Summary:<\/b> I didn’t ask to be haunted, but these kinds of things are hard to control.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Joel was still there when I got home.<\/p>\n
“You’re not leaving?” I said, putting my suitcase down, and Joel said, “Nope.” He grinned, which was familiar but still kind of creepy, considering it was familiar.<\/p>\n
I sighed and crossed my arms and looked him up and down. Joel was sitting on the couch–well he wasn’t actually\u00a0sitting<\/em>, but it definitely looked like it.<\/p>\n “Are you just going to stay with me for the rest of my life?” I asked. “Or are you doing this by choice? ‘Cause you should let me know now, before I call the Catholics.”<\/p>\n “What are the Catholics gonna do about it?” Joel looked amused. “And I’d say for the rest of your life, but you know me, so. It’s by choice.”<\/p>\n “That’s it,” I said. “Get out.”<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Obviously I couldn’t actually kick Joel out, but I could start praying and see his silhouette drift away.<\/p>\n “Wilson! You can’t do this!” he said as wind started inexplicably howling around my living room, even though it was perfectly calm outside. “Wil, you gotta listen to me if–if you pray a ghost away, it gets stuck in limbo!”<\/p>\n I stopped and he caught his breath and said, “Thanks.”<\/p>\n “Only because of\u00a0Inception<\/em>\u00a0so I kind of understand what limbo is, in a heaven-and-hell sense,” I said. “It’d suck.”<\/p>\n “Yeah,” said Joel.<\/p>\n \u201cHow\u2019d you know about the ghost praying thing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI grew up Catholic.\u201d<\/p>\n He’d gone back to sitting on the couch and watching TV, where reruns of\u00a0Friends<\/em>\u00a0were playing.<\/p>\n After a moment, I asked, “How’d it feel?”<\/p>\n Joel snorted. “You know how it felt.”<\/p>\n “I know, but–actually\u00a0dying<\/em>?”<\/p>\n “Can’t say.” Joel shrugged. “It was more of an in-my-mind thing. Once I was conscious again–well, I don’t think it counts as conscious–I was dead. It just happened.”<\/p>\n “Just like that?” I asked.<\/p>\n “Just like that.”<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n A few days passed with Joel just floating around my apartment while I continued on with my daily life, still on hospital leave time. It wasn’t too different from before, because before the accident and when Joel was alive, he’d always come over and lounge around anyways. I started forgetting that I’d ever missed him.<\/p>\n One day when I came from the kitchen after making lunch, he wasn’t watching TV like usual. (I’d turn it on for him every morning.) “Joel?” I called, placing the food on the table.<\/p>\n “In here!” floated his voice, because apparently that was how ghost voices worked.<\/p>\n “In where? I can’t tell anything by the sound of that!” I said.<\/p>\n “Your room!”<\/p>\n I rolled my eyes. Fucking opportunist, going through my things while I wasn’t looking.<\/p>\n He was in my closet, staring at a pile of old porno mags I’d had while I was in college and was too sentimental to throw them away. Joel looked wistful, but said, “You haven’t gotten rid of these yet?”<\/p>\n “You know me,” I chuckled, and then picked one up. I flipped through it. Thank god for the internet.<\/p>\n \u201cCan you even get ghost boners?” I asked him.<\/p>\n Joel shook his head.<\/p>\n “That’s the\u00a0thing<\/em>,” he said. “I’m a ghost, I’m not even remotely–attracted to these, or anything.”<\/p>\n “It’s okay.” I pat his ghostly crotch area, and he gave me a funny look. “Y’don’t need sex, right?”<\/p>\n “Coming from you,” he grumbled, but started drifting toward the doorway.<\/p>\n “Hey,” I said defensively. “I’ll have you know that I haven’t slept with anyone for a month–”<\/p>\n “–what a\u00a0record<\/em>–”<\/p>\n “–since I was discharged from the hospital, okay?”<\/p>\n Joel stopped.<\/p>\n He floated back into the living room and didn’t say anything all afternoon.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n That night, while I struggled to sleep, I saw a shimmer through the wall and entered my room.<\/p>\n “Hey,” I said sleepily. “That’s actually kind of cool-looking.”<\/p>\n Joel perched on my bed. “You know why I’m here, right?” he said. “Like, as a ghost.”<\/p>\n “Some Harry Potter shit, right? You’re too attached to the earth, or something?”<\/p>\n Joel tried to tickle my foot, but obviously it didn’t work. I thought I might’ve felt something, though, but maybe that was just my imagination.<\/p>\n “Yeah, too attached to\u00a0something<\/em>,” he said. “Or someone.” He looked at me again.<\/p>\n I was quiet. Then:<\/p>\n “I miss you too,” I said. “And when the doctors told me that they could wake me up, but not you, I–”<\/p>\n I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. The feeling was back in my stomach, like I was dropping, and I wanted to throw up. I didn’t though; I shoved it down, like always.<\/p>\n “But I’m really glad you’re here now,” I said. “Like,\u00a0really<\/em>\u00a0glad. Even if you are some supernatural being, or something.”<\/p>\n “A ghost.” Joel looked amused.<\/p>\n “Right,” I said, and attempted to kick him in the face. My foot went through and he laughed.<\/p>\n “Wilson,” he said, when I put my foot down. “You don’t–like, you don’t mind, do you? This actually isn’t bothering you? Because–”<\/p>\n “‘Cause if it is, what? I don’t think you’ll leave,” I said, and sat up in bed. Who needed sleep, anyways? (Joel, that was the answer.) “It’s based on your feelings, man. But if it helps, yeah, no, I don’t mind.”<\/p>\n “Good, ’cause I think I’ll be haunting you for the rest of eternity,” he said, and I threw a pillow right through him.<\/p>\n “You’re a dick,” I said, and he laughed.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Eternity wouldn’t be too terrible though. “What if I died, though?” I asked the next morning, during breakfast.<\/p>\n It would’ve been a non sequitr, since neither of us had been talking, but I doubted that he forgot our conversation just several hours ago, considering he hadn’t been the one asleep between then and now.<\/p>\n Joel shrugged. “Think I might die with you then.”<\/p>\n “Do you want me to die now?” I said.<\/p>\n Joel stood up from his chair so the table cut through his body. I briefly wondered if his calves hurt from fake sitting for so long when I remembered that he probably couldn’t even feel it.<\/p>\n “I don’t mean that I will,” I added hurriedly. “I mean. Do you<\/em> want me to die?”<\/p>\n “Of course not!” Joel looked horrified at the aspect, which comforted me a little. “Why\u2014”<\/p>\n “I mean, you’d leave, I’d leave.” I shrugged and got another piece of toast. “We’d be in the same place. Together and happy and shit.”<\/p>\n “We can be like that now,” Joel said.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n I think Joel was trying to give me time to adjust to his presence. Which was thoughtful and all but I was mostly, okay. I think.<\/p>\n “You’re coming with me to work today?” I said, two weeks after I\u2019d come back.<\/p>\n Joel hadn’t stopped trailing after me and had floated right through when I closed my apartment door. He shrugged.<\/p>\n “Well we should see if other people can see me,” he said. “You’re the only person who’s seen me so far.”<\/p>\n I furrowed my eyebrows. “But didn’t you, erm, pass people or\u2014something like\u2014?”<\/p>\n “Nah, just appeared here.” He shrugged his ghostly shoulders. He was wearing a hoodie and a pair of jeans like usual. That was all he ever wore when he was still a human. “Haven’t left, either. You should probably turn the tv off, actually,” he added, nodding to my door.<\/p>\n “Right,” I said, and went back in and did that. I walked back outside where Joel was and locked the door.<\/p>\n “You’re just letting me come with you?” said Joel, looking surprised. “You were less pushy that summer when I wanted to come to Congo with you for your business trip.”<\/p>\n “And thank god you didn’t, you would’ve just gone to gay bars and try to get me to come with you.” I rolled my eyes. “But I can’t really do anything about anything you do now, can I?” I pointedly put my hand through his shoulder.<\/p>\n Joel looked down at it. “True,” he said.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n There were nervous jitters in my chest because of Joel. We walked down the hall, but no one came outside. We went into the elevator, but it didn’t stop at any of the floors. The lobby was completely empty.<\/p>\n I was sure that the world was conspiring against me. Or for me, whatever.<\/p>\n At least, until we went outside and I headed to my car in the parking garage. There was a kid and his mom there, and the kid looked at me and then did a double-take, and then, tugging at his mom’s sleeve, shouted, “Mommy, do you see that?”<\/p>\n He pointed at Joel.<\/p>\n His mom looked, and then she<\/em> did a double-take too.<\/p>\n “Oh shit,” said Joel. “I guess other people can<\/em> see me.”<\/p>\n “There’s nothing in the ghost rules that say they can’t. You’re not my personal ghost,” I hissed. I probably looked ridiculous, talking to a clearly visible silhouette, wearing my nice trousers and white button-up, and holding my suitcase.<\/p>\n “Well no one ever told<\/em> me the ghost rules,” Joel hissed back, which really was pointless because now the kid and his mom were staring at us like we were absolute freaks. “I just died and then white and then your apartment and\u2014well, yeah.”<\/p>\n “Um, sir,” called the mom. “Who\u2014Who are you talking to?”<\/p>\n I gave her a nervous laugh and Joel sort of waved. I tried to hit his hand down but\u2014well, obviously, it didn’t work.<\/p>\n “Nobody,” I replied quickly. “No one, I’m just\u2014talking to myself\u2014”<\/p>\n “Are you really trying to cover me up?” said Joel. “They can see<\/em> me\u2014”<\/p>\n “Get in the goddamn car.”<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n I solved the issue by convincing the mother that I was just talking to myself and that Joel had only been a weird ray of sunlight. Joel hid in the shadows of my car, then; I kept trying to give him dirty glares while I talked to her, until after twenty minutes she was convinced.<\/p>\n The kid still thought that he’d seen a ghost, but predictably his mother didn’t really care.<\/p>\n “You are not going out in public again,” I said, once they’d left the parking garage. I was speaking quietly in case anyone heard me again.<\/p>\n “Oh, but,” said Joel. “Look at me, Wil!”<\/p>\n I stared into my car windows. I couldn’t see anything very well.<\/p>\n “What?”<\/p>\n “Exactly!” said Joel excitedly. “Look, I think it’s like\u2014a ghost power, or something, I can make myself invisible if I just think about it!”<\/p>\n “Jesus,” I said, falling forward against my car door.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n “Touching,” his voice whispered into my ear as I slipped into my cubicle. “You’ve added more pictures of me.”<\/p>\n “Well,” I murmured out of the side of my mouth\u2014this really did<\/em> feel like Harry Potter things, like with the Invisibility Cloak and all. “That was right after your funeral, and people gave me, and it wasn’t like I didn’t\u2014”<\/p>\n “You okay in there, Knight?” My boss popped his head in.<\/p>\n “I’m fine, I just,” I said, and glanced over my shoulder to make sure that Joel still wasn’t there. Well, he was really still\u2014right.<\/p>\n “I know it’s not easy getting over a lost loved one,” said my boss sympathetically. He’d been saying the same thing for the past month. I shifted on my feet. “But you can let out all that sadness into your work, right?”<\/p>\n My boss was also a freak. “Right,” I said, and he nodded and went back out.<\/p>\n “Thank god you never introduced him to me,” said Joel. I would’ve jumped out of my seat if I wasn\u2019t glaring at the spot where my boss had been.<\/p>\n \u201cYou hate Hallmark, anyway,\u201d I pointed out, before getting to work.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Joel was annoying and talked the whole time, despite being invisible, so it was like having a disembodied voice whispering sidelong commentary the whole day. Or like listening to music with headphones, except with the headphones part, and without the music.<\/p>\n When we got home, I watched with narrowed eyes as he rematerialized. \u201cHappy with tormenting me all day?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cVery,\u201d said Joel. He floated over to the couch. \u201cPut Friends<\/i>\u00a0on again. I love hating Ross.\u201d<\/p>\n I did as he asked. He was sitting, so I sat next to him. We watched a few episodes together.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe you have some earthly business left to do,\u201d I said, during a commercial break. \u201cMaybe you\u2019re supposed to like, haunt until your soul is appeased.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel hummed thoughtfully. \u201cThat sounds ideal,\u201d he said. \u201cWhat do you think my business is?\u201d<\/p>\n I shrugged. \u201cBusiness with me? Since you\u2019re haunting me and all.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI guess,\u201d said Joel. He turned back to the television.<\/p>\n I watched him, for a second.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you think happened to Darren?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n It had always been hard to glean emotions from Joel\u2019s face. It was even harder when his face now wavered somewhere between corporeal and opaque. I wasn\u2019t sure if he knew about it.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you think?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n I made dinner for myself. I ate and showered and read and said goodnight to Joel. I went to sleep.<\/p>\n It was the weekend. I could\u2019ve gone out to a club but I didn\u2019t. Despite my bandages and injuries I didn\u2019t actually look that bad. I was pretty sure girls would call it sexy. Girls like that kind of thing.<\/p>\n The idea of sex made my stomach turn. In the morning I jerked off and let the jizz cool on my stomach.<\/p>\n I took another shower.<\/p>\n Joel was leaned back on the couch, neck tipped over the top edge, vulnerable and exposed. His eyes were closed.<\/p>\n They opened when I walked into the room.<\/p>\n \u201cHey,\u201d he greeted. \u201cWhatcha gonna make for breakfast?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOatmeal,\u201d I answered.<\/p>\n He snorted. He didn\u2019t follow me, but his voice was loud enough for me to hear in the kitchen. \u201cMan, I\u2019m glad I don\u2019t have to suffer through that anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n I cooked my oatmeal. When he was alive, Joel would mourn the fact that I was not a Cereal Person (as coined by him) and said that oatmeal was an inferior brand of soggy cereal. I would roll my eyes and flick a raisin at him.<\/p>\n I came back out with my bowl of oatmeal and sat next to him on the couch. \u201cWere there any good horror commercials?\u201d I asked. I used to stay up, too, because I liked that a lot of channels saved their scariest commercials for horror movies at night. My body was too tired for that now.<\/p>\n \u201cThe only horror movie in this world,\u201d Joel said dramatically, \u201cis life itself.\u201d<\/p>\n I laughed and threw a raisin at him. It went through him.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Selena sent me her condolences about what happened to Joel and Darren. And myself.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks,\u201d I said into the phone, though there wasn\u2019t much to thank her about.<\/p>\n \u201cYou still talk to Selena?\u201d Joel sounded incredulous. He was reading one of my books. I flipped the pages for him every so often.<\/p>\n I rolled my eyes at him as Selena said, \u201cYou knew them for a long time, didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cThat must really suck,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n \u201cIt does.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWow,\u201d Joel commented from the side. \u201cNo wonder you guys broke up.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell,\u201d said Selena. \u201cI hope you, um, feel better soon.”<\/p>\n \u201cI feel fine,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n She laughed, a little. \u201cBye Wilson,\u201d she said, before I heard the telltale sound of a dial tone.<\/p>\n I closed my phone and sighed.<\/p>\n Joel didn\u2019t look up, but he said, \u201cYou knew Darren longer.\u201d He was still reading the book\u2014or he wasn\u2019t reading at all. I could believe that.<\/p>\n \u201cI know,\u201d I said, annoyed.<\/p>\n He looked up this time. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you correct her?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n I shrugged. There wasn\u2019t much difference if you knew a guy since college compared to if you knew a guy since high school, in the grander scheme of things. Darren played lacrosse with me, moved in with me after four years, and now he was dead.<\/p>\n Joel grumbled, \u201cShe always told me my hair didn\u2019t make any sense,\u201d and I laughed.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n One day I got into my car and had a panic attack. I called in sick and lay in bed. Joel stayed in the living room when we went back upstairs.<\/p>\n The next day I started to take the bus.<\/p>\n \u201cI know I don\u2019t have a libido anymore,\u201d said Joel, from where he was sitting next to me even though a kid was sitting where he was, too, and shivering inside his body, \u201cbut damn<\/i>\u00a0that guy is fine.\u201d<\/p>\n He was staring at some man sitting across from us. I glanced at him inconspicuously, and rolled my eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cHey,\u201d I said, tapping on the girl sitting in Joel. She jumped. \u201cAre you cold?”<\/p>\n She looked up at me and nodded.<\/p>\n \u201cLast time I checked, you hated kids,\u201d said Joel.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s a seat over there next to the heater,\u201d I told her.<\/p>\n The girl mumbled a thank you to me before running off.<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I see,\u201d said Joel. \u201cBut you won\u2019t try to pick up the hot guy for me?\u201d<\/p>\n I rolled my eyes again.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n The bus made things easier, and harder. I got less anxious about coming into work late and more anxious about missing the bus. If I missed one ride I\u2019d just wait for a half an hour for the next one. I would come into work a half an hour late. I put up more photos in my office, though, so no one bothered me about it.<\/p>\n \u201cHey,\u201d Joel said, suddenly. It was the weekend, again, and I was doing some work at my dining table. He was trying to turn a page of my old porn even though he didn\u2019t swing that way. The magazine pages made little ripples, but I couldn\u2019t feel the air from where I was typing.<\/p>\n \u201cRemember the look on your face when you first saw me?\u201d he said, and then cracked up.<\/p>\n I stared at him. \u201cI don\u2019t really know what my face looked like in that moment.\u201d I could remember how I felt, though. Shocked. Displaced. Dissociative.<\/p>\n \u201cIt was hilarious,\u201d Joel said, wheezing. \u201cI mean, okay, you had tubes all over your body and you looked awful as shit, but your eyes got so big I was afraid they were gonna need to do some more surgery on you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat would\u2019ve been a waste of money,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n I checked my email. \u201cHey,\u201d I said. \u201cYour sister emailed me saying she has some of my stuff from your apartment to mail to me.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel picked himself up from his chair and walked over to me. He didn\u2019t make any noise. \u201cI didn\u2019t have any of your stuff at my apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n I shrugged. \u201cMaybe you stole my shit and had a box of it,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cProbable,\u201d said Joel. \u201cI definitely had your Call of Duty.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?<\/i>\u00a0I\u2019d been looking for that for years<\/i>\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd Mario Kart,\u201d he added thoughtfully.<\/p>\n \u201cYou didn\u2019t tell me you took that! I thought I lost it!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell you didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve been Mario Kart depraved because of you<\/i>\u2014\u201d I wrung my hands, uselessly. \u201cI wish I could kill you,\u201d I said, seriously.<\/p>\n \u201cToo bad you can\u2019t,\u201d Joel said cheerfully.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n I got cornflakes, for Joel\u2019s sake. Earl visited me the next week to make sure I didn\u2019t, like, kill myself. I didn\u2019t. He looked at the cornflakes suspiciously when he came into the kitchen, though.<\/p>\n \u201cYou hate cereal,\u201d he told me.<\/p>\n I shrugged. I knew that. \u201cJoel doesn\u2019t,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Earl stared at me, and then shook his head. \u201cWhen\u2019s your next therapist appointment?\u201d he asked, pouring himself a bowl. The box had been unopened before he\u2019d eaten it.<\/p>\n I stared at him. \u201cTherapist appointment?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d said Earl. \u201cMom\u2019s worried, said you won\u2019t answer her emails or calls or anything\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI wasn\u2019t aware she knew how to operate technology.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWilson.\u201d Earl fixed me with a look.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not seeing a therapist,\u201d I told him.<\/p>\n He was surprised. He stirred his cornflakes. \u201cYou\u2019re not?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t need one,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019m fine.\u201d<\/p>\n Earl pointed to his cereal. \u201cI don\u2019t think you are.\u201d<\/p>\n I shrugged and stole a cornflake. I nearly gagged on it. It was gross.\u00a0In my ear, Joel laughed.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen\u2019s the last time you got laid?\u201d Earl asked, because one time he\u2019d fucked a girl and got mad when she thought of me during it and moaned out my name. I never wanted to know, but he told me out of revenge. He told me he hated having a twin brother. I echoed the sentiment.<\/p>\n \u201cA while ago,\u201d I answered.<\/p>\n \u201cIn the past few months?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cMy back hurts,\u201d I said. It didn\u2019t. It was an excuse.<\/p>\n \u201cIf your back hurts you should be in physical therapy still,\u201d he said to me. \u201cYou should be in therapy, period. I can\u2019t even tell what part of the five stages of grief you\u2019re in.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere are five stages?\u201d I said, disbelieving. \u201cIt\u2019s grief<\/i>, I\u2019m pretty sure that\u2019s just a stage on its own.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou should see a therapist,\u201d he told me.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n When he was gone, I turned to Joel and rolled my eyes. \u201cCan you believe him?\u201d I said. \u201cTherapy.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMarine biology.\u201d Joel was picking at his unaffected nails. \u201cAre we naming things I used to want to study?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou wanted to study therapy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI was twelve, my best friend\u2019s rabbit died,\u201d Joel explained. \u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s a bad idea.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTherapy,\u201d I repeated.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Work was fine. I was in the copyediting department because that was the sort of thing I was good at. Joel mostly lurked in my cubicle and tried to spin my chair while I was sitting in it. Once I didn\u2019t notice until my foot was beginning to run into the trashcan.<\/p>\n Today I didn\u2019t notice until the stapler was right next to my elbow.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re getting better at this ghost thing,\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n \u201cRight?\u201d said Joel\u2019s disembodied voice. \u201cWant me to spill Laura\u2019s coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPlease.\u201d<\/p>\n A couple of minutes later I heard a shriek from the cubicle next to me. I chuckled. Laura kept sending me get well soon<\/i>\u00a0cards meant for like, the flu and mono and shit. It was annoying.<\/p>\n I looked up the five stages of grief. They made sense, if I cared, but I didn\u2019t. Grief was grief. I glanced at a photo of me and Joel on the wall. Then I looked at the stand-up photo of me and Darren. It was the day after graduation and we\u2019d gone fishing.<\/p>\n Something hit my elbow.<\/p>\n My tape dispenser had mysteriously moved from next to my pencil holder to beside my arm. \u201cYou must be really bored,\u201d I whispered as I put it back.<\/p>\n \u201cLaura started stripping in the women\u2019s room,\u201d Joel muttered. \u201cIt wasn\u2019t exciting.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf I was a ghost I\u2019d sneak into the ladies\u2019 room all the time,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Laura passed me then. She gave me a funny look, but when I met her eye, it eclipsed into something more pitiful.<\/p>\n I snorted and switched screens on my computer.<\/p>\n \u201cBeing a gay ghost is boring,\u201d Joel mourned in my ear.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n \u201cWho do you miss more?\u201d Joel asked. \u201cMe or Darren?\u201d<\/p>\n It was the middle of the night. He\u2019d floated into my room, because the door was still closed and he wouldn\u2019t have been able to open it and walk through the doorway anyway. I was half-asleep and getting ready to be completely asleep.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat kind of question is that?\u201d I mumbled, rubbing my face.<\/p>\n Joel just looked at me.<\/p>\n \u201cDarren, duh,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Joel floated back out without another word.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n A box labeled WILSON’S<\/i>\u00a0appeared on my front door shortly afterward. I could recognize it as Joel\u2019s handwriting; he was probably the only guy in the world whose natural impulse was to write in cursive in all seriousness. Well, used to be. There wasn\u2019t any guy in the world who would do that now.<\/p>\n Joel blanched when I brought the box into the living room. That was quite a feat, considering he was already pretty pale before.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2019d you get that?\u201d he demanded.<\/p>\n I shrugged. \u201cMust be the box your sister emailed me about,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Joel glanced at it, and then at me.<\/p>\n \u201cYou should definitely not open it,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cUh. Why?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want you to,\u201d said Joel. \u201cShouldn\u2019t that be a thing you should do, you know, honor the wishes of the dead?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cKind of fucked up that you\u2019re guilting me like that.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel said, \u201cPlease,\u201d and I didn\u2019t know why. But Joel was, you know, Joel. The last time I\u2019d seen him feel this strongly was when Game of Thrones was on at the same time as Firefly and he told me to not waste my time with HBO and watch Firefly instead. It was a pretty good choice.<\/p>\n Television shows weren\u2019t really indicative of Joel\u2019s decisions, but I did want to honor the wishes of the dead. Darren never liked cereal much.<\/p>\n \u201cAlright,\u201d I said, and put the box away.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n Laura never asked me out, but Priscilla from marketing did. Priscilla was tall and pretty. Joel said that her heels looked like they could stab someone\u2019s eye out, but I found that attractive, so I said yes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou should stay home while I\u2019m out,\u201d I said, looking in the mirror. I adjusted my tie.<\/p>\n \u201cCan\u2019t.\u201d Joel was sprawled horizontal on my bed.<\/p>\n I glanced at him through the mirror. \u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHaunting, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n I turned around. I was wearing the green button up that had gotten my first date with Selena.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought you were just, you know, haunting the earth.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am,\u201d said Joel. \u201cBut since you\u2019re my fixture of haunt\u2014\u201d he made a vague gesture.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat does that even mean?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, I didn\u2019t really get an instruction manual when I died.\u201d<\/p>\n I sighed and looked into the mirror again. \u201cMaybe I should call this off,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t,\u201d said Joel. \u201cAnd wear that shirt.\u201d<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n \u201cYou both have horrible taste in appetizers,\u201d said Joel, when Priscilla and I agreed on the spinach dip.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy would you want to work for a company that\u2019s basically capitalizing on your emotions<\/i>?\u201d said Joel, when Priscilla and I discussed why we wanted to work for Hallmark in the first place. \u201cThat\u2019s consumerism at its finest.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStraight people are gross,\u201d said Joel, when I kissed Priscilla on the cheek goodnight.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m glad you decided not to sleep with her,\u201d said Joel as I closed the door and began to unbutton my jacket. \u201cHer cheekbones were terrifying.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI think you\u2019re just scared of her,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, because she has shoes that could be a weapon and has a face that could be a weapon. She\u2019s like a walking gun.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cShe\u2019s not a walking gun,\u201d I said. I laughed, anyway.<\/p>\n \u201cI said like<\/i>. It\u2019s a simile.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThank you, English major.\u201d I stripped out of my clothes and rifled through my sleep clothes. The first time Joel had crashed in my apartment when he was still alive, I\u2019d started wearing t-shirts and sweatpants to sleep instead of just an undershirt and boxers. It was a habit I\u2019d gotten used to.<\/p>\n Joel was watching me, but probably because my boxers had raccoons on them.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you gonna go out with her again?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u201cProbably not.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t feel like we clicked,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Joel snickered. \u201cDid you seriously try to apply your emotions to picking up a chick?\u201d<\/p>\n It hadn\u2019t felt like I did. Or that I had any, all night. It was hard to describe. The thought of sex was tiring.<\/p>\n I shrugged. \u201cSure,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n I had annoying dreams. They ranged from remembering when Joel was talking to me while I felt like I was on my deathbed, telling me how terrible I looked and what he thought of the Spanish soap operas that played on the hospital television. Surprisingly he came to enjoy them.<\/p>\n The other dreams were about on-coming trucks, and feeling useless from the backseat, and watching airbags blow up and then nothing and nothing dripping with blood.<\/p>\n I usually let them happen, because I watched horror movies, so I\u2019d seen worse. This one night I woke up in a cold sweat and shot up in bed.<\/p>\n Joel wasn\u2019t there, and then he was.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you\u2014\u201d I started.<\/p>\n \u201cYou shouted,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d I said. That was embarrassing. \u201cSorry. Nightmare.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel nodded. \u201cAre you okay?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n I breathed and pinched myself and felt dumb. Joel had clung to a pillow once while we watched The Shining. I\u2019d commented on the acting.<\/p>\n \u201cI can stay here for the night,\u201d Joel offered.<\/p>\n I lay back down in bed and let the blankets settle over me. I couldn\u2019t hear anything, but something cold settled next to me. I turned around to see Joel resting against the headboard, sitting upright.<\/p>\n \u201cThanks,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you get nightmares about me being in your bed, let me know,\u201d he joked.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t get any nightmares.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n \u201cAm I ever going to be allowed to open your box?\u201d I asked. \u201cThough I guess technically it\u2019s mine, since it has my name on it.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel looked uncomfortable. I wasn\u2019t aware that that was a word I\u2019d ever actually use to describe him.<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe?\u201d he said, like he was guessing.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you mean, maybe? It\u2019s a yes or no question. I said ever<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMaybe.\u201d Joel sounded more definite this time.<\/p>\n I threw a couch pillow at him. He shimmered a little as it went through his body.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s not an answer,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cI mean,\u201d said Joel. \u201cI don\u2019t want to tell you no because that just means you\u2019ll open it right away.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYep,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd if I said yes\u2014well, then you\u2019ll open it right away then, too.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYep,\u201d I said again.<\/p>\n Joel shrugged. \u201cThe honest answer? No.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAlright then,\u201d I said cheerfully, and then went to the hallway to grab it from the closet.<\/p>\n Joel shifted from foot to foot as I brought it into the living room. \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have put your name on it,\u201d he said to me.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy?\u201d I asked, opening the flaps.<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t answer. I didn\u2019t need him to.<\/p>\n Inside was like a treasure trove of cards. I recognized most of them; I\u2019d signed most of them, scribbled tiny little messages about best roommate ever, dude<\/i>\u00a0and drawn curly-haired nerds watching TV. Before the cards, when we were still broke freshman kids, it was just printer paper and makeshift cards and really terrible poetry. Poetry was kind of a loose term. They rhymed, though.<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d I said, staring at the box\u2019s contents.<\/p>\n Joel didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n \u201cRight,\u201d I said. \u201cWell I guess this makes sense.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna go,\u201d said Joel.<\/p>\n He disappeared.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t see him for days. I brushed my teeth and flossed (because if I was going to be paranoid about my safety I might as well be paranoid for my teeth too) and showered and went to bed. I woke up and brushed my teeth again and dressed and ate breakfast.<\/p>\n Where did ghosts go? I\u2019d assumed until now that Joel had hung around because he had to, not because he wanted to. Though it did kind of fit in with the, you know, having literally every message I wrote to him for birthdays and Hanukkahs and New Years and the time he got his appendix taken out and the other time he was so ill that he didn\u2019t show up in my apartment for two whole weeks. I\u2019d actually thought he was dead then.<\/p>\n It must\u2019ve been a week since I opened the box. I ran my thumb along a picture frame of Joel and Darren, from my desk\u2014it was when I\u2019d introduced them for the first time and Joel had joked about me replacing him as a roommate, even though he and Darren had more fun on the rollercoasters together than I did that day. They\u2019d gotten along well.<\/p>\n My boss appeared in the doorway. \u201cWilson,\u201d he said, and his voice was weirdly snappish. \u201cGet out.\u201d<\/p>\n Bewildered, I spun to him. The photo was still in my hands. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re emo and you\u2019re not putting it into your work,\u201d my boss said. \u201cI\u2019m giving you the day off. Probably the whole month.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat?\u201d I said, again.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not a psychiatrist,\u201d said my boss, \u201cbut you are obviously depressed.\u201d<\/p>\n I stared at him.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re not a psychiatrist,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cObviously<\/i>\u00a0depressed,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t need to\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s either that or you\u2019re fired,\u201d he told me.<\/p>\n People were watching. I stared at him for a pregnant second, and then said, \u201cFine.\u201d I gathered up my briefcase and my jacket and shouldered my way past him.<\/p>\n \u201cAm I firing you or not?\u201d he called.<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n *<\/p>\n When I got home I slammed the door shut. I was breathing heavily. As soon as it registered that I was home and alone, my eyes blurred. I thought I was angry.<\/p>\n My chest seized up. I held onto it and breathed again.<\/p>\n \u201cWilson?\u201d<\/p>\n Joel was there. Joel hadn\u2019t been there for days. Here.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere were you?\u201d I managed out, somehow.<\/p>\n Joel was bent down and looking me in the eye. \u201cWhat?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n \u201cWhere\u2014\u201d wheeze<\/i>\u00a0\u201c\u2014were you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWilson, are you\u2014you\u2019re having a panic attack.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThanks for the update,\u201d I said. My chest hurt. My limbs were numb. I couldn\u2019t feel my fingers. My mouth tasted like the inside of someone\u2019s shoe.<\/p>\n \u201cWilson,\u201d Joel said calmly. \u201cBreathe.\u201d<\/p>\n I glared at him. \u201cWhat does it look like I\u2019m doing?\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Somehow, I made my way to the living room couch and lay on my back. I was tall enough to cover the whole length, so Joel sat through my knees. He was cold and liquid, but it helped shock my system. My breathing eased up.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened?\u201d Joel asked.<\/p>\n My voice felt strained from talking whilst lying on my back. \u201cMy boss said I was depressed,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d said Joel.<\/p>\n \u201cYou were gone,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n I hadn\u2019t responded to any of Joel\u2019s sister\u2019s invitations to help her sort through Joel\u2019s things in his apartment, way back when. He hadn\u2019t had a will so it was just a matter of next of kin responsibility. I hadn\u2019t gotten any invitations to help sort through Darren\u2019s stuff either, but that was because we were still in the hospital when his family had come by our apartment and taken his stuff away.<\/p>\n I was allergic to dust.<\/p>\n \u201cAre you depressed?\u201d Joel asked.<\/p>\n \u201cNo,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019m just having a fucking panic attack, that\u2019s all.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWilson\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you want me to open the box?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n Joel stared at me, for a long time.<\/p>\n \u201cLike, cool, you have a gay crush on me,\u201d I said. It was easier talking about this than about myself. \u201cWell I guess I wouldn\u2019t have guessed, though.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel was still watching me. He bit his lip. It was weird how he could look like he was there, but everything about his overall pigment was off. Off-white, but he wasn\u2019t white. Off-Joel.<\/p>\n \u201cI thought that that was why I was here,\u201d he said. \u201cBecause I never told you about it. I didn\u2019t want to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n My chest felt tight again, but for a different reason. It hurt more at the center. It wasn\u2019t dissociative.<\/p>\n \u201cI really miss Darren,\u201d I said. My cheeks were wet, all of a sudden.<\/p>\n Joel laughed. He laughed when all three of us watched the Friends<\/i>\u00a0finale and cried. \u201cMe too,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n I sat up. He hadn\u2019t moved from my legs, and when I lifted my hand up to hover it where his shoulder was, my palm felt wet and cool. When I removed it it was dry. I placed it near him again.<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t want to go?\u201d I said.<\/p>\n He shrugged. \u201cObviously not.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know, having you around is going to make it really hard for me to bring chicks home.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel gave me a sad sort of smile.<\/p>\n \u201cLucky me.\u201d<\/p>\n He was facing me. I had thought about what it was like to kiss a dude. That\u2019s the sort of thing that happens when your old college roommate\u2019s gay. I hadn\u2019t thought about what it was like to kiss a ghost, though.<\/p>\n I leaned in and aimed. A second before my lips got swallowed by the cool air, I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re,\u201d said Joel\u2019s voice, eerily close to me. \u201cYou\u2019re kissing me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am trying,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n I opened my eyes again. I\u2019d pushed a little too far so that most of the front of my head was in Joel\u2019s. I didn\u2019t really expect to see the ghostly insides of his brain, but I was glad that I didn\u2019t see anything except for my living room window, past him.<\/p>\n I pulled away.<\/p>\n \u201cThat must\u2019ve looked weird,\u201d said Joel.<\/p>\n \u201cIt felt<\/i>\u00a0weird.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhy did you do that?\u201d<\/p>\n I shrugged. \u201cSemantics,\u201d I said. \u201cPlus, I wanted to see if that\u2019s what you were here for.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel furrowed his eyebrows. \u201cA shitty kiss?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWow,\u201d I said, but I laughed. \u201cNo. Reciprocation.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh,\u201d said Joel. He looked pleased.\u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s probably just the haunting, then. To haunt you.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI should get M. Night Shamalayan as my therapist,\u201d I said thoughtfully.<\/p>\n \u201cI hated that movie,\u201d said Joel. \u201cI hate M. Night Shamalayan.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLook,\u201d I said. \u201cAvatar was a fucking disaster\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n He snorted. \u201cThat\u2019s putting it lightly.”<\/p>\n \u201cBut Sixth Sense was genius, okay.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re getting a therapist?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n I looked at him. The knot in my chest was still there, still new. I didn\u2019t feel sad, though. Or happy, even though Joel was here with me, had been, for so long. Since college, since after the accident. I picked at my cuticles. I didn\u2019t feel anything.<\/p>\n \u201cProbably,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Joel nodded. \u201cThat\u2019s good. Your idea of genius movies is questionable.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI take it back,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019m taking back my reciprocation. And my head kiss. I\u2019m pretty sure I kissed your ghost esophagus.\u201d<\/p>\n Joel tipped forward. \u201cToo late,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n He kissed me better, but probably because he knew where he ended and started and where I did, too. His ghost tongue was a little bit damper than the parts of his body that were supposed to be dry. This was not what I had in mind for kissing a guy.<\/p>\n \u201cAt this rate you\u2019re basically asking me to pray to the Catholic gods,\u201d I said against his mouth.<\/p>\n \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t,\u201d said Joel.<\/p>\n \u201cI wouldn\u2019t,\u201d I agreed.<\/p>\n He grinned.\u00a0His knuckles were damp across my own.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Summary: I didn’t ask to be haunted, but these kinds of things are hard to control.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[27,22],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-215","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-original","category-writing","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=215"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":221,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215\/revisions\/221"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=215"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=215"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/aroceu.com\/projects\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=215"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}