Rating:

Teen

Category:

Gen

Fandom:

Haikyuu!!

Relationship:

Matsukawa/Hanamaki

Tags:

humor, matchmaking, outsider pov

Stats:

Posted on:

2015-10-29

Words:

3,526

Oikawa thinks he’s a genius.

Hajime will say, to anyone who asks him (including Oikawa), that he isn’t. Because Oikawa is good at school, sure, and superb at volleyball, okay, and he definitely doesn’t miss the way Matsukawa and Hanamaki keep glancing at each other, brushing their fingers together. Hajime hasn’t missed it, either, the obvious thigh presses, lingering smiles, just kind of adorable but mostly disgusting in the way that they’re so obviously flirting with each other.

Hajime is a man of action. He is also in favor of other people being of action, meaning that while Hanamaki and Matsukawa are so obvious that even Watari is bemoaning how disgustingly cute they’re being, Hajime wants Matsukawa and Hanamaki to be their own men, and to be their own men of action.

Oikawa is not like that. Oikawa thinks he is a genius, and gathers their entire team (sans Hanamaki and Matsukawa) in the locker room one morning, and huddles them together like their group chants before a game.

“So, you guys,” he says eagerly. “Mattsun and Makki—”

“If you’re going to begin to wax poetic about how you deserve to be happy as they are,” Yahaba interrupts, “I’m out.”

“Yahaba, please keep your frustrations of being lonely forever to yourself,” Oikawa says with a twinkle in his eye.

Yahaba says, “Iwaizumi, hit him for me.”

Hajime hits him.

“Ow, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa complains, before, “Whatever! Okay, listen up. I think we should try to get Makki and Mattsun together.”

“What,” says Hajime.

At the same time, Kyoutani says, “We?”

“Yes we, Kyouken-chan, don’t scowl at me. It’s not very becoming of you.”

And then Oikawa actually boops Kyoutani on the nose, which means he’s actually thought about this thoroughly. Which means that the whole team is doomed.

If Hajime’s arms weren’t strewn around Kindaichi’s and Oikawa’s shoulders right now, he would bury his face in his hands.

“Anyway!” Oikawa continues cheerfully. “I say that tomorrow we lock them in the club room! Then they’re bound to get together after that.”

“And if they don’t?” Kunimi asks, because he actually looks interested. It’s kind of jarring. Hajime wouldn’t have pinned him as a romantic, before.

“Then we do it the next day!” says Oikawa. “And the day after that, until they finally kiss and get together! Then everyone will be happy, and they’ll be the happiest of them all.”

“I’ll just be happy that this whole thing is over,” Hajime hears Yahaba mutter.

Hajime clears his throat. “Oikawa,” he says. “You don’t actually expect us, to like, help you out with your little scheme, do you?”

Oikawa turns to him, face close enough that his cheek brushes against Hajime’s nose. “Of course, Iwa-chan,” he says brightly. “That’s why we’re all in this group huddle together!”

Kyoutani stands up. “No thank you,” he says.

He starts away when Oikawa calls out, “I’ll buy everyone’s lunch tomorrow!”

*

True to his word, Oikawa does buy all their lunches, though it means he has to buy Matsukawa’s and Hanamaki’s too, to deter suspicion. Hajime munches on the most expensive sandwich in the cafeteria, which isn’t even his favorite—it’s just worth it to see the expression on Oikawa’s face. He can live like this.

At practice, Oikawa says, “Oh no Makki, I’ve left my water bottle in the club room! Can you grab it for me?”

“Ask Iwaizumi to get it,” says Hanamaki, tying his shoelaces.

Oikawa bounds over to him and nudges his shoulder. “But Makki, I want you to get it,” he says. “You’re faster than Iwa-chan.”

Hanamaki looks at Oikawa carefully. Then he glances at Hajime, who decides to play along and go, “Oi!”

Oikawa turns around to stick his tongue out at Hajime. His eyes are twinkling gratefully. Hajime rolls his eyes.

Hanamaki shrugs then. “Sure,” he says, and leaves the gym.

Matsukawa, meanwhile, is toweling his forehead off post-warmup. Oikawa whispers something to Kunimi, and then Kunimi is walking over to Matsukawa, asking for his phone number.

Matsukawa furrows his eyebrows. “I’m pretty sure we already have each other’s numbers, Kunimi,” he says.

“I’m pretty sure we don’t,” Kunimi replies.

His tone is flat enough that Matsukawa sighs. “Fine,” he says. “But I have to go get my phone from my bag, I can never remember it.”

“Okay,” Kunimi says evenly.

As soon as Matsukawa leaves the gym, Oikawa leaps up from the bench. “Follow me!” he says excitedly. Ignoring the funny looks their coach is giving them, he heads for the doors.

They all (somewhat curiously, mostly reluctantly) follow Oikawa out of the gym, peering around the corner as Matsukawa goes to the club room. As soon as he’s inside, Oikawa says, “Excellent!” and whips out a key.

Hajime swivels his head around. “Where did you get that?” he demands.

Oikawa winks and puts a finger over his lips. “A magician never reveals his secrets,” he says, before cackling and running over to lock the club room door.

And then they wait. And wait. And wait.

“Matsukawa, Kunimi definitely has—” Hanamaki’s going, as the doorknob jiggles. Hanamaki stops talking, and it jiggles again. “Wait. What the hell?”

“What?” comes Matsukawa’s voice.

“The—door’s locked.” Hanamaki wiggles it again. “It locks from the outside?”

“Who designed this door?” says Matsukawa.

Oikawa is laughing into his palm. Even Watari and Kindaichi have joined him. Hajime would scold them all, but he kind of wants to find out how this will turn out.

“Well, if we’re locked in, they’ll probably realize we’re gone eventually,” says Hanamaki. “What do you wanna do?”

“I got my PSP somewhere around here.” There’s the sound of rustling.

“Look, Oikawa,” Hajime hisses, across the railing. “If they’re gonna, like, get it on or something, we probably shouldn’t hang out and listen to it.”

“Why not?” Oikawa asks.

Hajime narrows his eyes at him.

Oikawa sighs. “Fine, fine, Iwa-chan,” he says, and they march off. “You’re no fun.”

*

Afterward, when practice is over, Oikawa bounds over to the club room, unlocking and whipping the door open. “We were wondering where you were,” he says, tone surprisingly convincing. Oikawa is a good actor. Hajime kind of hates him for it.

“That’s okay,” says Matsukawa, and Hajime ducks in to see him resting against Hanamaki’s legs, playing on his PSP.

Hajime is wondering, but it’s Kindaichi who blurts, “What’ve you been doing this whole time?”

Oikawa sends him a look that kind of sends tone it down a little but Hanamaki and Matsukawa don’t seem to have noticed.

Matsukawa shrugs. Hanamaki pats Matsukawa’s hair absently and says, “Doing this.” He’s reading a book.

Hajime glances over to see Oikawa’s reaction.

Oikawa has a tight smile on his face, almost weird if Matsukawa and Hanamaki bothered to look up. Hanamaki is still petting Matsukawa’s hair.

“Any new developments?” Oikawa asks.

“I got past a boss on Monster Hunter,” says Matsukawa.

“I’m pretty sure the butler was the murderer,” Hanamaki says from his book.

Matsukawa glances up from his game to see the cover. “Oh I haven’t read that one yet,” he says. “Don’t tell me who did it when you’re done.”

“I totally will.”

Matsukawa cuffs Hanamaki at the thigh. Hanamaki snickers and playfully kicks him off.

Oikawa bites his lip. Hajime can imagine a tiny Oikawa on the inside, screaming.

“Wonderful,” Oikawa gets out. He grabs his stuff and leaves. “I’ll see you at practice tomorrow morning.”

Hajime rolls his eyes after he’s gone. Kyoutani comes to him at his locker and whispers, “Do you think we’ll have to go through all this again?”

“You know,” says Hajime thoughtfully, pulling his jacket down from its hook. “Even if we do, I don’t think it’ll actually be that bad.”

*

“Team,” Oikawa says authoritatively at practice the next morning.

He had sent a mass text to everyone except for Matsukawa and Hanamaki, saying that it’s urgent that they get there a half an hour early. Kunimi has dozed off on Kindaichi’s shoulder, and Yahaba looks like he wants to murder someone. Hajime can’t blame him.

“Mission: Get Hanamaki and Matsukawa Together yesterday has failed us,” says Oikawa. “So we will continue! Again! Today!”

“What happened yesterday?” asks Watari.

“Nothing,” Oikawa says bitterly. “And that’s our problem. They are doing nothing and it doesn’t help. So today we will need to run inspections.”

“Please,” Yahaba begs. “No.”

And Hajime glares at Oikawa and says, “Do you really want us to walk around, waiting to eavesdrop on them going at it? Kissing? Doing—” His mind flashes with images he has never wanted to think about. “Other things?”

“It’s called sex, Iwa-chan, we’re not in middle school anymore.” Oikawa grins and Hajime chucks a volleyball at his face.

“Anyway,” Oikawa says, ten minutes later after he’s applied a bandage on his nose. “We will have duties. So! I will be on first shift, Iwa-chan will be on the second shift twenty minutes later—” He gestures to Hajime, who huffs, “and so on and so forth. We’ll just walk around for a minute or so, and report back with results.”

“Do we have to?” Kindaichi moans.

Oikawa ignores him. “Break!” he says, and then they begin their actual practice.

*

So Kunimi—again—and this time Kyoutani, who’d only been persuaded because Oikawa had pointed out that he’d bought his favorite sandwich for him at lunch again, get Hanamaki and Matsukawa to go into the clubroom similarly to how they did yesterday. Hajime yells at Oikawa for guilt tripping Kyoutani for about five minutes, and then Oikawa says, “Oh look! It’s my shift!” and runs off, cackling gleefully.

As it’s difficult to practice volleyball without an invested setter, they all decide to go with it, because at least it’s a break from their hardcore practices. Their coach is frowning but says nothing. Kyoutani asks what’s the point of practicing as a team if one of them is going to be gone to hear for two of their other teammates banging.

“Because we still have to practice,” Oikawa points out. And then, “Oh, I knew you were invested too, Kyouken-chan!” and Kyoutani stalks back off to the other side of the net, grumbling.

Hajime hadn’t heard anything during his shift, but Watari comes back from his, looking wide-eyed.

Oikawa spots him immediately. He practically attacks Watari, going, “What’d you hear? What are they doing?” He shakes Watari’s shoulders eagerly.

“I’m… not sure,” Watari says hesitantly. “There was like—I don’t know. There was a bump? And then some moaning? And then Matsukawa said that Makki-san messed him up…”

“Messed him up? Messed him up how?”

Watari shrugs. “I dunno,” he says.

Oikawa’s eyes are bright and delighted, but he has a one-track mind. Hajime, however, doesn’t. He elbows Oikawa sharply.

“Oi,” he says. “Before your mind goes to the gutter, we better not jump to conclusions.”

“Jump to conclusions?” Oikawa practically squeals. “What else could’ve that been about? Moaning, Iwa-chan!”

“Yeah, I mean.” Hajime shrugs. “Matsukawa moans when he can’t beat his opponents in video games. And if Makki messed him up…”

It takes a second for Oikawa to put the pieces together, and then his face falls. “Oh,” he says, faintly. But then, “We’ll just have to keep listening on them, then!”

But no one else comes back with any interesting pieces of information, though Kunimi had been gone for longer than the rest of them, and reported back that he had in fact pressed his ear to the door and heard absolutely nothing. Hajime figures that they’d probably fallen asleep in the middle of reading and playing video games and whatever. His suspicions are confirmed when Oikawa storms to the club room to let them out.

“Locked in here two days in a row,” Matsukawa muses, as he makes his way back out.

Hanamaki shrugs. He nudges Matsukawa, grinning. “With you,” he says.

“How unfortunate,” says Matsukawa, returning the grin.

*

So the week continues on, with more of them getting Matsukawa and Hanamaki alone together, locking them in the club room. Even one day when Oikawa forgets to get the key, Hajime gets it for him, locking the door himself. Kyoutani keeps glancing at Matsukawa and Hanamaki peculiarly over lunch, Kindaichi one day nervously asks Matsukawa (without Oikawa’s prompting) if he’s interested in any girls or boys, and even Yahaba speculates, on their way back from morning practice, when they’ll finally notice how obvious the rest of them are being and realize that they’re meant to be together. In those words.

Hajime both can and can’t believe that Oikawa actually managed to get all of them invested.

Not like Oikawa actually notices. Hajime’s pretty sure one day he’s going to explode if Hanamaki and Matsukawa don’t realize what’s going on, at the very least, and get together.

“They are hip-checking each other in the lunch line!” Oikawa hisses to Hajime, because he’s run out of money to cover all of them and only has the limited amount his mother will give him.

Hajime glances over, to where Matsukawa is ducking down to get a fruit cup and Hanamaki is watching him fondly. “They are kind of obvious,” he admits, biting into his sandwich.

Oikawa plants his water bottle on the table. “I’ve had enough of this,” he says. “If they don’t get together today, I’m going to make sure they do.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” says Yahaba.

“Then their love won’t be natural,” Kunimi bemoans.

Kindaichi and Hajime look at him funnily. Oikawa waves his hand. “I know, I know, Kunimi-chan, but look. The rest of their love is natural!” He gesticulates emphatically toward where Hanamaki and Matsukawa are heading towards them. Identical frowns pass over both of their faces.

“A little push won’t hurt,” says Oikawa as he sits back down.

So, at practice, they go by their usual routine. Neither Hanamaki nor Matsukawa question it when Kyoutani says that he has a lucky volleyball he wants to practice with in his duffel, or that Hajime (terribly) feigns a headache and mentions that he has pills in his bag. Soon enough, they’re both gone, and the rest of the team is huddled outside of the club room.

“Is that Kyoutani’s bag?” asks Matsukawa’s voice.

Hanamaki says, “No, I’m pretty sure that’s Watari’s.” There’s the sound of a zipper and then a rustling. “Oh, no. It’s Kunimi’s.”

“Are those romance novels?”

“Research,” Kunimi whispers, when everyone glances at him.

“Oh wait—no, I think this is Kyoutani’s.” More rustling, plastic against plastic. “Yep, this is Kyoutani’s. Wait, I don’t see a volleyball in here.”

“I can’t find Iwaizumi’s pills,” says Hanamaki. “I didn’t even know he had pills.”

“He’d need them, probably,” says Matsukawa. “From getting so many headaches because of Oikawa.”

“Hey,” Oikawa huffs.

“He has a point,” Hajime and Yahaba whisper at the same time.

Matsukawa’s voice comes trickling through again. “Yeah, I can’t find any volleyball or whatever,” he says. “I’d never heard of Kyoutani having a lucky volleyball before, that’s kinda cute.”

“Thank you, Matsukawa-san,” Kyoutani mutters from leaned against Kunimi.

Kunimi whispers to him, “And you call me weird.”

Hanamaki sighs, and then they hear footsteps. “That must mean that we’re locked in here again,” he says. “Not that it’s any surprise to me anymore…”

“Maybe the world just hates us.” Matsukawa’s voice is kind of low. Against the door, Hajime raises his eyebrows.

“You sure it hates us?” Hanamaki teases.

There are more footsteps. Everyone holds their breath, as utter silence passes between them, on both sides of the door.

There’s a loud smack, kind of like the sucking of a wet plunger. Then Hanamaki’s moaning, “Mattsun,” in a husky voice, and zippers—not bag zippers, but clothes zippers—are being yanked loudly.

Everyone scrambles away from the door, even Oikawa and Kunimi. Hajime hisses, “Hell no, hell no, I did not have to hear that,” as he marches back down the hall, trying to exterminate all images and sounds from his mind. There are things he regrets and getting involved in Hanamaki’s and Matsukawa’s love life is one of them.

“That was,” says Watari. “Scarring.”

“Kind of confusing,” says Kyoutani, wrinkling his forehead.

Oikawa waits at the edge of the hall near the staircase and pulls out his phone. “I’m going to give them fifteen minutes,” he says. “And anyone who cares to know can stay, too.” He leans against the railing expectantly.

“Well of course we care to know,” says Yahaba. “But right after that?”

“I need evidence,” Oikawa insists.

“You just want to gloat,” Hajime points out.

“Okay, well, that too.” Oikawa shrugs. “Ten minutes. Wanna bet if they’ll last that long?”

What a lot of people don’t know about the Aoba Johsai volleyball team is as competitive as they are during games, they’re even more competitive against each other. Kindaichi bets that they’ll walk in on them mid-sex, needing longer than fifteen minutes. Both Hajime and Watari figure that they won’t even last five minutes, and they’ll open the door to them in reading and video game position, almost every hair in place.

When fifteen minutes are up, Oikawa unlocks the door and peeks inside. He sends everyone a smug grin—the door opens more to Matsukawa and Hanamaki, clothes fully on but hair disheveled and panting slightly. Hanamaki is sitting on the floor, and Matsukawa isn’t.

Hajime does not want to think about the implications of that.

“Finally!” Oikawa crows, prancing into the room.

“Holy shit,” says Yahaba, following him and waving his hand in front of his nose. “It smells like a brothel in here.”

“Did you guys actually get together?” Kindaichi asks, eyes darting between them rapidly.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa glance at each other and burst into laughter.

Oikawa huffs. “I know, I know, you don’t understand, but you don’t have to laugh,” he says. “You guys needed to be together, just give us some credit—”

“We needed to be together?” Hanamaki asks, amused.

“Credit?” Matsukawa chokes incredulously.

“Yes, credit,” Hajime can’t help putting in, because these two idiots are being idiots, and honestly, Oikawa was right, he needed to see it happen to know it happened. Well, he knows it happened, probably more than he wants to. “You guys have been stupidly into each other for ages, it’s nice to know that you—well, I don’t want to talk about what you guys just did, but—”

“We’ve been stupidly into each other,” Matsukawa interrupts, smirking.

“For ages,” adds Hanamaki. “Hear that, Mattsun?”

Everything slowly comes together in Hajime’s mind. He can see it on Oikawa’s face, too, but he’s too busy being horrified as realization dawns on him.

He’s at a loss for words, and the others seem to have figured it out too, because Kyoutani jumps up and exclaims, “You were already together!” Hajime would tell him to calm down if he wasn’t busy banging his head on a brick in his head.

“Yep,” says Matsukawa.

“But—But—” Watari glances between the two of them, lost. “You didn’t tell us.”

“I mean, we didn’t need to tell you,” Hanamaki says defensively.

“Who knows how any of you would’ve reacted,” Matsukawa points out.

“I,” says Kunimi, “would have been a full supporter for you guys. Prior to this.”

“Oh, c’mon Kunimi-chan, don’t be like that.” Matsukawa walks over and slings his arm over his shoulder.

Kunimi frowns at Matsukawa’s hand. He picks it off. “Please don’t touch me until you’ve washed your hands,” he says.

“I can’t believe this,” Hajime says faintly. “The past weeks where we’ve locked you two together—”

“We figured it was either all scarily coincidental, or you guys just didn’t like us anymore.” Hanamaki shrugs.

“Please reconsider the second part of that,” says Yahaba.

“So,” says Oikawa, finally coming to. “So—that whole time—you guys have been—”

“Don’t finish that,” Hajime warns.

“Yep,” Hanamaki and Matsukawa say, at the same time.

Oikawa blinks.

“I think I’m going to need to do five hours of serving practice,” he says, before leaving the room.

Everyone else starts to file out of the room, muttering to themselves and vowing celibacy until the end of time. Hanamaki and Matsukawa chuckle on their way out, and Hanamaki passes Hajime on the way out while Matsukawa bends over to pick up his water bottle.

“Sorry ‘bout all the trouble,” Hanamaki says to Hajime. He turns his head a little, and his eyes flicker backwards.

“If you’re checking out Mattsun’s ass,” Hajime says. “Please don’t tell me.”

Hanamaki leans over.

“I’m checking out Mattsun’s ass,” he whispers.

Hajime roars and headbutts Hanamaki out of the room, earning a satisfying, “Ow!” and a near kick to the ankle. Behind them, Matsukawa closes the door and laughs.

When they get back to the gym, Oikawa asks, “So where exactly did you—” and Matsukawa replies that they christened every surface, every nook and cranny, and Hajime tells Oikawa that he’s getting Hajime’s things from the club room from now on. Then Matsukawa asks Hanamaki if he left his water bottle back there, and if he did, does he want company to go and get it. Hanamaki replies that he would love to, because he’s very thirsty.

Hajime forbids them from leaving together ever again.