, it\u2019s not like anything\u2019s really important in the mail, anyways! You can just get it tomorrow!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c \u2018Get it tomorrow\u2019? Kyuhyun, we always<\/em> get our mail today\u2014it\u2019s like once we get it tomorrow, we\u2019ll just keep on changing it up every day and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo what\u2019s wrong with that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s no consistency! It just bothers me!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell if it bothers you so much why don\u2019t you just go get the mail now yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBecause I\u2019m cooking dinner! You know that! My fingers are all covered with grease and oil and stuff\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen wash it off.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t<\/em>, I\u2019m sort of in the middle of doing things and you can\u2019t just ask me to do it\u2014aish\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThen do it when you\u2019re done.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun, can\u2019t you just get the mail now<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n Except Kyuhyun sort of makes it hard for them to have a proper argument.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Has their bathroom ceiling always been this ugly? Jongwoon forces himself to look upward, because he knows that if he looks down, he\u2019ll come right then and there.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s hands are gripping his thighs, and his tongue slicks to the front of his groin.<\/p>\n Jongwoon arches his back and looks at the ceiling harder, as if it\u2019ll stop the burning sensation running up and down his body. He can feel Kyuhyun\u2019s tongue sliding along his length, pressing the tip so his precome drips out, a little; Kyuhyun\u2019s mouth turns more fierce, as if trying to draw a more excited reaction from him.<\/p>\n Jongwoon glances down to Kyuhyun\u2019s bright pink face and excited hollow cheeks, and he\u2019s coming before he knows it.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n In the first week of December, precipitation falls from the sky.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s snowing already?\u201d Kyuhyun asks wide-eyed as he stares outside their apartment window. Beside him, Jongwoon is looking out as well, gaze drifting across the streets.<\/p>\n \u201cI guess,\u201d he says, \u201cthough I\u2019m not really complaining. It\u2019s a lot better than rain, at least. Although the slush will be painful to walk through.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSlush is always painful to walk through,\u201d Kyuhyun grumbles, resting his head between his arms and watching the people run up and down the sidewalks. \u201cBut I don\u2019t mind too much,\u201d he adds, looking down at them and smiling a bit. \u201cIt looks like it\u2019s going to be a white Christmas already.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d Jongwoon says thoughtfully.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s head bows down and he goes in between Jongwoon\u2019s thighs and then suddenly something is there, and Jongwoon doesn\u2019t know if he should be pained or pleasured but he opens his mouth and makes a little sound. And apparently Kyuhyun takes this as a good thing because then his tongue is worming inside of Jongwoon and it\u2019s different and it\u2019s small and it\u2019s difficult<\/em>, but Jongwoon arches his back against Kyuhyun and he\u2019s begging, he\u2019s begging, \u201cMore, more.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun gives him more. He\u2019s always given more.<\/p>\n Jongwoon shudders and tries not to come at that exact moment, because it\u2019s hard when Kyuhyun\u2019s tongue is doing things it\u2019s never done before and Jongwoon is pretty sure at one point he\u2019s doing it all wrong because they\u2019re so inexperienced; but when Kyuhyun\u2019s eyes darken in lust and then they both come, Jongwoon doesn\u2019t question anything. This feels too right.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n His mother invites him to go over for Christmas, but Jongwoon declines politely; Kyuhyun\u2019s father does the same and Kyuhyun merely tells his mother over the phone that he\u2019ll be spending Christmas with a friend instead. Of course, he is<\/em>\u2014but he\u2019s not going anywhere, he\u2019s just staying with Jongwoon.<\/p>\n When they get that out of the way, they address the next dilemma.<\/p>\n \u201cA tree,\u201d Jongwoon says. \u201cWe need a tree.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd some lights,\u201d Kyuhyun adds.<\/p>\n They stare around at their empty apartment blankly.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll get the tree,\u201d Jongwoon says, fishing through the coat closet for his jacket.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd I\u2019ll find some decorations,\u201d Kyuhyun adds, grabbing his own sweater as well.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The air between them is hot, even though the cold air is rattling against the windows. Jongwoon tries to make out Kyuhyun\u2019s face in the dark, but all he can see is a dark head making a way down his chest.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n A tongue flicks forward, and then swirls; Jongwoon grips onto his arms like he\u2019s holding on for his dear life. A hardness is scorching the side of his leg, and Jongwoon forgets how to think.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Halfway through the month, they notice some carolers in the mall, singing Korean Christmas songs. Jongwoon hums along with them as they walk, and Kyuhyun looks to him amusedly.<\/p>\n \u201cWe should start our own caroling group,\u201d he says to him.<\/p>\n \u201cWe should,\u201d Jongwoon agrees, a grin sneaking up on his face. \u201cBut who would be in it? You, me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt can just be us! It can be a two-man group,\u201d says Kyuhyun eagerly. \u201cTwo men who used to be idols and were in a band, but still.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTwo men who are together,\u201d Jongwoon mutters under his breath, but Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t seem to have noticed.<\/p>\n \u201cWe would be the best carolers ever, don\u2019t you think?\u201d Kyuhyun\u2019s saying while they walk along the tiled floors. \u201cEveryone would be bowing down to our singing superiority.\u201d He puffs his chest out, and Jongwoon hits him in the stomach.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t get too full of yourself,\u201d Jongwoon says, laughing.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not.\u201d Kyuhyun grins. \u201cI\u2019m bragging about the both<\/em> of us.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Biting, kissing, licking\u2014the inside of Jongwoon\u2019s mouth feels sore, but when Kyuhyun moves his lips to the side of his neck, Jongwoon finds that he can\u2019t seem to get enough.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun<\/em>,\u201d he rasps, and feels the tremor along Kyuhyun\u2019s lips.<\/p>\n \u201cYour lips look all bruised, Jongwoon,\u201d Kyuhyun says, looking back and eyeing him. Jongwoon glares at him, but Kyuhyun just chuckles again. He makes his way to bury his head in the crook of his neck, tongue darting out to lick the sensitive skin.<\/p>\n \u201cYou taste like sweat,\u201d Kyuhyun says absentmindedly. \u201cSweat and mint. Did you spill toothpaste on yourself again?\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon scoffs slightly, but it quickly turns into a whimper when Kyuhyun\u2019s mouth starts sucking.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n When the holiday comes (after they\u2019ve gotten the tree, after they\u2019ve gotten the decorations, after they\u2019ve bought (and not baked) a pie and have put candles all around the apartment), they exchange Happy Christmas<\/em>es and gifts, and then sit with each other in the living room. Jongwoon sort of feels like this would be so much better if they had a fireplace\u2014but no, this is good enough. This is perfect.<\/p>\n Jongwoon looks up from resting his head on Kyuhyun\u2019s lap, and runs his fingers through his own hair. \u201cI feel like this is the first Christmas we\u2019ve actually spent together,\u201d he says quietly.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun chuckles. \u201cThat\u2019s because last year I was away, the year before that you had to run out on an errand, and a year before that<\/em> we didn\u2019t really talk much.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe didn\u2019t.\u201d Jongwoon mulls over the fact. \u201cSo\u2026 this actually is<\/em> the first Christmas we\u2019re spending together.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI suppose it is,\u201d Kyuhyun says with a small smile.<\/p>\n Jongwoon plays with the pillow in his hands and stares out to the darkening window. The stars look like diamonds, and the sky looks like a blanket, covering up this entire city.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n There\u2019s a pair of hands underneath the waistband of his jeans; a second later, the jeans are at a pool by his ankles and Kyuhyun\u2019s fingers are working their way behind him. A smirk presses against Jongwoon\u2019s lips. \u201cNo underwear?\u201d Kyuhyun breathes.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2026 forgot,\u201d Jongwoon gasps, feeling the lubricated fingers pressing against the side of his hole. He squeezes his eyes shut and kisses back as fiercely as he can while Kyuhyun works against him.<\/p>\n \u201cPity,\u201d Kyuhyun says in a non-pitying voice, and Jongwoon reminds himself to lock his legs in place before he nearly collapses against the wall.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n By the time it\u2019s New Year\u2019s, Jongwoon has already gone through five boxes of turtle feed because Ddangkoma, Ddangkomaeng and Ddangkoming have been whining (or, rather, tapping their noses on the glass in a very annoying manner) all winter for more and more food. Once it\u2019s January second, Kyuhyun can\u2019t take it anymore and tugs Jongwoon out of his room where Jongwoon had been trying to dump the last of the turtle feed.<\/p>\n \u201cWe need to get your stupid turtles to be quiet,\u201d he says to him.<\/p>\n Jongwoon sighs. \u201cI know, but they\u2019re eating their food like mad and there\u2019s nothing I can do about it! See?\u201d He points to the small empty boxes in his bedroom trashcan.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, Jongwoon, I do see,\u201d Kyuhyun says, slightly irritated. \u201cSo we should try to actually do<\/em> something about it, rather than giving your pets food that they\u2019ll never be satisfied with.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut\u2014\u201d Jongwoon sighs. \u201cWhat are we supposed to do then?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have no idea.\u201d Kyuhyun glances to the glass tank in the corner. \u201cHonestly, I\u2019m surprised they haven\u2019t died yet. It\u2019s been, what, eight years since you got them?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMore, I think,\u201d says Jongwoon. \u201cAnd they\u2019re turtles<\/em>, of course they haven\u2019t died yet! Why would you say anything like that?\u201d<\/p>\n Kyuhyun shrugs. \u201cJust saying.\u201d He looks to the turtles again, who are now pawing at the glass (if possible). \u201cYou know\u2026 maybe we can just take them out of your room. And let them starve.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re not going to let them starve,\u201d Jongwoon says sternly, going back inside, \u201cthough taking them out would be a good idea. So at least they don\u2019t bother us.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The underside of Kyuhyun\u2019s mouth is dry, even though his tongue is probing near Jongwoon\u2019s entrance. Jongwoon groans, stifling a cry\u2014the neighbors wouldn\u2019t appreciate hear him screaming.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun firmly grips his legs, and then draws back, saying, \u201cYou\u2019re rather eager, aren\u2019t you?\u201d His tone is teasing, but a feeling of emptiness brushes against Jongwoon.<\/p>\n \u201cGo<\/em>,\u201d he almost pleads, pushing at the backs of Kyuhyun\u2019s elbows to force him forward. Kyuhyun obeys, and his tongue flicks along Jongwoon\u2019s hole once again.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The least of Jongwoon\u2019s worries, when he goes back to work, is that his style in singing, style in song writing, style in everything<\/em> hasn\u2019t changed at all even though he\u2019s so sure it should<\/em>. (Mostly because he should know what love is by now, or at least a little hint; after all, having Kyuhyun should at least give him a tiny idea.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s the least of his worries so he never dwells on it for too long.)<\/p>\n The biggest part of his worries, however, is that his manager says that he wants him to go overseas, or at least to other parts of Asia for him to do work when Jongwoon really just wants to stay in South Korea, in Seoul, in his little apartment with Kyuhyun.<\/p>\n \u201cBut think about it, Jongwoon,\u201d his manager says. \u201cYou\u2019ll be more famous! You\u2019ll spread your music to a larger population of people, you\u2019ll get more fans, and more people will want to buy your album!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut I don\u2019t\u2014That\u2019s not really what\u2019s important to me!\u201d Jongwoon protests. \u201cI like staying here, I like being in Seoul, I don\u2019t want to leave\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t you think it\u2019d be a good idea to explore the world, though? See new things all by yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to,\u201d Jongwoon says stubbornly.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Hands shaking, eyes dawdling, Jongwoon looks down at Kyuhyun\u2019s body, and his waiting erection pressing against the suddenly annoying fabric of his jeans.<\/p>\n \u201cHurry up,\u201d Kyuhyun hisses.<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s hand slowly slides in, cold palm meeting against Kyuhyun\u2019s warm thigh. His hand wanders around, amazed at the space between Kyuhyun\u2019s legs, and his fingers touch everywhere around him except for his throbbing cock.<\/p>\n \u201cJongwoon<\/em>,\u201d Kyuhyun moans.<\/p>\n Dubiously, Jongwoon fastens his fingers around him; but when Kyuhyun\u2019s breathing turns rapid, shallow, he strokes harder and faster, confidence running through his veins.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n They get their hair cut a few days later (together, like always) and then go out to a restaurant for lunch. It\u2019s some place that apparently Kyuhyun really likes, some place that Jongwoon has never been to before, but he trusts Kyuhyun\u2019s judgment. Well, sort of. Enough to at least put his stomach on the line.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat I don\u2019t understand,\u201d Kyuhyun says as he sips some of his tea, \u201cis Chinese.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon looks at him. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cChinese, you know? The language.\u201d Kyuhyun looks at Jongwoon pointedly. \u201cIt was mostly why when we\u2014when we were in China, Zhou Mi always translated so much for me. Though sometimes I think he gave me the wrong translations.\u201d He chuckles.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd back here we thought you guys were just doing fanservice,\u201d Jongwoon says amusedly, picking up a piece of radish with his chopsticks.<\/p>\n \u201cWell we were.\u201d Kyuhyun shrugs. \u201cYou know how it is. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s primarily why Super Junior M albums were so popular\u2014but the fanservice definitely contributed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m glad those days are over,\u201d Jongwoon says, and hides a small smile when Kyuhyun says, \u201cI\u2019m glad they are too.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The afterwards is the worst, though sometimes Jongwoon thinks they\u2019re the best. The excitement is gone and the euphoria has faded, and they fall into nothing but a still silence, sometimes a deep sleep. He runs a hand over himself and sometimes wonders why Kyuhyun had said yes.<\/p>\n (Of course he had never actually said yes\u2014but it had been implied, hadn\u2019t it?)<\/p>\n He can feel Kyuhyun\u2019s breathing, can feel Kyuhyun\u2019s body pressed firmly against his. Jongwoon curls up in his arms and closes his eyes, waiting for sleep to come over him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n It\u2019s nice to know that when you screw things over, you can always repair them, you can always repair the relationship, even if you can\u2019t repair the problem.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a thing Jongwoon often reflects on in life, and sometimes he tries to remember all the fights he\u2019s had with Kyuhyun and wonders why they still manage to live together.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople are completely different,\u201d he says to Kyuhyun, \u201cwhen you\u2019re living with them, you know? It\u2019s like a whole other side that the public doesn\u2019t see.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, but.\u201d Kyuhyun shoots Jongwoon a tiny, amused look. \u201cWe\u2019ve technically been living with each other for more than a decade now.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI suppose.\u201d Jongwoon shifts from side to side. \u201cIt\u2019s just not to same. There\u2019s so much more to tolerate\u2026 so much more to get used to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAre you saying that you can\u2019t tolerate or get used to me anymore?\u201d Kyuhyun\u2019s tone remains teasing.<\/p>\n Jongwoon manages to lift his lips up, a little. \u201cYou\u2019re still with me, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon shivers as Kyuhyun\u2019s hands slowly make their way up his shirt, rubbing against the fabric and feeling every inch of his body. Jongwoon feels like he should feel exposed, opened up\u2014but he doesn\u2019t. (Does that mean that there\u2019s something wrong?)<\/p>\n Kyuhyun happens to notice the hesitancy in his movement, because he stops suddenly and looks Jongwoon in the eye. \u201cIs there something wrong?\u201d he asks, and the worry in his gaze is real, sincere. This is what Jongwoon tells himself as he finds himself nodding in response to Kyuhyun\u2019s question.<\/p>\n \u201cYes. Sorry. Just a bit distracted,\u201d he says, and then kisses Kyuhyun lazily. When they pull back, Kyuhyun still looks a bit unsure\u2014but Jongwoon urges him to go on, and shudders at the feel of Kyuhyun\u2019s cold hands.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n \u201cHappy birthday!\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon runs into the room with a brightly wrapped birthday present. Kyuhyun laughs as he takes it, and doesn\u2019t pay attention to Jongwoon until a cake is promptly shoved in his face.<\/p>\n \u201cHey!\u201d Kyuhyun looks up and wipes the cream from his eyelashes. \u201cJongwoon!\u201d He laughs, though, still attempting to get more of the cake off.<\/p>\n \u201cOnly revenge for what you did to me for my<\/em> birthday,\u201d Jongwoon says, smirking. Then as Kyuhyun starts to open up his gift, he suddenly says, \u201cHey, hey, wait, don\u2019t rip that\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n The wrapping paper gives way; the envelope in the back rips. Kyuhyun flips it over to see a small card peeking through the tear.<\/p>\n \u201cWhoops,\u201d he says. And when he turns to see the crestfallen look on Jongwoon\u2019s face, he just chuckles. \u201cOh, don\u2019t be sad hyung. It\u2019s something tape can always fix. Don\u2019t worry about it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBut\u2014\u201d Jongwoon says helplessly, looking after him as Kyuhyun goes over to a tape roll on the shelf.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun just turns around and puts a piece of tape on the paper. Then he turns to Jongwoon and smiles. \u201cSee? Good as new.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Lips graze against his ear; Jongwoon moans and wonders why such a sensation in the world like that exists. He can feel Kyuhyun chuckle, because Kyuhyun always chuckles\u2014Jongwoon melts once again as he feels teeth on the side of his neck, nipping at his soft skin, and he moans again.<\/p>\n The feeling of all these touches and kisses along his body are different sensations than from when he comes\u2014but they all seem sort of similar, as well. The lust raging in his head, this desire, this need for his satisfaction to be fulfilled, to feel Kyuhyun\u2019s hot mouth, to have the heat inside of him\u2014and his muscles clench as he squeezes his eyes shut and he nearly blacks out.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun is warm and thick inside of him, and Jongwoon knows no other feeling in the world.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon doesn\u2019t look up when he enters the apartment; he doesn\u2019t have anything to look up at, anyways. But when he finally casts his gaze around and realizes he isn\u2019t being greeted by a nod of the head, or the briefest of hellos, he catches sight of Kyuhyun sitting at the dining table, staring at something in his hand.<\/p>\n \u201cKyuhyun?\u201d he says tentatively. Kyuhyun seems to be intent on whatever\u2019s sitting in his palm.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun jerks his head up to look at Jongwoon. The smile that drifts across his face doesn\u2019t meet his eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cHi, hyung,\u201d he says in an oddly clipped tone. \u201cI didn\u2019t hear you come in.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI realized,\u201d Jongwoon says, trying for some humor. But Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t even crack another smile. Instead, he just gets up and leaves the table, his mind evidently elsewhere.<\/p>\n Jongwoon stares after him, before realizing that the other man had left something on the table. The thing he had been staring at. Curious, Jongwoon walks over and flips it over to the front, although the moment his fingers reach the paper he suddenly realizes what it is.<\/p>\n He sees his face on the front of his own photo album looking back at him.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n It\u2019s always in the dark, and Jongwoon doesn\u2019t know if he likes it better this way or wants something else. But he never says anything, because they\u2019re only alive at night, and the day feels like a grueling, waiting task.<\/p>\n The two pairs of underwear lying on the floor off the bed are laundry-fresh clean; but there\u2019s no need for them, for the two men on the bed. Jongwoon can\u2019t help but think what would people think of him if he told them, if he told his manager, his parents. He can\u2019t help but wonder what Super Junior would think if they knew anything of this.<\/p>\n \u201cHappy Valentine\u2019s Day,\u201d Kyuhyun says absently before putting Jongwoon into his mouth. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t think anymore.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n \u201cHello?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHi Kyuhyun,\u201d Jongwoon says, playing with the pencil in his hand. \u201cYou still at work?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhere else would I be?\u201d comes Kyuhyun\u2019s amused voice.<\/p>\n \u201cWell I was thinking.\u201d Jongwoon ingrains the eraser end of his pencil into the table. \u201cWe should have lunch. Sometime. Today. And I want to see your workplace.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDo you?\u201d Kyuhyun sounds surprised.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah\u2026 I do,\u201d Jongwoon replies absentmindedly. \u201cWould you mind?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNot at all,\u201d Kyuhyun says cheerfully.<\/p>\n After being given the address of Kyuhyun\u2019s workplace, Jongwoon quickly hangs up and tells his manager and everyone else in the studio that he\u2019s going to go out for lunch. They all seem surprised; Jongwoon doesn\u2019t regularly mention where he\u2019s going, or when in particular, he just usually leaves. But Jongwoon doesn\u2019t dwell on this thought for too long, as he grabs his bag and then leaves.<\/p>\n The late February air slowly dwindles down behind him as he makes his way along the streets. It isn\u2019t long before he\u2019s on the street where Kyuhyun\u2019s supposed recording studio is, and he\u2019s looking along at the numbers, trying to find the right building.<\/p>\n \u201cFour ninety-six\u2026 four ninety-seven\u2026 four ninety\u2014ah.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon stops in front of the building, not sure if he should go in. It looks oddly empty, like space is being cleared out\u2014surely Kyuhyun\u2019s recording studio isn\u2019t here? But then he sees the shadow of the familiar man in an inner room, and decides that it is.<\/p>\n He takes a few cautious steps coming inside, and Kyuhyun looks up only when he\u2019s a few feet away from him. \u201cHi Jongwoon,\u201d he says brightly, breaking out into a smile. \u201cYou\u2019d want to put the package over there,\u201d he adds to a man in the corner.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d asks Jongwoon, looking around. \u201cIs it being refurbished?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, don\u2019t worry about it.\u201d Kyuhyun waves his question aside and brings his hand down, brushing it against Jongwoon\u2019s slightly. \u201cYou said we\u2019re going to get something to eat? I feel like Thai today.\u201d<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Watching Kyuhyun blush certainly is a sight. Jongwoon hadn\u2019t expected the words to fall from his lips\u2014\u201cYou look amazing<\/em>\u201d\u2014but then suddenly Kyuhyun is blushing ten shades of red and Jongwoon finds it difficult to look away.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a bit different, you know, fucking in the dark.<\/p>\n Jongwoon watches as Kyuhyun\u2019s head goes down on his body, and his eyes rake over the skin peeking out from under his shirt. \u201cYou don\u2019t look so bad yourself,\u201d Kyuhyun tries to retort, fumbling with Jongwoon\u2019s fly.<\/p>\n Jongwoon lets out a laugh that sends a shudder down his whole body, and it\u2019s only when Kyuhyun\u2019s full mouth is enclosed around his cock does he stop.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019re running out of food,\u201d Jongwoon announces when he opens up the refrigerator and is met by empty shelves and empty drawers.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun, from the family room, is eating the last of the bread crumbs from a paper bag. He glances to Jongwoon. \u201cReally? I hadn\u2019t noticed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell then why don\u2019t we go grocery shopping?\u201d says Jongwoon.<\/p>\n \u201cYou<\/em> can go grocery shopping.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d says Jongwoon, and he marches over to the living room and starts tugging Kyuhyun up and away from his computer. \u201cYou\u2026 are\u2026 getting\u2026 your\u2026 lazy ass\u2026 off the couch\u2026 and coming\u2026 with me\u2026\u201d He attempts to drag him away.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun looks down at Jongwoon, amused. \u201cIs this your attempt to force me into getting what you want me to do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYes it is!\u201d Jongwoon says defiantly, letting his arm fall down and looking Kyuhyun in the eye. \u201cYou\u2019re not just going to sit there\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, I\u2019m coming.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2014playing your video games every day, doing nothing to get outside aside from going to work, and\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cJongwoon, I said I\u2019ll go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201c\u2014I\u2019m always the one forced to get the mail\u2014eh?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI said, I\u2019m coming,\u201d Kyuhyun says with a laugh, and then begins to tug Jongwoon away. \u201cReally, it\u2019s a surprise that you can get on without me.\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon grumbles, but follows him out the apartment door.<\/p>\n (Eventually they get too lazy to walk all the way to the grocery store and pick out food, and end up eating at a restaurant along the way. Which is all right, Jongwoon thinks; he can get the groceries alone tomorrow.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon feels like he shouldn\u2019t look when Kyuhyun pulls out his cock, but he looks anyways and his mouth waters at the sight. Kyuhyun adjusts himself on the bed and then aligns his length with Jongwoon\u2019s; the brief touch of the sensitive skin has Jongwoon hissing in anticipation.<\/p>\n \u201cSorry,\u201d murmurs Kyuhyun, leaning up to nibble on the shell of Jongwoon\u2019s ear as their slick cocks rub together. Jongwoon moans into Kyuhyun\u2019s shoulder as Kyuhyun moves, grinding, rolling his hips on top of Jongwoon\u2019s.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you sorry for?\u201d Jongwoon manages out, struggling to keep his voice steady. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t be sorry for\u2014ah\u2014this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cProbably not,\u201d Kyuhyun chuckles, but his touch is light and a bit delicate and this knowledge sends Jongwoon coming all too soon.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon\u2019s head is hanging off to the side as he stares the paper in front of him. Beside him, Kyuhyun is still focused on his computer, although he\u2019s typing frantically instead of staring blankly like he usually does.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d Jongwoon asks tiredly, moving so that he can see a fraction of Kyuhyun\u2019s computer screen.<\/p>\n \u201cWriting,\u201d Kyuhyun answers. \u201cA song,\u201d he adds as a response to Jongwoon\u2019s questioning gaze.<\/p>\n \u201cBut.\u201d Jongwoon shakes the fringe of hair out of his face and looks at Kyuhyun, clearer. \u201cI thought you didn\u2019t write your own songs.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t,\u201d Kyuhyun answers. \u201cBut I just felt the inspiration, you know?\u201d His eyes gleam as he returns to his computer.<\/p>\n They sit in the silence for a little bit longer. Finally, Kyuhyun yawns and pushes his computer aside, bringing his arms above his head and stretching. Jongwoon can\u2019t help but notice the biceps beneath his thin long shirt. Then Kyuhyun turns to Jongwoon and says, \u201cShall we go to bed then?\u201d<\/p>\n All sense of fatigue suddenly leaves Jongwoon. He gets up, eyes wide and alert, and sticks his hand out to Kyuhyun. \u201cYeah,\u201d he says, and then adds, \u201cI\u2019m tired,\u201d even though they both know he\u2019s not.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun chuckles and, taking his hand, leads them away into the bedroom, closing the door and shutting off the lights.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s mouth is on his collarbone and his hands are on his shoulders and he\u2019s holding him like he has nothing else to hold onto, even though Jongwoon knows that there are more things out there, out there for Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun\u2019s hands dip inside his pants and they fumble with him and it takes all of Jongwoon not to come right then and there, at the feeling of Kyuhyun\u2019s hot hands touching him, at the feeling of Kyuhyun\u2019s wet mouth working and licking and sucking his skin.<\/p>\n Pants and shirts come undone and even though they know they should be exhausted, they\u2019re not because Kyuhyun\u2019s dark eyes glint in the darkness, blacker than ever with pupils dilated even though Jongwoon can hardly distinguish anything himself. But he knows Kyuhyun\u2019s there and Kyuhyun\u2019s taking him all in\u2014but they\u2019re both thinking, Not yet<\/em> because they\u2019re not done yet and Kyuhyun likes to tease, he really does. Jongwoon grits his teeth and tightens his hands on Kyuhyun\u2019s shoulders, trying to urge him, urge him downwards.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t, though; he tosses off the last of their underwear with a lazy flick, and then pulls out their third bottle of lubricant (almost out) and gets himself ready. He adds a little extra on his fingers, too, and then suddenly he\u2019s inside Jongwoon and Jongwoon is twisting and writhing in delicious pain as Kyuhyun spreads him, as if Kyuhyun hasn\u2019t spread him enough already, as if he\u2019s not used to this sensation at all. Moments pass and Jongwoon has resorted to fumbling with the comforter as Kyuhyun opens him up, and then Kyuhyun takes himself out and Jongwoon kind of misses it\u2014and then he<\/em> comes in and Jongwoon blacks out for a second, just a second.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun rocks back and forth and watches Jongwoon\u2019s face as Jongwoon soaks up the delectable heat, the heat of Kyuhyun in him and thrusting into him and he\u2019s so used to this feeling but not really<\/em>. Kyuhyun moves back and forth, and Jongwoon lets out little incoherent cries because he can\u2019t hear or see anything except for his heart pounding in his ears and little white spots beneath his eyelids. Kyuhyun continues fucking him until Jongwoon can\u2019t take it anymore, and he comes without having Kyuhyun really touching him and then suddenly Kyuhyun\u2019s coming as well, just as Kyuhyun is watching him, just as Kyuhyun is staring at him with those half-lidded eyes and swollen lips and Jongwoon knows nothing except for the two of them, and the darkness enveloping their bodies into the night.<\/p>\n \u201cI love you,\u201d he murmurs when Kyuhyun\u2019s finally pulled out and on the side, and they\u2019re tangled in the sheets, waiting for sleep to come.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun says nothing.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The next day, Kyuhyun is gone.<\/p>\n There is no note, and when Jongwoon comes into the apartment after work, he notices that it is significantly more empty. There is no second laptop. The bookshelf looks smaller. A few decorations have been taken off the shelves, decorations Jongwoon had never bought, or put there in the first place.<\/p>\n Some bowls from the kitchen are gone, half the mail is on the kitchen table, and when Jongwoon goes into his room, he sees that a few things are missing. A few things that had been left there from forgotten nights and lazy mornings, like wisps of steam from coffee cups, tantalizing and fading away. Jongwoon goes into the hallway, looking for something\u2014but he knows it won\u2019t be there.<\/p>\n Kyuhyun\u2019s room is empty. The only things that are there are the shelf and the bed, which is neatly made. There are no clothes. There are no books. There are no instruments or little trinkets, no cell phone or notebooks, no pencils or sheets of music strewn across the floor. There are no glasses or photos or wallets. And when Jongwoon looks in the bathroom, there\u2019s only one toothbrush, one cup, one shaver and one bottle of shaving cream. And when he opens the cabinet, one tube of unopened toothpaste is gone.<\/p>\n He should have expected it. He really should have. Jongwoon walks back into the living room, and sits.<\/p>\n The couch feels much too big.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (He knows what he\u2019s done wrong.<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t warranted and he couldn\u2019t do that to Kyuhyun, no, not yet. Even though he\u2019s always liked it, always liked the way they touched and kissed and hugged and knew, the way they just managed to fit into each other, somehow. Even though they\u2019ve always been like this. Even though they\u2019re together.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (Not anymore.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n It\u2019s a shock, Jongwoon will be the first to admit. All the habits of sharing are gone. All the memories still linger, even though the life doesn\u2019t. All the schedules he\u2019s been used to for the past year and almost a half are completely altered, forcing him to get used to living like this. By himself.<\/p>\n Jongwoon can deal with living by himself, but he\u2019ll be damned if he doesn\u2019t need it.<\/p>\n He\u2019s cold for the first nights. Quiet. But he\u2019s not completely out of place, because it\u2019s like he\u2019s already used to this; like his body has been preparing himself for this moment. Like his mind has been preparing himself for this moment. But there\u2019s an empty, aching hole in his chest, like one part of him had been left out in the dark, not ready for this at all. Not ready for this onslaught of emotions.<\/p>\n Not ready for any of this.<\/p>\n He pretends. That it\u2019s always been like this. That nothing has been taken away from him. That he hadn\u2019t been expecting too much. That this is life as how it is, how it has been.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n And then he just gives up.<\/p>\n \u201cThis is horrible,\u201d Jongwoon mutters, staring at the document on the computer screen and raking his fingers through his hair (it\u2019s gotten thicker as he\u2019s gotten quieter.) His song is fine, but it\u2019s also all wrong and it\u2019s just not right, even though his manager comes over and a funny look passes over his face.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat? I think this is a great song, Jongwoon. Your best song yet,\u201d his manager encourages. His manager never lies. Jongwoon wonders if he\u2019s taken on a new hobby.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not,\u201d says Jongwoon.<\/p>\n \u201cWell it\u2019s no matter. I\u2019m sure you\u2019ll make it more perfect soon enough,\u201d says his manager. \u201cAlso, are you sure you won\u2019t reconsider that singing tour? Of course, you\u2019ll be moving around a lot, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Jongwoon tunes him out. For once in his life, he doesn\u2019t know anything.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n The Christmas tree is still in the living room. Jongwoon feels like he should take it down, since it isn\u2019t even close to the winter anymore, but he can\u2019t. He doesn\u2019t know where he should put it.<\/p>\n It sits there every day, staring at him, mocking him. Eventually Jongwoon trains his gaze to look everywhere at the Christmas tree, the pure reminder of what had been.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Spring passes much too quickly, and then it\u2019s summer again. And summer doesn\u2019t really feel like summer, because the sun is bright and hot and beating down on Jongwoon\u2019s neck and all Jongwoon can think about is how it seems so fake because nothing can be this bright, nothing can ever be this bright.<\/p>\n Summer means that Jongwoon gets more breaks than usual, but he wants to work harder than ever. He comes in on one of the days he\u2019s supposed to have off and the janitor looks at him oddly, looks at him like he\u2019s something wrong and maybe Jongwoon is<\/em> something wrong. But Jongwoon stays there and he writes songs in the empty building and he leaves at five in the afternoon, as always. (For a moment he thinks of what he\u2019s going to cook for dinner and is worried that they don\u2019t have enough bean sprouts\u2014then he remembers there\u2019s not a they but a he<\/em> and he\u2019ll have much more bean sprouts than he\u2019ll need.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n What do people usually do in the summer? They go to the beach, except they usually go to the beach with someone else. Jongwoon thinks for a moment that he hasn\u2019t been to the beach in ages, since probably some years back when he had visited his family for vacation\u2014and then he remembers that he had gone down to the beach with Kyuhyun last year and so he just stops thinking and continues working.<\/p>\n He buys another laptop because his old one is getting, well, old<\/em> (and he is too), with some of the money he had made over the last month. (He and Kyuhyun had barely discussed their salaries, and Jongwoon feels like it\u2019s something lovers (lovers<\/em>?) should have discussed.) His new laptop is faster. More high-tech. Jongwoon is satisfied with his purchase.<\/p>\n Soon enough he stops thinking about Kyuhyun so much because of work and because of everything else in life (and he\u2019s paying the rent now, so why should he waste his mind on someone who isn\u2019t helping him pay for the apartment?). But he doesn\u2019t forget.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon cooks dinner for himself as soon as he gets home. There are some leftover peas, so he microwaves those, and he cooks enough stir fry and beef to last him for the rest of the week. Which is sort of an amazing feat, considering how exhausted he is.<\/p>\n As soon as he finishes eating, he flops onto the couch and sprawls all over it. His eyes briefly flit to the second chair at the small dining table; but his mind makes no remark on the matter. He grabs one of the magazines on the coffee table and ignores the fact that it used to be much fuller, only mere months before. His fingers rifle through the faces and his eyes rake over unattractive men, because everyone is unattractive to him.<\/p>\n He falls asleep at eight in the afternoon and wakes up at three in the morning. He doesn\u2019t go back to sleep. In fact, he just sits there and waits for the sun to come up, because he knows it will sooner or later.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n He grabs the newspaper again, like he always does, from one of the boxes on the side of the street. They\u2019re a bit funny, like they expect you to be interested, for you to reach in and grab one because you want to keep up with the news. When they don\u2019t know that on the outside, no one really cares.<\/p>\n Jongwoon cares as he reads the headlines with a breakfast cake in his hands. The economy. Politics. Murder. Scandals. It\u2019s all the same, just different. With different people, different endings. Still the same. Jongwoon quickly tosses the newspaper into a nearby trashcan, and heads to work.<\/p>\n \u201cJongwoon!\u201d his manager says brightly as soon as he steps into the building. \u201cI know you\u2019ve been saying no for the past\u2014what, year?\u2014but I think it would be really good for your career if you branch out. Go for different direction, see new things. You seemed pretty insistent the last time I asked, but traveling isn\u2019t just good for sales, it\u2019s also good to get new fans and a new audience, for them to see\u2014and look, more publicity! And all right, I suppose in the end, that\u2019s still for new fans, but think about it<\/em> Jongwoon, won\u2019t that be great if\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI get it, I\u2019ll do it,\u201d says Jongwoon, putting his hand up to quiet his manager.<\/p>\n His manager keeps rattling off the advertisements. \u201c\u2014you gain more fans? Then the sales will definitely go through the roof! Internationality is everything in business, even though you\u2019ve got plenty of fans already here thanks to your old band; and you\u2019ve got a fantastic voice, too, though I\u2019m sure you know that already\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSunbae, sunbae, I said I\u2019ll do it. So you can stop talking,\u201d Jongwoon chuckles, looking at his manager slightly exasperatedly.<\/p>\n \u201cOh.\u201d His manager seems surprised. \u201cThat\u2019s great then. All right. You\u2019ll do it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll do it,\u201d Jongwoon confirms. He doesn\u2019t have anything to hold him back anymore.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon gets the mail because he\u2019s the only person to get the mail. He goes through the envelopes. It\u2019s the same old thing with the taxes and the money (he still has to sort a few things out with the landlord), and then a few magazines and advertisements. Jongwoon saves a few coupons in case he wants to go out and doesn\u2019t have any extra money to spend, which is a lot more likely than before.<\/p>\n He\u2019s about to leave the rest of the mail on the table, and then changes his mind and throws the rest of it away. It\u2019s all extra. So much in his life is extra. The mail is pretty much extra, as well, but Jongwoon has a schedule to keep; he still has to get it these days. He\u2019s always gotten it these days. It\u2019s one of the things that has remained constant.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n On one of the days when Jongwoon feels a little bit stronger, he goes into Kyuhyun\u2019s old room. It\u2019s the same as Kyuhyun had left it, as he had left it: dark and empty. He\u2019s only come in because he\u2019s left his cell phone lying around somewhere, and he\u2019s searched the rest of the apartment high and low. This is the only place he hasn\u2019t checked. (Of course he doesn\u2019t expect it to be here\u2014but it wouldn\u2019t hurt to look, would it?)<\/p>\n He looks on the bed and at the bedside, but of course his phone isn\u2019t there. He goes to the corner between the wall and the shelf\u2014for some reason, this place seems a bit familiar. He remembers where from: that Christmas, ages ago, when he had been home all alone and put a Christmas present here for Kyuhyun because Kyuhyun wasn\u2019t here. In the back of his mind, he regrets not asking Kyuhyun about it. In the front of his mind, he is still searching for his cell phone.<\/p>\n When he finds his cell phone about an hour later (it had been in his bag all along), he briefly considers going back into Kyuhyun\u2019s room to see if the present he had put is still there. But he knows it\u2019s not because when he had looked, it had been empty. And in the back of Jongwoon\u2019s mind, again, he regrets not asking Kyuhyun about his reaction.<\/p>\n He fumbles with his cell phone and calls his manager about when they\u2019re going to leave Seoul, the same way Kyuhyun has left his mind.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Jongwoon comes home at nine at night on a Thursday in the middle of June. He\u2019d spent the past few hours at work, talking and recording and discussing and planning, and time had flown by without him knowing it\u2014time seems to do that nowadays, doesn\u2019t it? Hunger had escaped him during the day, but now his stomach is growling and he feels like he could eat everything in this whole apartment. If only he could stomach it.<\/p>\n He grabs a piece of toast from the counter and hopes that it satisfies most of his hunger pains. He walks around the apartment, trying to find something to do with the adrenaline still running through him. Jongwoon rearranges some things, finds other parts of things in the apartment to adjust; he\u2019s always been a neat person and now everything feels more organized than ever. He dawdles around in front of the television set before realizing that he hasn\u2019t turned it on in ages, hasn\u2019t appreciated any other form of entertainment for a long time. And perhaps he never will.<\/p>\n Jongwoon spends too much time in the living room and not enough time in other parts of the apartment. One of the rooms remains untouched, almost empty. To Jongwoon, it is.<\/p>\n Instead, he goes to the bathroom.<\/p>\n He takes the time to observe the surroundings; the bathroom ceiling has<\/em> always been ugly. A nasty knot twists in Jongwoon\u2019s stomach. He looks to the shower\u2014the shower that might as well be stained with everything he\u2019s done, the shower in which half the water running hadn\u2019t been for him. The knot tightens, and he promptly exits the bathroom.<\/p>\n He goes into his bathroom, intending to call it a day and go to sleep as soon as he can, even though he knows it\u2019ll be hours until he finally drifts into the arms of slumber. One of his turtles is poking the glass walls of its tank. Ddangkomaeng.<\/p>\n \u201cShut up,\u201d he murmurs, hitting the wall back with the knuckle of his forefinger.<\/p>\n Ddangkomaeng tilts his head and looks at him, but doesn\u2019t say anything. Because it can\u2019t. It\u2019s a turtle. And turtles can\u2019t talk to people.<\/p>\n Jongwoon suddenly feels very alone.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Early in the morning on Saturday, Jongwoon awakes, not feeling up for a day of rest. Work clears thoughts out of his mind. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t want to think. It\u2019s never been his strong point.<\/p>\n He lies in bed for a while, staring at the white ceiling, almost hoping, imagining that the ceiling is staring back. When he finally decides that he\u2019s being stupid and petulant, not wanting to do anything but nothing all day (and isn\u2019t that an oxymoron, he thinks sardonically), he gets up out of his bed and shuffles into the kitchen still clad in his dark plaid pajama buttons. The floor is polished, cold.<\/p>\n He goes out of the apartment for a moment to grab the mail. He notices a letter not addressed to him, and in the back of his mind, tells himself to later pen a carefully worded letter on how Kyuhyun doesn\u2019t live here anymore. He sets the envelope aside on the counter and rifles through the rest of the mail.<\/p>\n It\u2019s been four months, but it feels so much shorter.<\/p>\n So much longer.<\/p>\n But then again, Jongwoon sighs and stares up at the ceiling thoughtfully. It\u2019s been monotonous. Boring. Every day is the same now. Every single day. Jongwoon feels like he should be grateful, grateful of little excitement, grateful of no restlessness, grateful of peace. But he\u2019s not at peace.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n (When the tide comes in, Jongwoon thinks for a moment, this is it!<\/em>\u2014and then the water turns to dust and flickers onto the sand, and there\u2019s nothing between Jongwoon\u2019s fingers except for the blue spaces of the sky.)<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n His manager is excited. Jongwoon is not.<\/p>\n \u201cThink about it!\u201d his manager says, pacing the room up and down as everything goes into boxes, cardboard boxes, brown cardboard boxes. The sight stuns Jongwoon for a moment. \u201cYou\u2019ll be performing in new places! Oh, this will be fun, too much fun.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd if they don\u2019t like me?\u201d Jongwoon asks dryly, twiddling the pencil between his fingers. He\u2019s picked up too many habits from too many people, he figures.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not possible.\u201d His manager waves a hand. \u201cAnd if they don\u2019t\u2014think! We can just go somewhere else! Somewhere, people will like you\u2014you\u2019ve got a talent, you know.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d The compliment has been told so many times over so many years that it\u2019s more of a fact, now.<\/p>\n \u201cThough you\u2019ll need a nice place to stay,\u201d says his manager, tapping his chin with his pen. He glances at Jongwoon. \u201cYour new apartment all right?\u201d<\/p>\n Suddenly, Jongwoon would like nothing better than to move out. No memories. No old routine. \u201cIt\u2019s fine, but it could be better,\u201d he says, hoping that his sunbae will pick up on the implication.<\/p>\n And his manager nods. \u201cThen you\u2019ll move! Somewhere small because you probably won\u2019t be staying too much\u2014you\u2019ll probably see a lot of hotels the longer this goes on\u2014but just so that you have a place to go back to, right? Like a home.\u201d He chuckles.<\/p>\n Home. Jongwoon doesn\u2019t know what to make of this. Like a home.<\/em> Even though it\u2019ll be anything but a home.<\/p>\n \u201cSure,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n At one o\u2019clock in the morning, Jongwoon finally snaps and trudges out of his bedroom. He supposes he can do whatever he wants since he\u2019s alone now. He can turn on the lights and do some stress cleaning. He can eat straight from the milk carton. He can sing loudly. He can stomp throughout the apartment, testing the floorboards.<\/p>\n He doesn\u2019t. He goes to the bathroom and leaves the door open.<\/p>\n Jongwoon supposes that he can be sanitary and jack off in the shower, but it\u2019s fucking one in the morning and he really doesn\u2019t care. He\u2019s a bit tired, too, but psychological drive overcomes him and instead he just drops down his pajama buttons and stares at himself in the mirror, before wandering over to the toilet.<\/p>\n He strokes and grips himself and just wants it to be done<\/em>, to be over with so he can get a goodnight\u2019s rest, so he can rest. When he finally, finally comes after what feels like a tremendous amount of effort, he tells himself that he hadn\u2019t been thinking. He hadn\u2019t been thinking about anyone. He hadn\u2019t seen a figure in his mind or a face in the dark, nor heard the familiar breathing patterns of someone he once knew. All it had been was his own hand on his own erection and sexual frustration pouring out of him. That was all it was.<\/p>\n He climbs into bed and closes his eyes. In the morning, he does not feel rested.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n Eventually Jongwoon becomes tired of having the same thing for dinner over and over again, beef and meat and rice and vegetables, because he keeps cooking too much and it turns bland on him. So he decides to go out for dinner, and it\u2019s not like old times because single people go out to restaurants and eat by themselves, right? Jongwoon brings a notebook with his lyrics in it just so that he has something to work on, and his cell phone even though he doubts anyone will call him on a Sunday evening.<\/p>\n He goes to a restaurant and thinks he might recognize the waiter; in fact, he might even recognize the restaurant itself. He doesn\u2019t know. He hadn\u2019t paid any attention to the sign outside. The symbols had just been symbols and all Jongwoon had really cared about was that the restaurant served decent food and he had a wallet in his pocket. He eats the food and thinks that it might taste a bit familiar as well. The waiter tilts his head to the side, almost asking, Weren\u2019t you here with another man one day?<\/em> Jongwoon is tempted to say no, but he knows that he\u2019ll look like a lunatic. So instead he smiles and eats his food and nods, and it\u2019s enough. Apparently.<\/p>\n He\u2019s sure he\u2019s eaten far too little, but Jongwoon is used to these small diets; and after dinner, he goes outside and thinks he might treat himself. Funny, how everything looks so much bigger when you\u2019re alone. The streets seem to stretch on to the end of the universe. Jongwoon walks and walks down the sidewalk until he comes to an ice cream vendor, and thinks that might be familiar as well.<\/p>\n He orders his ice cream and licks it, thinking about why he feels like he\u2019s seen it all before. Felt it all before. Like in a dream, a strange sense of d\u00e9j\u00e0 vu, even though it feels too real. Far too real.<\/p>\n Jongwoon suddenly realizes and stops in the middle of the street. He throws the rest of his half-eaten ice cream cone away into a trashcan on the side. Then he turns and walks back to the apartment, wishing he had somewhere else to go.<\/p>\n **<\/p>\n \u201cWe\u2019ve decided,\u201d announces his manager, tossing a large map onto the table and pointing to somewhere south in South Korea. \u201cYou\u2019ll be staying in Changhung. Living there, that is.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHuh?\u201d Jongwoon sleepily lifts his head up from the cradle of his arms.<\/p>\n His manager sighs. \u201cWhen we leave. II. Butterfly<\/h2>\n
III. Skinny Love<\/h2>\n
IV. First Sight<\/h2>\n