notes on socializing

Hey! You found a secret page :) This contains notes on how I like to socialize, which I generally would prefer for people to discover and experience themselves rather than be informed right off the bat. But since I have been working on myself and tracking my habits for a while now, I know what I'm like and what I prefer. And if you found this page - well, congrats, you get to know these things about me too.

• I am a humanist at heart, which means I will always give anyone an infinite number of chances so as long as they are willing. I strongly believe in not holding the past against people if they want to move forward with me. This is the thing I want to say first and foremost, because while I make mistakes and hurt people and people make mistakes and hurt me, I value much more the ability to forgive and move forward together as long as all parties are actively willing, and I'm always willing.
  • Case in point: I forgave my abuser (my mom) this way; we have an excellent relationship now. A few friends who I initially ended on bad terms with have reached out to me (or I to them) for closure and peace of mind, and we are now friendly again.
• The second significant aspect of my social habits is that, personality-wise, I like pretty much everyone. If I judge from a distance it's usually from the angle of "I don't think this person would like me anyway," so I don't mind having unpleasant thoughts about a stranger who I anticipate would be unpleasant to me. But when it comes to personally interacting, I do my best to give everyone a chance, and I usually can find things I like about even the most unlikable people. This is why I like all types of music, characters, and stories - even if I judge from a first impression, I'm always willing to dive in, find something to like, and have my mind be changed.
  
  HOWEVER, I know this is not a common perspective and I do not expect reciprocation; most of the time, while I can handle all types of people, some people can't handle me, and that's fine! I am incredibly open-minded, maybe to a fault, but I don't expect for anyone to operate the same way. This is just my way of doing things.
  • Case in point: One of my old supervisors was deeply unlikable but I actually enjoyed rapport with her until she tried to get me fired :') (I didn't get fired, but she did, a large part of that being that my other coworkers hated her.) Another old boss of mine was an acquired taste, and he knew, even though a big part of his job was having one-on-one relationships with clients. Part of my job was to help filter out the people who couldn't handle his personality. We enjoyed bantering otherwise.
• I prefer socializing in groups first before moving into the more intimate space of one-on-one conversations. But this is mostly a previous anxiety that has turned into a general preference; I don't mind holding and maintaining a friendship though purely one-on-one communication. (This is the only way Elle and I have talked for the past decade of our friendship.) But group settings usually force me into cordial civility that I don't always have the instinct for in private, so it's more for other people's benefit than just mine.
• I don't mind always reaching out first, but I don't mind if someone is always reaching out to me first too. I don't keep track of these things and I don't care; to me, any annoyance is feeling emotionally inconvenienced in the moment, but in the long run there's nothing inconvenient about having friends.
• I have ADHD, so sometimes I can get fixated on something or other and forget to reply to people, or all of my focus will be on one friend or group of friends so I forget about all my other friends for that period of time. It's never anything personal and I do my best to keep a "better late than never" mentality, but I've always been this way and I don't think this is a habit I can shake. If I take a long time to reply or just forget about your existence for a bit, especially if we've been friends for a while, sorry! My brain is probably socially occupied somewhere else. Feel free to bug me if you'd like a response.
  • Many of my friends have ADHD so I have been on the receiving end of this too, and I don't mind. I don't think poorly of anyone based on time or virtually nothing, only if people have actually said things to treat me poorly.
• I have OCD as well, which means sometimes I will ruminate and think about something a lot and ramble as a way for me to process my thoughts. I do my best to keep this self-contained, but sometimes this comes out in my social media posting and I can come off as really intense. I know this and I don't mind working in public, so to speak, but most of the time these rants don't represent my long-term feelings. Usually once I'm done vocalizing, I don't care half as much as I sound. Alas, like many things, this is a part of who I am.
  • Unless you are really, really weird about hating Taylor Swift. I don't care if people don't want to hear about her or don't like her music, but I've reached a point where the more unreasonable Taylor Swift hate I'm exposed to, the more annoying of a Swiftie I will become to offset the balance.
• I like arguing for fun, because it's exchanging ideas and a logical competition, but I don't take arguing personally. If it turns ad hominem, I will eject myself from the conversation as soon as possible. I don't care what people think of me and I don't mind seeing things differently from others, but I argue to present my perspective and see another's, not to make definitive judgments on other people or myself.
• But I don't argue with friends unless they start or welcome it; almost always, I try to express disagreement in the most diplomatic way I can while validating the difference of perspective. But if I get an argument in return I will happily argue back.
• I don't say shit I don't mean. In other words, I always say what I think needs to be said, and if I don't say something it's because I'm not thinking it or don't find any need in expressing it, especially if it's something I want to get over on my own. I don't play mind games and I don't have patience for anyone who does.
• In the same vein, I don't talk about people behind their backs in a way where I would mind if they discovered what I said about them to someone else. I do my best to be transparent, and I don't secretly hold things against people. I don't want people to guess what I feel or think about them, especially since my own thoughts and feelings are ever-changing and rarely significant enough for me to shit-talk someone for that purpose. If I don't like someone, I won't hide it from them either. But I don't play guessing games with people's feelings, nor my own. I value open and honest communication over anything else.
• I have two personality disorders (one officially diagnosed, one self-diagnosed but my sibling was officially diagnosed with it) but that can be another mystery of this page.

On the fannish progressive internet I like having all sorts of friends, even if we have different interests or ways of engaging in fandom. As long as we can get along as people, I'll always be cheering on my friends' hobbies and interests, and love them and whatever makes them happy, even if I don't relate or understand anything about it.

In conversation, I try to operate with grace as much as I can. I believe that if you are kind to most people, they will do their best to be kind back, and that collaboration in intent is what matters the most. I like making communities around me instead of trying to separate myself from others; I find relationships more valuable than driving people away.

In general, I think I am pretty open-minded and friendly, aware of my flaws and happily accepting of others'. I tolerate everyone but I don't expect everyone to tolerate me. But I'm always happy to have friends in my life, at whatever distance or level of comfort that works for the friendship.

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