Rating:

Mature

Category:

M/M

Fandom:

Free!

Relationship:

Makoto/Haru

Tags:

angst, canon divergent, character study, episode tag, fix-it fic, masturbation, relationship study

Stats:

Posted on:

2014-09-16

Words:

14,372

Haruka wakes up too warm, like a fever dream had snuck up on him while he’d been asleep. He shucks his blankets off at first, before his legs get too cold and he covers himself again. Inside there’s an endless stuttering, pangs feeling like his heart will be forced out of his throat at any moment. He can’t remember what he’d dreamt of while he’d been asleep—he remembers feelings of longing, of being forgotten, and Makoto’s face deeply engrained in the back of his eyelids.

It’s not entirely surprising. Makoto is just down the stairs outside his house, but they haven’t spoken in over twelve hours. Makoto at the least would come in at the morning to make sure Haruka hadn’t fallen asleep in the bath, or pruned up. Haruka doesn’t know what time it is. Sun shines bright from outside his window, but the blinds barely stream strips of light across the floor.

He tells himself it’s too early for Makoto to come by. Perhaps he will, like he always does.

Tears form at the corner of his eyes; Haruka hasn’t cried this much since he was in elementary school. Before the restraint had been out of pure will, that he wouldn’t allow himself to such dramatic gestures that wouldn’t be helpful in the long run. Now Haruka has no clue what would be helpful in the long run. He lets himself cry, tears seeping from his closed eyes, sinking delicately into his pillow. He only opens his eyes when he’s done.

Makoto’s visage is burned into his brain. Haruka’s too worn to cry even more, but the pain remains sinking. He needs a distraction, away from the empty cold air that surrounds, the lack of Makoto reaching out for him, hugging him. Haruka sneaks a hand into his pajama pants.

It’s not like he hasn’t jerked off to his best friend before; but now there’s the anguish that he can’t look forward to seeing Makoto later in the day. Haruka rubs forcefully and too hard, trying to get himself up until it’s painful. He tenses and the anticipation rises; he comes in a series of gasps and pants that sound entirely too loud in his isolated ears.

He’s exhausted, collapses beneath his blankets. His pants are sticky and messy and he doesn’t care. He curls up tighter, wondering if it’s better to spread himself out to fill the empty space, or to feel like the smallest thing in the world.

When Rin rings his doorbell, he hasn’t cleaned himself up yet. Looking at Rin surrounded by sunlight makes his eyes hurt. Maybe it’s much later than he though. Haruka’s eyes feel heavy.

His ears hurt, too, from Rin’s previous pestering at his doorbell. “Yo, Haru,” he says. “We’re going out.”

Haruka blinks.

“Hurry up and get ready,” instructs Rin, before turning away.

Haruka wishes he had the time to register all of Rin’s words, because his mind is so covered with Makoto and Haruka hasn’t thought about going out once, for the past day or so, except to see if Makoto was still upset at him. He probably would be. Haruka would deserve it.

But it’s Rin at his front door now, and Haruka asks him, “Go? Where?”

Rin looks back at him, and grins like some asshole. “Isn’t it obvious?” he says. “Australia!”

He wants to take Haruka on one of his dumb adventures. Haruka supposes he’s not too surprised; it’s just a magnified version of that one time when Rin made them all do a contest to see who could hold their breath the longest, for two hours. Rin tells Haruka that he had gotten a letter from one of his overseas friends inviting him to a practice for a week.

“What about the Samezuka swim team?” Haruka asks, trying to care about something other than Makoto right now.

“I gave them the week off.” Rin crosses his arms behind his head and stretches. “They can take a break, and I can go to Australia.” He laughs.

Haruka gives a smile that he knows looks entirely too forced. He tightens his grip around his duffle bag and remembers the conversation he’d had with Sousuke. He’s free to motivate Rin all he wants—not like Haruka needs Sousuke’s permission.

Makoto had told him to go out in the world and to find a goal, a dream. Traveling with Rin doesn’t seem like a sort of direction Haruka would’ve thought of. He rides the waves, allowing them to push him wherever he’s meant to go.

They take the train to the airport. Haruka realizes belatedly that while he has several days of clothing with him, he doesn’t have the money for a late notice plane ticket. “Rin,” he says, which jerks Rin out of his daze. “How am I getting to Australia?”

Rin looks dumbfounded. “You’re flying, dummy.”

“I don’t—” Haruka says. “I can’t afford a plane ticket…”

“Oh.” Rin grins. “Don’t worry about that, I got you covered. Already got a ticket for you.”

“With your own money?” Haruka doesn’t understand. All this effort… “You didn’t have to.”

“I wasn’t planning to,” Rin confesses. “And it wasn’t all on my own, so don’t worry about it. I got a little help.” He winks, and Haruka’s worry increases.

“Help?”

“Yeah. Makoto and I were talking the other day and I mentioned to him that I was going to Australia this week. He said that it would be good if you came along.”

A lump forms in Haruka’s throat. “Oh,” he says, because Rin had talked about Makoto like nothing was wrong.

“So he said that he would cover most of the expenses. I wouldn’t turn down dragging you to Australia with me especially if I didn’t have to pay for you.” Rin smirks. “Everyone wins.”

Haruka stays quiet. The last time he and Rin had a normal conversation was before they’d shouted at each other at the locker room during regionals—he doesn’t want to ruin something good like that again. He knows that they don’t have to talk about it to know that they’ve forgiven each other. Rin talking about Haruka’s future is something Haruka is still figuring out. And Haruka has been needlessly lashing out lately.

Why do you always have to stick your nose in everyone’s business!

Guilt rises in Haruka’s throat. He hadn’t meant that. He doesn’t mean it.

He wonders what Makoto is doing right now.

The flight to Australia is dull and long. Rin clicks through the movie menu until he finds one that he thinks both he and Haruka would like; Haruka turns down all of Rin’s suggestions at rom-coms so they settle on popular action movies. There’s also a Korean drama about swimming that both Haruka and Rin perk up at, so they watch that too.

Eventually Rin falls asleep and Haruka’s left alone to stare out the open window. Several hours have passed and the sun is beginning to sink. It glows through the blanket of clouds, which are like an ocean. Haruka wonders what it’s like to fly. Air isn’t like water; he flashes back to when they’d done the track relay. He thinks of Makoto.

Rin wakes up when their media screens say that they still have an hour left of the flight. He yawns and stretches and his knuckles make contact with the ceiling.

“That was a good nap,” he says, looking wide-awake. “You didn’t sleep, Haru?”

Haruka shakes his head. He’s tired, but the airplane noises roar in his ears. It’s not like the calm of the water.

“Oh well.” Rin shrugs and grins. “I can’t wait till we get off. I’m starving.”

A part of Haruka’s stomach feels like he should be hungry too, but the grief combined with the airplane’s atmosphere has killed his appetite.

“Sorry,” he says, remembering their conversation in the locker room again. The past few days feel like ghosts to him. “For shouting at you.”

Rin blinks and shakes his hair out of his eyes. Then he chuckles and says, “It’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay, but I understand. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you shout, too.”

Haruka bites his lip. “I’ve been doing that a lot.”

“What? Shouting?” Rin glances back at him. “Are you a new person? Who are you and what have you done with Haruka Nanase?”

“No.” Haruka sighs. Rin opens his mouth again, grinning; but closes it when he sees that Haruka isn’t done.

“I shouted at Makoto yesterday,” he says. “That’s why I’m surprised that you said that he told you to take me to Australia.”

“Well, he called me yesterday evening,” says Rin. “He told me you guys were about to go out and see the fireworks. He said that he was worried about you.”

“He is worried.” Haruka wishes he could unbuckle his seatbelt and curl up and hug himself. A part of him wants to take back everything that happened yesterday, do it again.

But Makoto had said things, too, about wanting Haruka to find a future, to just go out there and grab one as if it were that easy. It is none of his business, and then Haruka bites his bottom lip as punishment.

Rin looks like his silence is reaching its limit in favor of his curiosity. “So what did you shout at him about?”

“He was talking about how I should find a dream.” Haruka stares at the gap in the side of the window, holding the plastic into place. “And my future.”

Rin is silent for a moment. “Well you and I already talked about that,” he says, smile in his voice.

“He’s going to Tokyo.”

“Yeah,” says Rin, which causes Haruka to turn to him sharply. Rin looks surprised. “What? He didn’t tell you?”

“He told me yesterday while we were watching the fireworks…”

“He mentioned it when he called me,” says Rin. “But I would’ve thought—I dunno, I mean, I thought he would’ve told you first.”

“I don’t know when he made the decision.” Haruka goes back to staring outside the window again. “I don’t know.”

Rin rests a hand on Haruka’s shoulder. It’s not like Makoto and his smiles, suggestions on morning runs or insistences on sitting by the beach in the afternoons. But it’s like that, a little bit, and emotion pushes through Haruka’s throat.

“We’re going to go back and lose nationals and then Makoto will be off in Tokyo,” he spills out, and oh fuck, he’s actually crying now. “And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I’m coming to Australia with you.”

Rin’s touch turns into a caress against his arm, and Haruka leans the other way, into Rin. His head is on Rin’s shoulder, and Rin wraps his arm around him protectively.

“So we can swim and have fun,” Rin whispers into his ear. “Don’t worry about that sort of stuff. It doesn’t matter right now. Just think about yourself.”

Haruka could say that he’s grateful for Rin, but the space by his side feels too empty and too cold. When they finally land, he gets up and his legs feel like jelly and he wishes he’d slept. Rin grabs their carryon before they follow the line to leave. Lethargy wins over any excitement Haruka could’ve felt about being in a new country, and all he wants to do is sleep.

The slight displacement wavers when Haruka realizes that most of the sights and sounds in the airport are in English. Rin easily gets them through immigration and customs, because he’d made Haruka drudge up his nearly expired visa from before their middle school race, back when they’d first started seriously talking about Haruka coming to Australia to visit Rin. Now it’s happening. Haruka has a hole in his chest.

The Sydney Airport is big and bright, distracting Haruka for a moment. Dim sunlight streams through the overhead windows. Haruka doesn’t realize he’s slowed until he hears Rin’s voice calling for him.

“Haru! Don’t linger, we wouldn’t want you to get lost.”

Rin has his bag over his shoulder, Haruka’s in his free hand. Haruka jogs to catch up with him.

“I wouldn’t get lost,” he says. “You would just leave me behind.”

“Yeah, because you’re not paying any attention, dummy.” Rin flicks Haruka’s ear, catching him off-guard. “We were emo enough on the plane. Hurry up so we can get to our hotel. You look tired.”

“How are we going to get to our hotel?” Haruka asks.

“Taxi, duh. But dinner first. Or maybe hotel and then room service.” Rin’s eyes light up in excitement. “Oh yeah, and I can buy wine here legally now! Before my older teammates would get us some, but I can totally buy it through room service.”

“Whatever you want,” Haruka says, following him past baggage claim.

Rin shoves Haruka’s bag at him. “Here,” he says. “Carry your own shit.”

Haruka starts pulling his suitcase along, dragging his feet. His entire body feels sore.

“You’re so slow,” Rin complains. They’re heading toward the exit. Haruka wishes he could tell his body to move faster.

“You’re the one who gave me my bag back.”

“Yeah, ’cause I don’t wanna carry your stuff!” Rin says. “C’mon, we need to get a taxi.”

Haruka slumps against his things. “It’s too much effort.”

“You’re too much effort. Jesus.” Rin grabs Haruka’s suitcase and lugs it along again. “There. Now will you hurry up?”

It doesn’t take them very long before they’ve got a taxi, and they’re on their way to their hotel. Rin rattles off in slighted English to the cab driver, probably giving him directions or making conversation. Haruka struggles to keep his eyes open. He can’t sleep yet, not until they get to the hotel.

Once they do, Haruka stands behind, slightly dazed, as Rin checks them in and makes jokes with the hotel receptionist that Haruka can’t understand. A bellhop shows them to their room, and Rin says something in English before the bellhop leaves.

“You learned more English than I thought,” Haruka reflects as he sits down on a bed.

“‘Course I did, I was here for five years.” Rin’s flipping through a booklet, probably the hotel’s room service menu.

Haruka watches; Rin’s good company, useful for distraction. What Haruka wouldn’t give for Makoto to be in Rin’s place right now, and then Haruka shakes the thought off. That’s not fair for Rin, who cares about him too—not much, and perhaps not in the same way. But he, like Makoto, wants what’s best for Haruka, as well as himself.

Someone knocks at the door and Rin jumps up eagerly. “There it is,” he says, and Haruka hears him open up the door. “Thank you! Yes, you can charge it to our room.” He comes back from the doorway with a tall bottle in one hand and two glasses in the other.

“Australian wine,” he says to Haruka, handing him a glass. “Try some.”

Haruka accepts the glass and lets Rin pour him a drink, because Rin looks so excited. Haruka takes a sip. It tastes strong and vaguely sour.

What he wouldn’t give for him and Makoto to be under those fireworks again, apologizing, doing over. Haruka burrows into bed as Rin picks up the phone and begins ordering room service. Haruka’s headspace grows smaller and smaller as drowsiness overtakes him. The image behind his eyelids is Makoto.

He falls asleep quicker than he would like.

*

The first time Haruka wakes up, it’s dark. He can hear Rin’s snores from the bed beside him. His stomach is painfully empty and his eyes feel too dry.

Haruka sits up. There’s some food on the table near the window, presumably from Rin’s takeout. Thoughtfully a dish of mackerel is on the side, untouched, and Haruka goes for it. There are forks instead of the chopsticks Haruka is used to, but that just allows him to eat quicker. He grabs some of the veggies and Rin’s leftover pasta, before he feels satisfied. He walks back over to his bed and falls asleep immediately.

The second time Haruka wakes up, he’s sweating and the image of Makoto’s eyes, uncharacteristically cold, is burned into his mind. Haruka tries to make sense of the sensation: had he had a nightmare? The guilt from sleep, some sort of fearful hopelessness grips at him.

He curls up and tries to think of now, tries to make himself feel better. But now doesn’t do that—he hasn’t spoken to Makoto in over a day, Makoto wants for him, and Haruka wants nothing. He doesn’t want anything except to be free, for him and Makoto to travel in the same path, and now he won’t have that anymore.

Makoto swims first, backstroke, in relays, and Haruka’s freestyle is last. How could he have ever thought that they would go in the same direction?

Tears aren’t as comforting as the water you swim in. Haruka curls up beneath his blankets and comforter, trying to forget his dream, trying to forget now. Rin is still snoring.

Sleep is the easiest way to forget.

The third time he wakes up, he hears Rin’s loud chatty voice. At first Haruka thinks he’s talking to him, before he hears Rin waiting for minutes and then replying. Haruka turns over.

Rin isn’t in his bed, and his voice drifts from the alcove near the doorway.

“Why did you think that was a good idea?” he’s saying sharply. “At least don’t tell him last, Makoto!”

Haruka freezes. He wishes he could go back to sleep. Makoto’s name rings loudly in his ears and painfully, eagerly, he listens on.

There’s another pause, and then Rin says, “Yeah, but—if you knew that he was coming with me to Australia—”

He gets cut off. Haruka wonders what Makoto’s saying on the other end. What Makoto sounds like. It’s not like Haruka’s forgotten. It’s only been two days. He can’t forget.

Then Rin actually chuckles. “It’s unlike you,” he says. “But you can’t be spontaneous with everything except for telling Haru. He’s so out of it that he practically gave me a speech yesterday on the plane.”

Makoto must’ve asked about him, because then Rin’s saying, “He’s been… a mess, definitely. He’s still asleep, actually. I should wake him up soon. It’s almost noon.”

Their conversation continues with only Rin’s end going, “Just an hour difference,” and, “Swimming, so you better not slack off for nationals,” but Haruka’s mind is such a mess that it’s hard to focus. He could jump up and grab the phone from Rin’s hands and say sorry, right now. Makoto is there, reachable—if only Haruka could get up and grab him. He doesn’t want this. He just wants this rift to be over.

I’m going to a university in Tokyo. But maybe Makoto doesn’t want to talk to him. To be around him. Maybe that’s why he’d made his decision and told Haruka last. Haruka can’t force Makoto to want him anymore.

It’s only fair, as Makoto had never forced him to be or do anything for him.

Eventually he hears Rin say, “Alright, goodbye, I’ll stop draining your money with my international plan,” and clicks his cellphone off. His footsteps shuffle back out of the alcove. Haruka feels a weight at the end of his bed.

Rin shakes Haruka’s leg through the blankets. “C’mon, get up, lazy ass,” he says. “You can’t sleep all day.”

“Nh.” Haruka tries to make it sound like he’s been sleeping. He is still a bit tired.

“I see that you ate the food last night,” Rin comments. “Mackerel okay?”

Haruka makes a noise of approval. “Not as good as Japan’s, though,” he adds.

Rin chuckles. “Of course not,” he says. “Well, you have to eat again, since it’s almost lunch time. And then we can go swimming.”

Swimming does sound okay. Haruka’s entire body aches, but it might be better to just soak in the water, anyway.

“Maybe,” he says.

Rin laughs. “This is the first time you haven’t said an instant yes to swimming, isn’t it? I’m not letting you lie around in bed all day.”

“I’m not your responsibility.” Haruka rolls over.

He hears Rin sigh, before there are hands attempting to tug him back over. “For the week you are,” he says. “Stop being a baby and get up.”

“I’m not being a baby.” Haruka stares into space.

“You’re not,” Rin relents. “You’re just sad. But I’m not going to let you be sad forever. So get up.”

Eventually Haruka does get out of bed, takes a shower and changes into clothes that aren’t two days old. The vague airplane smell disappears, and he feels refreshed, though still tired.

Rin leads them out and to a restaurant sort of near the hotel. The servers greet him with a sense of familiarity that Haruka can’t understand, though he suspects that Rin has been to this restaurant several times before.

“I picked our hotel because it’s near this restaurant,” he says. He picks up the wine he’d ordered and tilts it toward Haruka. “Cheers.”

It comes back to him, how Rin had come to Australia originally for competitive swimming, how he’s still going to that goal. Rin had spent five years in a different country because he’d known what he wanted to do with his life—even though it isn’t going in the direction he’d anticipated, it’s still going.

“What’re you going to do?” he asks Rin. “After graduation.”

Rin glances up thoughtfully. “Depending on how nationals turn out,” he says. “If I get scouted by someone really good, then definitely go to them. Otherwise I’ll probably come back here and train more.”

“The last time you came to Australia, you got jaded,” Haruka observes.

Rin shrugs. “I had issues,” he says. “We all have our issues. I can leave them behind.”

“So,” says Haruka. “You’re not coming to Australia for sure afterward?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t want me to come because you’ll miss me.” It sounds like it’s coming out of left field, but sometimes Haruka forgets how well Rin knows him. “You’re getting cheesy on me, Haru.”

“Sorry,” says Haruka, and Rin laughs.

“So what are we doing in Australia, anyway?”

“A friend invited me to practice,” says Rin. “If that’s what you want to call it. He’s one of the kids I trained with while I was here. He said that he found connections to Olympic coaches who’re gonna come by and watch them train, and it might be a good opportunity for me.”

“Olympic…”

Haruka stares at his water. It wouldn’t be hard, imagining Rin as an Olympic swimmer. He’s been talking so much about it, ever since middle school. It’s hard believing it might happen, though.

“I’m not really banking on it, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen my teammates here, so it might be fun.” Rin grins.

Haruka says, “They’ll probably realize you’ve become a different person.”

“What?” Rin squawks.

“You’ve been moody since you were thirteen and probably haven’t contacted anyone from Australia since you came back,” Haruka points out. “You mentioned that you hadn’t done too well while you’d been in Australia, because of your love for relays—”

Rin has a blush that’s rising past his cheeks to his ears, and he interrupts, “Shut up!” to which Haruka blinks, amused. “I did start contacting them after our one relay. Well, one, really. He’s the one who invited me here.”

“So you did make a friend?”

“Former teammate. He’s the only one who replied to my postcards and emails.”

Haruka supposes he’s a bit curious to find out who this former teammate is. Perhaps he could find someone new to grow interested in, attached to. “What’s his name?”

“Brown,” says Rin. “We’re meeting up with him after lunch, actually. You’ll like him.”

Haruka isn’t quite sure what kind of people Rin thinks he likes. Sousuke’s too intense for him and Kisumi’s too energetic, but he’s still friends with Nagisa.

Lunch is burgers and fries, which Haruka isn’t too interested in but Rin eats enthusiastically. When they’re done, Rin wipes his greasy mouth with his napkin and says, “Check’s on me.” Haruka’s nearly forgotten that they have to pay for food.

Afterward, Rin hails a cab and gives directions to what Haruka assumes is his former swim club. He stares out the window as Rin makes friendly conversation with the driver. Haruka can see the Sydney Opera House from here. The city is big and noisy and cluttered with buildings. Haruka imagines that when Makoto goes to Tokyo, it’ll be something like this.

His chest hurts.

“We’re here,” Rin says when the taxi comes to its final stop. He thanks the driver in English and pays, before he and Haruka get out.

“Wow…”

Rin’s former swim club is gigantic, bigger than the pool at regionals and much bigger than the one at prefecturals. Its roof is open today because it’s sunny and clear, but Haruka can see where it would close if the weather wouldn’t permit. He can already hear the faint sounds of water splashing. Every inch of his skin yearns to bask in the water.

“Haru!” says Rin, jerking him out of his daze.

Haruka glances down. He’s already subconsciously started stripping his trousers off.

Rin tsks. “You’re wearing your swimsuit?”

Haruka shrugs. Honestly, he can’t remember putting it on this morning either. “Habit,” he says.

Rin shakes his head, and then says, “Well, it is why we’re here anyway. Let’s go. You can start swimming while I get changed in the locker rooms like a normal person.”

So that’s what they do, and soon enough Haruka’s lying in the middle of the biggest pool he’s ever been in, feeling his skin soak up the water. He’s in his own lane and it’s partially public communal, so no one can yell at him for not doing anything. Well, there’s Rin, who looks at him incredulously when he comes out of the locker room, and shouts, “What the hell are you doing?”

Haruka doesn’t answer. Rin just makes an annoyed sound before hopping into a lane and starting laps.

Is this what Makoto sees when he does backstroke? The clear of the sky, sunlight bright against his cheeks. Before, Haruka would float, thinking of his future; now he can only think of Makoto, as if they were different. The water feels more like a blanket than a bed, protecting, and backstroke is moving through it, letting the water caress you. Haruka moves his arms, like windmills, like watermills pushing through the water for energy.

He remembers when Makoto had wanted to race him in freestyle, had lost to him in freestyle. Makoto would probably say that Haruka could beat him in backstroke, but it’s not Haruka’s place—he wants to sink in the water, not see the sky.

He glides through the water, stops, closes his eyes. Perhaps Makoto is lying in the water as well, staring at the same sky. If Haruka opens his eyes, he’ll be looking at the sun; if he turns on his stomach, he’ll be looking through the water. All he wants to look at right now is Makoto.

*

Haruka meets Rin’s friend, Brown, later that afternoon, and he invites them to swim again for the rest of the week. Brown is smiley and cheery and even though they can’t understand each other, Haruka can understand by expression and tone that Brown thinks he’s a good swimmer. Haruka gives equal compliments for him: Brown executes perfect dives, and has fierce, precise timing with his kicks and strokes during breaststroke, could probably match Nagisa.

So they do go the next day, when Haruka wakes up earlier and Rin, taken with wine and room service, treats them to just that for breakfast. Rin drinks more wine than him, properly (in small sips) unlike Haruka (gulps which make him hiccough and give up). When they get to the swim club later, though, Rin seems fine while Haruka’s stomach is unsettled.

“I don’t feel well,” he tells Rin as they meet up with Brown and his friends.

“What? Are you alright?” Rin’s eyebrows are furrowed in worry.

Brown asks, presumably about him, in English, and Rin answers. As their conversation goes on, Rin looks increasingly more anxious.

“Is it because of the wine from this morning?” he asks Haruka, finally. “Oh god, it’s probably that, isn’t it.”

“I don’t know,” Haruka says, although honestly he’s pretty sure Rin’s right. “I can’t—” He makes a nauseated noise and clutches at his stomach. The rest of the boys stand back.

Haruka stares at the water forlornly. He doesn’t want to taint it with the gross innards of his stomach.

“Maybe you should go back to the locker room,” Rin suggests, and Haruka nods.

Rin and Brown guide him in. As soon as Haruka sees a toilet in an empty stall, he runs over to it and pukes in the bowl.

“Sorry,” Rin says, and grins sheepishly, scratching his head. Brown shoves him, and Haruka would too. Instead he spits into the toilet again. “That was my fault for not watching how much wine you drink.”

Brown says something Haruka doesn’t understand, and Rin says in English, “Hey!” which Haruka does understand.

“What did he say?” he asks.

Rin’s face is red. “Nothing important.”

“Whatever he said, I agree with.”

“He said that I shouldn’t have gotten any alcohol for you in the first place.”

“I agree with that.”

Haruka feels fine after washing his face and rinsing out his mouth. Even though Rin and the others try to warn him against going into the water after he’s thrown up—and it’s not as effective, when the pasty white kids are trying to scold him in English—he swims several laps of freestyle in the morning anyway.

When he’s finishing one of his laps, he sees a kid at the end of his lane waiting for him. Haruka pushes his goggles up and stands in the water.

The kid asks him something, timidly. Haruka just stares at him.

Rin swims through the lanes over to him. “Haru?” he says, glancing between them. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know.” Haruka gestures to the kid.

The kid says something to Rin, and Rin chuckles. “He just wants to race you in freestyle,” he says. “That’s all. He says that you’re really fast.”

“Thank you,” Haruka says, in English.

He gets a blush and a “You’re welcome!” in response, which is practically the extent of English that Haruka knows.

They race against each other. Haruka wins, because he’s probably older; when they’re done, the kid thanks him enthusiastically. And after seeming to think about it, he bows. It’s a funny sight and Rin, who’s watching from the next lane over, laughs.

Haruka does his best not to think about how Makoto would be proud, be endeared by someone who wanted to race against Haruka individually, like Makoto had once, without having a chance. Haruka tries not to think the same way he doesn’t try to think about how Makoto would’ve been hovering over him, worried, while Haruka had been puking earlier today, how the space by his side and in his head and heart had been filled before.

Swimming isn’t the most effective distraction, because his time in the water was spent with Makoto often before; but it’s better than nothing. The water pillows the grief more than curing anything. As Haruka races against some of Rin’s other friends the next day, he gets flashes to his 200m against Makoto earlier this year. The water that comes from his eyes slips unnoticed into the pool.

The Australian kids compliment him again, even though Haruka can’t understand them. Their enthusiastic voices and grins are enough.

There are other kids, though, who watch Haruka warily, like he’s about to take an Olympic gold medal from them. Haruka doesn’t worry about them until they come up to him and aggressively start rambling in English. The only things Haruka understands are random curse words, because of the time in middle school Nagisa had wanted to learn swears in English.

Rin scolds the Australian kids away, but they persist. “They want to race you, too,” Rin says to Haruka in Japanese, reluctantly.

Haruka shrugs. “Sure.”

Rin’s frown deepens. “They’re currently being scouted by international level coaches,” he says. “Are you sure—”

“I don’t care if I win or lose, I just want to swim,” says Haruka. “If they want to swim against me, I’m fine with it.”

So they race and Haruka earnestly tries, he does. But he loses and his competitor squawks in victory as Haruka touches the wall. Then, to Haruka’s surprise, he reaches out to shake his hand.

“Good game.”

Haruka takes it. Rin, who’d been watching from the bleachers, comes over to them. As the other kid climbs out of the water, Rin says to Haruka, “You swam well.”

“Thanks.” Haruka settles into the water. “He did, too.”

Rin chuckles. “Olympic level, y’know? Here, lemme help you out.” He sticks out his hand.

Haruka stares at it.

“It’s okay,” he says. “I think I’ll swim a bit more.”

They stop around noon for lunch. Rin lets Haruka choose this time, so Haruka elects a restaurant on the Sydney boardwalk. It’s seafood and the mackerel there is better than the restaurant’s, even though Rin’s a little unimpressed by the fish and chips. Haruka tells him it’s only because he’d ordered the food in the first place.

“Shut up.” Rin throws a fry at him.

When they’re done, Haruka instinctively heads for the beach, even though Rin starts away from the boardwalk. “Where are you going?”

Haruka shrugs. “Thought it’d be nice to look at the ocean for a bit.”

Rin observes him for a moment, then goes along with it.

The beach is littered with people here and there, mostly on the sand than in the water. Haruka and Rin manage to find a nice section anyhow, away from most and with a clear sound of the ocean. It’s overcast today, off-white clouds crowding the sky. Haruka settles on the ground. The texture is harder than back home. Rin sits down next to him.

“How are you feeling?” Rin asks quietly.

Haruka doesn’t answer. He sifts his fingers through the sand, grabs a handful. Lets it slip between his fingertips.

Rin sighs. “I suppose I didn’t expect you to feel better in like, three days,” he says. “At least you’ve been sleeping and swimming.”

Haruka nods. “It’s just kind of,” he says, “hard to forget, when. Someone close stops talking to you.”

“Well you’ve stopped talking to him, too, haven’t you?” Rin shoots him a pointed look. “Haru, have you tried communicating with him since you fought?”

“He… might not want me to.”

“And he also might think that you might not want him to talk to you, which is why he hasn’t tried, either!”

Haruka stares at his knees. “That’s not untrue,” he says, finally.

Rin moves closer to him. “Be honest with me, Haru,” he says. “What’s the real problem here?”

Haruka’s chest tightens, and he inhales, which only makes his eyes water. He focuses on staring out into the ocean.

“I just don’t want Makoto to leave me,” he says, “and I don’t want to leave Rei, and Nagisa, and I don’t want to have a future, I don’t want things to change. I just want things to be the way they are, and I don’t want to think about what it might be like to have a dream, or a goal, o-or anything.”

He’s crying now, real actual tears, that he hides with his fringe. He buries his face into his legs.

“I can’t imagine Makoto leaving me, b-but.” Haruka hiccups. His voice is hoarse from speaking so quickly. “I want him to stay forever, but he’s leaving me.”

Rin is quiet. Haruka can imagine him deliberating what to say, like, you’re being selfish, Haru, or, he’s not leaving you, he’s just going off on his own. Eventually Rin just settles for wrapping an arm around Haruka, like he’d done on the plane.

“S-Sorry.” Haruka’s voice is still raspy.

“You better be sorry, I’m practically crying because you are.” Rin’s voice is thick, giving him away, and Haruka can’t help smiling into his sleeve.

Rin pats him with his hand. “What are your feelings on Makoto, anyway?” he asks.

Haruka lifts up his head and thinks. “I want to be with him,” he decides. “I… enjoy being with him more than I’m used to him. I like him.”

When he looks up, Rin’s eyes are a little wide. “And here I was just trying to see if this was an excessive amount of codependency,” he says. “But I guess it’s not like you and me, where we feed into each other’s energies.”

“Yeah.” Haruka tucks his chin into his arms again. “Makoto’s different. I miss him.”

Rin’s grip around him tightens. Haruka glances up; Rin looks deep in thought, like something in his mind has clicked into place.

They stare out at the ocean in silence. After a bit, Rin takes his arm off Haruka and stands up. “We better get going,” he says, stretching.

Haruka gets up with him. “Swimming?”

“Nah. You seem too bummed for that.”

“I’m always in the mood to swim.”

“Well I’m not, alright? Your angst has killed my practice vibes. Now all I wanna do is relays.”

Haruka tilts his head. “Sorry?”

“Nah, it’s fine. Let’s just hang out.” Rin starts toward the boardwalk. “I’ve only been around out to explore a bit before. We can just sightsee around Sydney. Oh, and if you want to buy anything, just let me know. Because I’ll have to approve of it, first.”

So that’s what most of their afternoon consists of, hunting through downtown Sydney for exciting foods and stores and things to do. Rin almost suggests going to the opera house, but Haruka’s too captivated by the boutiques and tourists traps to care for it. If he were Rei he might want to go, because of what Haruka’s seen of the opera house, it does look really wonderful. But the tacky tourist fashion and the occasional fish tank that they pass by have Haruka’s attention more.

He tries not to think too much of prefecturals, both this year and last year’s, scouring the small cities with Nagisa and Rei and Makoto. Tries not to think of Makoto exploring through Tokyo next year on his own. Tries.

*

In the evening, Rin selects what they eat for dinner, not seafood to Haruka’s disappointment. Rin orders alcohol like the loser he is, and Haruka settles with just water for drink.

They get dessert because Rin insists so. The pastry is more impressive than the meal. As they eat, Rin’s cellphone goes off.

“Wonder who that could be.” Rin frowns, and pulls his phone out. “Gou?”

He answers the call and presses a button; next thing Haruka knows, he’s hearing loud voices of, “Hello Rin-chan!” and “Rin-senpai!” and “Onii-chan!” coming from the phone’s speaker. Rin laughs. A bunch of people turn to glare at them.

“Maybe you shouldn’t put that on speaker,” Haruka suggests.

Nagisa’s voice asks, “Haru-chan? Is that you?”

Rin says, “Like I give a shit. I don’t think any of them have international plans, anyway, so it won’t be too long.”

“I missed hearing the sound of your voice,” Aiichiro pipes up. “How are you, Rin-senpai? How’s Australia?”

“Pretty good.” Rin chuckles again. “You guys missed me so much that you’re willing to pay big bucks to call me? I come back in a few days, y’know.”

“What’s Nanase doing there?” asks Sousuke’s deep voice.

Rin glances at Haruka. Haruka shrugs.

“We’re training together,” Rin answers. “Australian swimming regimen, and all that.”

“Ooh!” says Rei. “Are you both aiming to be Olympic swimmers? The rivalry would be wonderful!”

“Well I mean, I am. I always am,” says Rin.

Haruka stifles a laugh into his cake.

“I hope you’re having fun, onii-chan,” says Gou. “Bring me back souvenirs and presents.”

“I will, I will.” Rin gives his phone a fond look. “I’ll bring you back entire kangaroos, and—whatever else they have here.”

“The opera house,” says Nagisa eagerly. “Bring back the entire opera house!”

Haruka asks, “Is Makoto there?”

Rin stares at Haruka.

Rei says, “No, he told us he was busy. We’re all at Rin-senpai and Gou-san’s house! It’s very nice here.”

“Do you want us to give Makoto a message?” Nagisa doesn’t sound worried, just that he’s willing to help, like he always does. Makoto evidently hasn’t told anyone about their fight.

“No.” Haruka goes back to his cake.

Rin continues watching Haruka for a moment, before saying into the phone, “Well, we better go, you losers. I don’t want to waste your money on this call, Gou.”

“And we don’t want to annoy the other people in this restaurant further,” Haruka adds in.

“Okay!” says Gou, as the others offer their variations of goodbye to the both of them. “Bye, onii-chan!”

“Bye, Gou.”

Rin hangs up, and eats the last forkful of his dessert. Haruka’s already done. Rin quickly pays, and as they walk out, some young man makes a scathing remark towards them that Haruka can’t understand. Rin retorts in English.

“C’mon.” Haruka hooks his arm around Rin’s.

Rin legitimately looks like he wants to fight the other guy. “He said something racist about us! He said—”

“That’s his problem.”

Rin pushes back and glances at Haruka, but as soon as he sees his face, he stops. Haruka lets go of him.

“We should go back to the hotel.”

They do. Rin calls the shower first but it doesn’t make a difference to Haruka; maybe Rin had a momentary lapse of memory and forgot that Haruka only takes morning baths. So Rin goes into the bathroom and Haruka lies on his bed.

He doesn’t know why he asked about Makoto, wishes he hadn’t. Now they’ll tell Makoto. Now Makoto will know how useless and needy Haruka is without him. Here he is, countries away, and still thinking about Makoto. Still hurting.

Haruka closes his eyes. Maybe if he doesn’t think about it, it’ll go away. Maybe he needs a different sort of distraction.

Easily, he tugs his jeans and swimsuit off. His hand goes around his dick immediately, and thinking about trying not to think about Makoto gets him half-hard anyway, because Makoto’s face flashes into his head. He can hear the water run from Rin’s shower, and remembers sharing a room with Makoto during prefecturals, regionals, Makoto showering, too. Back muscles tensing and relaxing, his shoulders, his arms…

Makoto’s big, has always been bigger than Haruka; even when he was younger, he remembers being amazed at Makoto’s ability to lift him out of the water effortlessly with one hand. He’s warm and enveloping in the rare occasion Haruka’s comfortable enough to accept a hug from him in public (in comparison to Rin, who doesn’t ask but only does it rarely.) In the often occasion when they’re alone or spend the night, though, Makoto practically begs to wrap himself around Haruka, and Haruka usually complies. Haruka imagines himself like the texture of water, not easy to hold. But over the years, Makoto’s found a solid grasp on him.

Haruka’s rubs and thrusts grow erratic; this attempt at distracting is not helping. But he can feel the heat rising, feel himself tense, doesn’t want to come to soon. Makoto’s the only person he ever jerks off to, in all honesty, but the emptiness and longing make his climax actually hurt. Makoto’s face when Haruka had yelled at him flashes in his face and Haruka squeezes tears out onto his pillow. He comes with a jolt, a desire to feel his comfort again, a desperate, desperate gasp of, “Makoto.”

Haruka’s hand and shirt are messy. He ought to clean himself up before Rin finds him like this, but his limbs are so tired and Makoto feels too far away. Haruka exhales and grabs for the tissue box at the nightstand. He wipes his fingers off.

Rin’s shower is still running. Haruka gives himself a little bit, before getting up to put his pajamas on. He grabs his swimsuit and pants from the edge of the bed, and strips his t-shirt off. As he browses through his bag for clean underwear, a door opens and then there’s a yelp.

“Ah! Haru, warn me next time, will you?” Rin’s coming out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. He’s shielding his eyes.

“Oh. Sorry.” Haruka realizes that unlike Rin, he is actually completely stark naked.

He finds clean underwear and shoves his dirty clothes into the laundry bag. “You’re good,” he says to Rin.

Rin uncovers his face and goes to his bag, too. “Jesus,” he says. “I did not expect that.”

“Sorry,” Haruka says again.

“It’s okay,” assures Rin. “I mean, it’s not every day you walk out of the shower to see one of your friends naked. Like, butt-naked.”

When they’re done changing, Haruka climbs back into bed. He burrows himself under his covers this time, waiting to shut down and fall asleep.

Rin shuts off the light. Then, to his surprise, he sits at the edge of Haruka’s bed instead of going into his own.

“Want to talk about today?” he says. “That thing you mentioned with Makoto?”

“When?” Haruka’s voice is muffled through the blankets.

Rin shrugs. “When we were on the beach. When we were on the phone. Whenever.”

Haruka turns away. “Not really.”

“That’s okay.” Rin doesn’t move from Haruka’s bed. After a bit, he asks, “Is there anything I can do?”

Haruka wishes there was something Rin could do. Haruka wishes that he could do something for himself.

“I just miss Makoto,” he says, and hides deeper into his blankets. “I miss him when he used to—touch me.” It sounds stupid, coming out of his mouth.

“I can touch you, if you want me to,” Rin offers. And then, “Oh god, that sounds so creepy. You know what I mean.”

Haruka nods. Then: “That’s okay, if you don’t mind.”

“Alright?” One of Rin’s hands finds Haruka’s face under the covers. “This okay?”

“Mm.” Haruka shrugs passively.

Rin asks, “What else does Makoto do that you miss? Not that I think that I can replace him, but, y’know, I just want you to feel better.”

Haruka thinks for a moment. “He cuddles me when he sleeps over,” he says. “Sometimes he does it while he’s sleeping and doesn’t know. Other times he likes to spoon.”

“I can do that,” says Rin, and then he’s lying next to Haruka on his bed, trying to push his covers off. “Get those out of the way so I can do this properly.”

“You don’t—”

“I have to, and I will,” says Rin, “or else you’d probably be sulking ten times worse for the rest of the trip.”

“You don’t know that.”

“It’s not a risk I’m willing to take. So how do you do this?”

Haruka stares at him. Rin looks determined, like he does before a race.

“Just—be on the outside,” says Haruka. “That’s where Makoto usually is. He likes to put his face in my hair. His arm is usually around my waist. And I just—face the other way.”

“Got it.”

Rin curls up, and Haruka curls up against him. Rin is mostly sharpness and angles, the opposite of Makoto, who’s more plush and soft. Rin throws his arm around Haruka, though it lies more across his chest, foreign.

“What the hell do you do with the other arm?” Haruka can hear Rin flopping his left arm uselessly.

“Makoto puts it above our heads,” Haruka answers.

So Rin tries that, except he’s not as big as Makoto so his arms aren’t as long. He ends up hitting Haruka in the head.

“Sorry,” says Rin. “Dammit, I guess I’ll just lie on it.” Haruka hears him adjust, Rin’s arm incidentally pushing Haruka tighter against his chest. “So, is this right?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“It doesn’t feel as intimate to me.” Rin actually swings a leg around Haruka’s. “There.”

“I don’t think that’s right.”

“Oh my god, fine.” Rin actually brings his outer arm around Haruka’s middle, where Makoto usually puts his, moving the other one so that his hands interlock around Haruka’s waist. His head is closer to Haruka now, and his breath is hot on Haruka’s neck. “Better?”

“I’m not sure.”

They lie still for a moment.

“This fucking hurts.” Rin tugs his arm out from under Haruka. “How d’you guys do it? Being the big spoon sucks.”

“We can try switching,” Haruka suggests.

“You wouldn’t mind it?”

Haruka shakes his head. He’s been big spoon with Makoto before, like last year after the ocean scare, and just a few times before when Makoto’s asked. Cuddling with him that way makes Makoto feel like a big teddy bear. Haruka’s throat drops.

He shakes off the thought, and then he and Rin turn around so that he gets a face full of red hair. He puts his outer arm around Rin’s torso, leaves the other on his side beneath him. Rin’s sigh sounds content. “This is much better.”

They’re like that for a bit, before Haruka throws his arm off. “I can’t be big spoon with you,” he says. “It’s too weird.”

“We’re almost the same size, anyway,” Rin says. “And Makoto’s, like, fucking huge.”

Haruka blushes at the statement, but Rin’s still turned away and it’s dark so he can’t see.

“Maybe there are more ways we can do this,” Haruka says.

They try with Rin putting an arm under his own head as the big spoon, and then away from him on the other side of his body, which Rin says gives him cramps after a bit. In the end they give up, though Rin stays in Haruka’s bed.

“If it makes you feel better,” Rin says, looking at him in the dark.

Haruka’s facing him, and he nods. Faint light glints off Rin’s teeth when he smiles.

“Good,” says Rin. “You deserve happiness, I think.”

Haruka doesn’t care about happiness. He doesn’t care about what he deserves. He just wants Makoto.

But he has Rin here, and it’s still okay. He tries to smile back.

“Thanks.”

*

His side is empty when he wakes up. It’s another thing that Rin can’t replace; when Makoto sleeps over, Haruka’s usually the one to wake up first. Haruka rolls over and feels the space where Rin had slept. It’s cold. Perhaps Rin had gotten up in the middle of night and went to his own bed. But Rin’s bed doesn’t look slept in.

Rin might just be cold-blooded.

Haruka lazes around the hotel room for a bit, gets changed into his swimsuit and day clothes. When Rin finally comes back, Haruka’s resorted to the tv, flipping through the channels.

“Anything interesting on?” Rin asks.

Haruka shrugs. He’s particularly captivated by a documentary on otters. They float through waters on their backs, holding hands.

“Wanna go swimming?” Rin suggests, and Haruka turns off the tv immediately.

They’re pretty used to seeing the Olympic trainers watching them, and Haruka actually gets approached being told that he could be a future prospect today. Haruka hesitates and stutters before Rin whisks him off, but mostly because the trainer had been speaking in English and the only things Haruka knows how to say with confidence are the standard “thank you” and “toilet” and “swim” and “freestyle,” and an assortment of lyrics from western pop songs that he doesn’t think would help with answering the trainer’s questions.

“I don’t know who that guy is, and you can’t swim for Australia anyway,” Rin tells him. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you trying to steal my spotlight?”

“Of course not!” Rin actually looks offended at the idea. After a beat, he says, “Are you teasing me, Haru? You’re teasing me!”

Haruka turns away. He’s smiling.

Rin’s phone chirps when they leave for lunch. Rin puts his towel down on the locker room bench, and checks the notification.

“Oh,” he says. “Okay. Um, Haru?”

Haruka puts his towel in his bag and looks at him.

“Don’t kill me, okay,” says Rin, “but Makoto’s going to call soon, and I kind of told him he should talk to—you.”

“What.” The words zoom through his ears. Haruka’s brain doesn’t want to even process the information.

“This is probably the longest you two haven’t talked,” says Rin. “I mean, willfully, not because of inconvenience. It’s kind of unhealthy.”

“He doesn’t have an international phone plan.”

“He’s willing to pay extra to talk to you.”

“He’s willing to pay extra because you told him to talk to me.”

Haruka’s ears are ringing. He wants to shout at Rin, but gets nasty flashbacks to the regionals freestyle race. His stomach churns.

“Just go with it, okay?” Rin’s voice is soft, like he’s remembered it too. He’d shouted at Haruka in the first place that time, after all. “I don’t even think Makoto’s mad at you, just—confused. And hurt.”

“Well so am I.”

“God, just—”

Rin’s phone starts ringing then, probably a good thing for the both of them. Rin thrusts it at Haruka. “Here.”

Haruka has every instinct to cancel the call and throw Rin’s phone out the window. That way Rin can’t try to make him talk to Makoto anymore.

He exhales heavily, and picks up.

“Rin?” comes Makoto’s voice, right next to his ear.

It’s been so long since Haruka last heard him that Makoto sounds like a stranger. His voice has its usual pitch and smoothness. Haruka can’t pinpoint if he sounds more worried or nervous.

“It’s Haruka,” he says. He sounds shaky in his own ears.

“Haru!”

Haruka doesn’t know if he’s projecting, or if he hears a smile. He hopes he’s not projecting. His chest hurts. Tears prick behind his eyes.

“Hi, Makoto,” he says, and even though he and Rin have talked about Makoto lately, it rolls off differently when he’s talking to Makoto himself. “How are you?”

“Good.” Makoto, at least, doesn’t sound like a fucking robot when he’s talking. Haruka hates this. He hates himself.

“That’s good,” Haruka says quietly.

“How’s Australia? You and Rin must be having fun.”

Haruka doesn’t know if he’d call what he and Rin have been doing fun. They’ve raced a lot already, distracting Haruka but not letting him forget what he’s being distracted from.

“It’s okay,” Haruka says.

It’s quiet on both ends. Rin’s watching Haruka, leaning against the lockers with his arms crossed. A part of Haruka wants to tell him to go away, but another part of him is afraid that if Rin leaves, Haruka will be more willing to hang up. He wants to, but now that Makoto’s on the other end, Haruka wants to talk to him forever, too.

Makoto’s the first to break. “I miss you,” he says.

Haruka doesn’t know if he’s talking about their fight, or physically, or—whatever. He decides not to ask.

“I miss you too.” He still sounds like a robot. He hopes Makoto believes him.

Makoto says, “Yeah.”

He doesn’t tell Haruka that he’s changed his mind, that he’s not going to Tokyo for university. Haruka doesn’t apologize, doesn’t take back what he’d said. They’re both quiet on the phone. It feels like their wordless walks back from school.

Haruka decides to ask, “When are you leaving?”

“For – ?”

“For Tokyo.”

“Oh.” Haruka can hear Makoto’s breath catch on the other end. Good. “Not until March, I think.”

“Okay.”

“What about you? I mean—when are you leaving Australia? You’ll be here for nationals, right?”

“Of course,” Haruka says immediately. Had Makoto thought that Haruka would flee Japan forever? Although he supposes it’s not something he wouldn’t do, if conveniences allowed. But Makoto had been the one who suggested for Haruka to come in the first place.

“Okay,” says Makoto. “I’m glad.”

Then: “I miss you.”

“You already said.” Haruka clutches Rin’s phone closer to his ear. It’s a smartphone, rather than Haruka’s regular flip phone, and his perspiring cheek presses against the smooth screen.

“I hope you and Rin aren’t having too much fun without me.” There it is again, Makoto’s smile, hard to miss even if Haruka can’t see it. “Surely you haven’t been swimming this whole time, haven’t you?”

“More or less,” says Haruka. “There’s not much else to do.”

“Haru, you’re in Sydney, Australia! There’s so much you can do!”

“You’ve never been to Australia. You wouldn’t know,” says Haruka, but he sounds natural now and his tone is light like he’d wanted. Haruka wants to stay like this. He wants to pretend that nothing’s wrong. That nothing is wrong.

He hears Makoto laugh. Haruka’s heart rises to his throat. “I guess that’s true,” he says.

Haruka can’t take this—it’s too good, too painful. This phone call isn’t stopping Makoto from still going to Tokyo in a couple of months. “Hold on, I think Rin wants to talk to you,” he says, and Rin swiftly turns to glare at him. Haruka holds the phone out and doesn’t look at Rin; it’s no use trying to push back the tears now.

Rin’s glare turns into worry, and he takes the phone. “Hey, yeah, Makoto,” he says. “I wanted to ask you about…”

As soon as he turns away, the tears fall fast and heavy. Haruka can still hear Makoto’s voice in his ears, the two I miss yous, the not until August, and Haruka bites down on his bottom lip. He presses his forehead against the cool of his locker door. Maybe he does want to stay in Australia and not go back to Japan. Maybe he doesn’t want to face Makoto, face the rejection that Makoto’s already decided to leave him before Haruka even had a choice.

When Rin says goodbye to Makoto and hangs up, he goes back to Haruka. “That went pretty well,” he says. He’s obviously ignoring that Haruka’s still crying against the lockers.

He picks himself up, shrugs, nods. “I guess,” he says quietly.

Makoto would’ve gotten tissues, or out a sleeve to wipe away Haruka’s tears. Rin doesn’t do that, just turns back to his own things. Haruka stares blankly for a moment, then wipes his face with the hem of his shirt.

Lunch is seafood because Haruka had picked again; it does little to soften the blow of the phone call, though. Haruka finds himself crying into his mackerel a couple of times, even though it’s just tears leaking out of his eyes without permission. He’s lost control of his tear ducts; he’s been crying too often lately.

“What do you want to do after this?” Rin asks, placing his wine glass down. He’s acting as if Haruka isn’t crying, and Haruka is grateful.

He looks out to the side. “Swim in the ocean,” he answers.

“Are you sure? I mean, it’s practically winter here, so—”

Rin isn’t Makoto—Haruka won’t feel guilty if Rin warns him against something that’s probably bad for him and Haruka does it anyway. “I want to swim in the ocean,” he repeats.

Rin looks wary. “Okay.”

So they do, and the water’s cold but it’s water and wraps around Haruka, tugs at him like an old friend. It’s almost warm enough to swim in the ocean in Japan, but Haruka feels better about himself for getting a head start here.

Rin sits on the shore, watching him. At one point a kid accidentally stumbles into him, and then Rin ends up spending the rest of the afternoon picking seashells and rocks with them.

Haruka floats on his back, stares at the muggy sky. This moment isn’t the best, but it will pass. The time that Makoto spends Tokyo without him might not.

*

He’s wrinkly when he comes out of the ocean hours later. When he and Rin return to their hotel after dinner, Haruka showers; it’s been so long since he’s been at the beach that he’s a bit astonished to find sand in uncomfortable places. After cleaning himself up a bit, he jerks off in the shower, Makoto’s voice over the phone echoing in his ears.

He’s grateful for the water that disguises that he was crying, and towels off and changes as Rin goes into the shower. When Rin comes back out, Haruka’s already half-asleep in his bed.

Rin joins him without asking. “Man, you’re cold,” he says to Haruka.

“You’re pretty cold yourself.” Rin doesn’t have much body heat. Haruka coughs as Rin gets closer.

Rin uses his hand to feel the back of Haruka’s neck. “You might be sick.”

Haruka shrugs. He buries his face in his blankets and squeezes his eyes shut.

“No swimming tomorrow,” Rin decides, which makes Haruka jolt his eyes open.

“Wait—”

“You’re only gonna get sicker if you do,” says Rin. “And I’m not going to say it was my fault for letting you go into the ocean, because you made the goddamn choice.” He huffs against Haruka’s cheek, which makes Haruka think he feels otherwise.

Haruka pouts. He’s pretty sure he can be warmer and better in the morning, but he doesn’t say anything about it to Rin.

He does wake up cold the next morning, at first thinking it only has to do with the lack of Rin being there. But when he rolls around, Rin’s fast asleep, mouth half open, drooling. Haruka tries to get a little closer to him for warmth, except being closer within Rin’s proximity just makes Rin grumble and yank the sheets his way. Haruka tries to tug them from him, but ends up tugging too hard. He pulls off all the sheets from on top of Rin, and Rin yelps awake.

“What the—” Rin scrambles to sit up. “Haru!”

“Sorry,” Haruka mumbles into the blankets. “Cold.”

Rin goes, “Tch. Yep, no swimming.”

Haruka glares at his pillow. Rin ignores this and stands up, stretches.

“Last full day here and you’ll get sick if you go into the water,” he states, and Haruka buries himself in his blankets even more. “And whose fault is this?”

“Yours.”

“Not mine,” Rin says at the same time, and ignores Haruka. “Although… I want to go swim myself, but I don’t trust you here alone.”

“I won’t do anything,” Haruka says, thinking of taking a nice hot bath. That wouldn’t make his cold get worse. Though he might pass out from fatigue though. And then drown.

“You better not leave the hotel.”

“I’ll probably just sleep.”

“Good.” Rin has his hands on his hips, maybe trying to look intimidating. Haruka doesn’t really care, kind of wants to close his eyes again. Even the appeal of a hot bath is starting to wear off.

“I’ll call to check up every once in a while,” says Rin. “You better pick up when I do.”

Haruka doesn’t all the time, the few hours after Rin leaves. He falls asleep immediately, and the phone ringing every couple of hours feels like a part of his imagination. When he wakes up again at noon, the loud rings blare in his ears. Haruka finally picks up.

“God! Finally, I was getting worried.”

“You honestly didn’t expect me to answer every time while I was sleeping, did you?” Haruka asks.

Rin huffs. “Of course I did. I told you to.”

“Whatever.”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks for listening,” Rin says sarcastically. “Hey, I’m going out with some friends for lunch. Do you want me to bring you something back, or are you fine on your own? You can order room service if you want.”

At the mention of food, Haruka’s stomach growls. He considers waiting for Rin to drop off food in the afternoon, but it’ll more than likely just be leftovers, and Haruka can’t wait that long.

“I’ll get room service, I guess,” he says. “Thanks though.”

“Okay,” says Rin. “I’ll probably be back later in the afternoon. Don’t buy too much mackerel.”

Haruka likes to think he doesn’t. He orders what Rin had gotten him last time, plus a few other seafood dishes. He remembers the wine from the first day—it hadn’t agreed well with his stomach, but perhaps he can find something that does. No one asks Haruka for identification, but no one from the hotel had asked Rin when he’d ordered wine, either.

If Makoto were with them, he wouldn’t have left Haruka alone. He would’ve insisted against alcohol, instead getting water or milk. He would’ve ordered Haruka’s food, really, and tell him to stay in bed. He would start a hot bath for Haruka if Haruka asked. He would try to cuddle him to get Haruka to be warmer, and Haruka would tell him to stay away because he wouldn’t want to get Makoto sick.

Haruka throws up in the toilet before his food even comes.

His lunch is okay, though, and he prefers the taste of the lighter colored wine than what Rin had gotten them before. The taste is strong but not as sour, and it goes well with the fish.

Rin comes back when Haruka’s been done; he’s now lying in bed and with the television on. “I told you not to order too much,” Rin says, observing the dishes on the desk and table.

“I didn’t.” Haruka pushes down a burp in his throat. “I finished most of it.”

“Did you order wine? Without me?”

Rin lifts up the half-empty bottle and reads the label. “White wine. Blegh.”

“Better than your gross dark stuff.” Haruka stretches on his bed. His limbs feel so light but so tired. Beds are really soft.

“Hey. Don’t talk shit about my taste in alcohol.” Rin points at him and sets the bottle down. He leans against a chair.

“So swimming was really good,” he says eagerly, “although it rained in the morning whicht wasn’t in the forecast so we got a little rained on before they closed the roof.” He chuckles. “Not that it makes a difference since we’re in the water either way.”

“Mm.”

“But Brown and I were racing today, and holy shit we were going so fast and I barely won!” Rin flops onto his own mattress. “I mean, barely, but I still won! And then one of the Olympic trainers that I’ve heard of—you haven’t heard of her probably, so—but she was talked about a lot at my old school, and she came up to me and said that I have really good form and skill and stamina.”

“You do,” Haruka agrees. Rin is agile and aggressive. All bark and no bite, though, when it comes literally. Because Rin’s such a big crier. It’s hard for sharks to actually bite things because of their big noses. Rin’s kind of like that.

An image of Rin with a large nose flashes in Haruka’s mind.

“But that was my day,” says Rin. “How about you?”

Haruka shrugs. “Sleeping.”

“Do you know what you want to do next year yet? After graduation?” Rin asks. “You’ve had a week to think about it.”

Everything in Haruka turns cold suddenly, and a large weight drops in his stomach. “Is that why I’m here? Is that what you and Makoto plotted against me?”

“Haru, no,” Rin says quickly. “I mean, yes, we wanted you to have space and time away from everything to think about your future. Because we care about you.”

“I care about me,” Haruka says defiantly. He sits up in bed; not feeling dignified enough, he slips over the edge. “Is that what you’ve been thinking this whole time I’ve been here? While I’m swimming and eating and sleeping?”

“Not really, you’ve talked about Makoto a lot—”

“Yeah, exactly.” Haruka huffs and folds his arms. He glares to the side. Rin looks caught off-guard and bewildered.

Rin takes a deep breath and seems to compose himself. “Look,” he says, “okay, Haru, I know you’re in love with Makoto. And I’m not going to tell him because it’s none of my business, honestly. But you have you get your head out of this space where your future has anything to do with him, and start thinking about yourself.”

“My future has everything to do with Makoto,” says Haruka. “I can’t just—it’s not just about me.”

“It is.” Rin looks like he wants to say more about something else, but instead presses against Haruka’s point. “You need to figure out what you want for yourself.”

“Nothing! I don’t want anything! Why is that so hard for everyone to understand?”

Haruka’s shouting now, which is the last thing he’d wanted. His head hurts and he’s shouting and he realizes a little belatedly that Rin had said that he’s in love with Makoto, and Haruka had gone with it because it makes sense, it’s true, he’s never actually had to put it into words before, and all he can hear is, not until August, and Haruka just wants Makoto’s voice to say, never, never, never.

“It’s not about me, it’s never been about me!” His headache is getting worse. “University is a choice, isn’t it? What if I just don’t go, I stay with Rei and Nagisa—or go to Tokyo to be with Makoto?” That’s the obvious decision, but he knows in the back of his mind Makoto would scold him and tell him to make his own choices. “Or go with you to—wherever the hell you’re going!”

“You can’t just stay with your friends or go to Tokyo just for Makoto!”

“Why not?” Haruka’s standing up now. Rin looks like he wants to shove him up against another goddamn wall, but the only thing behind Haruka is his bed.

“Think about yourself, asshole!”

“You and the others seem to be doing enough of that for me,” Haruka fires at him. “What if I am thinking about myself by wanting to go with my friends? That’s why I swim. That’s why I do everything else. For my friends. I thought you’d get that.”

“I do, I just—”

“‘For the team,’ remember?” Haruka snarls. “You of all people should understand me. But you’re just trying to swim competitively all by yourself, instead of staying with your friends.”

He doesn’t know where that came from. Rin’s expression twists into a nasty scowl.

“Shut the fuck up,” he says, making his way toward Haruka. “You know I’ve wanted this since I was younger, you know I fucking had that exact fucking problem when I came here to Australia in the first place. So don’t bring this into a conversation that’s about you.”

He’s so close to Haruka that Haruka ends up falling backwards on the bed. Rin remains standing, flashes of how he was last year appearing across his face.

“You could still get scouted at nationals,” he says to Haruka matter-of-factly. “You have decent enough grades to get into a local university, much less a university in Tokyo. With Makoto. So what the fuck are you doing, saying that you don’t want anything, you’re just going to do shit for your friends? It’s your goddamn life, you asshole.”

“Rin—” Haruka says.

“I don’t want to hear it. Looking at you pisses me off.”

Rin turns away. He has his hands on his hips again. Haruka’s sobered up, staring listlessly at Rin’s back.

“I need to go for a walk,” Rin says finally.

Haruka stands up. “Rin,” he starts. “I’m sor—”

Rin’s already at the door, and says, “Later.” He shuts the door before Haruka can finish his apology.

Haruka’s head is swimming as he climbs back into bed. He’s too tired to turn the light off, even though it makes the space between his temples hurt.

He dreams of Makoto, telling Haruka that he won’t leave, that he’ll be gone and never come back. Nagisa tells him he’s not needed anymore and Rei tells him his presence is useless and Gou tells him to move on, why should Haruka stay with them now. Rin says that he should find his dream, just find his goddamn dream, but all that’s behind Rin is nothing, and that’s what Haruka’s falling into. Sousuke’s telling him he’s a failure, and then there’s Rin again, screaming at him for not wanting to swim competitively, not wanting to do anything, and the water is pulling at Haruka’s limbs, drowning him, betraying him, like they’d done at regionals, and Haruka chokes until he can’t breathe.

He wakes up in a cold sweat. The light is still on and hurts his eyes. Haruka sits up to turn it off.

Rin still isn’t back yet, from—wherever he is. Haruka hopes he’s okay. He considers calling him, before he remembers that his phone won’t work, and he can’t read the instruction booklet to work the room phone.

The clock on the nightstand has 2:02 burned in bright red letters. Haruka turns away from it.

The ugly irony of everything is that he’s alone here, like he’s going to be in a few months. Like he already is now. Haruka curls up in his bed, the smallest he can get. His body shakes as he cries. He wants to disappear.

He feels desperate, so desperate. He uses his phone’s internet to buy an international plan, and then goes into his contacts list and calls.

Makoto answers on the third ring. “Hello?” he says sleepily.

“Makoto,” Haruka chokes out, and his voice feels so ugly and his nose is clogged up and he doesn’t care. Hearing Makoto makes him cry even more.

“Haru?”

That Makoto still perks up when it’s him hits Haruka the most. He needs Makoto now. He doesn’t want to stop needing Makoto. Fuck, fuck, it hurts so much.

“Makoto,” Haruka says again, wishes he could articulate this all properly. “M-Makoto, I love you.”

It spills out and Haruka doesn’t regret it. He hears a pause on the other end and doesn’t care. “I love you,” he says, “I don’t want you to leave me, I d-don’t want you to do whatever you want, I just want you to stay with me, I-I’m—”

He hiccups. He’s hard under his boxers, from the sick and the sleep and Makoto’s tense breathing on the other end.

Finally, Makoto says, “I love you too. I have.”

He clears his throat. “I mean, I still do. I wanted what was—is best for you. I wanted the world to see your swimming, and even if that’s not something you want, that’s okay. Whatever you want, I’ll want it for you, too.”

“Then why can’t you see it’s nothing?” Haruka blubbers into his pillow. “I’ve been—every time I think about it, it’s nothing, I don’t know what I want or where to go, I just get stressed—”

His anxiety bubbles at his throat again, and taking this head-on is not relieving at all. Haruka wishes he wouldn’t have to talk about it. He wishes time didn’t exist at all.

“Take a leap of faith, Haru,” says Makoto. “You don’t have to be certain, you can just take something and go with it.”

And Makoto says that because he already has, that’s what he’s done, and that just hurts more.

“It’s not that easy for me!” Haruka cries. His phone is digging into the bed, into his cheek. “I don’t have a lifelong dream, like Rin, or can just pick a university with confidence, like you—I can’t—”

“It wasn’t easy for me, either,” Makoto interrupts. “I didn’t choose to leave you; I made a decision for myself by myself.”

“I thought you were with me.”

“I can’t wait for you, Haru,” says Makoto, and everything sinks like an entire ship being weighed down by its anchor. “I can’t wait, because then neither of us would have any place to go.”

“We don’t need—”

“We do,” says Makoto. “And I’m not going to stop you from making your own decisions, but I’ve already made mine.”

His voice is gentle, but firm. Haruka is quiet.

Then:

“I want to be with you.”

“Okay,” says Makoto calmly, surprisingly.

“I don’t want anything else.”

“Okay.”

“Is,” Haruka hesitates. Maybe relief floods over him, or maybe it’s something else. Makoto is too easy to please and it feels like everything’s moving too fast and Haruka loves it.

He asks, “Is that okay? Rin told me not to make my decisions based on you.”

“In the end it’s still yours to make.” Makoto pauses for a moment. “But you can’t live life aimlessly forever, you know. One day you’ll be working toward something.”

Haruka will take it.

“Alright,” he says.

Then, because he’s curious, “Are you working toward something?”

“Sort of.” There’s a small shuffle on the other end like Makoto’s big shoulders have shrugged. “Good university experience, good job. I’m not too sure yet, either.”

“Yeah?” Haruka adjusts into his damp pillows. The thought of Makoto strolling along as a carefree university student doesn’t affect him as much anymore. Haruka actually smiles. He hopes in this image that he’s somewhere in there, too.

“Definitely help my parents pay for Ren and Ran to go to university, too,” Makoto says thoughtfully. Then, teasingly, “Live with you. Get married. Maybe adopt kids.”

The former two send flutters into Haruka’s stomach; the latter dispels them. Haruka tells Makoto this, and Makoto laughs.

“I mean, we’ll see when we get there,” he says. It’s obvious that he’s blushing on the other end.

“You would be a good parent,” Haruka admits.

“Thanks,” says Makoto. He adds sheepishly, “I am good with kids.”

“I’m aroused.”

“H-Haru!” Makoto stutters. Haruka imagines that he’s fumbling with his phone because he’s almost dropped it. It sort of sounds like that.

“I have been,” says Haruka. “I can take care of it.”

“Not while we’re on the phone!”

“Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.”

Haruka can practically see Makoto blushing from these thousands of miles away. The heel of his hand accidentally brushes against the front of his shorts, but the sound of Makoto’s voice is even better.

“It’s late,” he realizes.

“Mm,” Makoto agrees. “It’s past one here.”

The digital red doesn’t hurt Haruka’s eyes as much. “Almost two thirty here.”

“Haru! You need to sleep.”

“Yeah,” says Haruka. “I’m coming back tomorrow.”

“Oh,” says Makoto, and then, “oh right, nationals.”

“Mm.”

There’s another small silence. Haruka’s okay with listening to Makoto’s soft exhales on the other end.

“I’m sorry,” Makoto says suddenly, which catches Haruka by surprise. “For telling you about Tokyo last.”

“It’s.” Haruka considers. He knows now. He wants to go to Tokyo, too, for Makoto or university or both. “It’s alright,” he decides.

“I wasn’t sure myself, doing something that might separate me from you,” Makoto says. “We’ve known each other for too long.”

The easiness of his tone lets Haruka knows he’s joking. Haruka still says, “Not enough.”

Makoto sounds absolutely delighted when he laughs.

*

Haruka ends up getting six hours of sleep, but Rin probably got less, because he’s the one who wakes Haruka up before nine the next morning.

“We’ve got a flight to catch,” Rin grumbles. He has shadows under his eyes and his mouth is downturned into a scowl.

Haruka obeys quietly and gets himself ready. As they pack away their dirty clothes, Haruka finds one of Rin’s swimsuits mixed up with his stuff. He hands it over to him.

“Thanks,” Rin says gruffly.

Haruka watches him for a moment. “Sorry,” he says. “About yesterday.”

“It’s.” Rin stops too, and then shrugs, more like he doesn’t want to talk about it than that he’s gotten over it. “Whatever.”

“No, Rin.”

Haruka straightens up. Rin’s still bent over, and glances at him.

“You’re a good swimmer,” says Haruka. “Individually. Relays. Everything. Competitive swimming is definitely for you.”

Rin seems shocked into silence, so Haruka adds hastily, “You should go for it.”

Rin stares at him. Then he stands up too, and punches Haruka in the shoulder.

“Well duh,” he says, and he sounds less aggravated now. “That’s what I’ve been doing since I was ten.”

Haruka gives him a smile. Rin throws his arms around him without warning, and wraps him into a tight hug. Haruka pats him twice on the back.

“I’m glad you got home safe yesterday,” he says, when Rin lets him go. “When did you come back?”

“Don’t worry about that,” says Rin, so Haruka only half-worries and tries to find an indicator in Rin’s baggy eyes. “I did sleep. I just took a walk on the beach ’cause needed to think some things over. But now you’ve made a lot of that go away.”

Haruka’s still observing Rin’s face. “Four o’clock,” he says. “You came back at four in the morning.”

“You can’t prove that.”

Their plane boards at eleven, and Rin almost accidentally sits in the wrong aisle. They both sleep through the whole flight. Haruka wakes up first, just as the plane’s beginning to descend. Rin’s head is on Haruka’s shoulder. There’s a drool stain on Haruka’s jacket. He’s not sure who it’s from.

When they disembark, they take a shuttle to the terminal. Haruka can feel the Japan heat; he’s missed it. They go through customs, and the longing to see Makoto hits Haruka harder than it had before.

But he doesn’t need to wait for long, because Makoto is there at the exit gate, along with Rei and Nagisa and Gou. Nagisa is waving eagerly; Rei is trying to stop him from attracting so much attention. Gou cries, “There they are!”

“Makoto,” Haruka says under his breath, before anything. There Makoto stands, making Haruka’s head dizzy; had a week really been that long?

“Hi guys,” Rin says, and Nagisa and Gou jump on him immediately. Makoto’s gaze diverts from Haruka’s just for a second, and he cheerfully greets Rin back.

“How was Australia, Haruka-senpai?” Rei asks.

“It was good.” Haruka struggles not to stare at Makoto, too. “I swam a lot.”

“Yeah, except for the last day, where this dumbass got sick.” Rin elbows Haruka, and Haruka smiles.

Everything feels dropped, lifted up, and floated away, gone. Makoto doesn’t say anything yet, but he moves to Haruka’s side so that their shoulders brush. Haruka presses closer.

“You guys didn’t have to come to the airport for us,” Rin tells them.

“Oh, but we wanted to, Rin-chan!” Nagisa says eagerly. “Though I thought you would look tan because of Australia.” He pouts. “It doesn’t look like anything has changed at all.”

“It’s practically winter there,” Rin laughs. “We were swimming indoors most of the time.”

“How were the races there?” Rei asks. “Was it more intense than regionals?”

“Duh,” Rin says. “These guys are training for the Olympics. I mean, I guess I am too, but the regimen in Australia is…”

Their conversation continues as they make their way out of the airport, Rei and Nagisa hanging onto his every word. Haruka and Makoto still haven’t said anything yet, but Gou hangs behind with them as well.

“You look better, Haruka-senpai,” she says.

“Thanks,” says Haruka.

“Did my brother do anything wild? I barely have any idea of what he did the last time he was in Australia, but this time I have you to report back to me!”

Haruka shrugs. “Like he said, swim,” he answers. “He likes the red wine a lot, too. He said he had it before. I prefer the white.”

“You mean he—” Gou halts, and then runs up to catch up with the others. “Onii-chan! You told me that that Australian wine in the cabinet was Mom’s!”

Makoto asks, “You had alcohol?” His eyebrows are raised in surprise, not worry. Haruka bumps their shoulders together.

“A little,” he says.

“But Rin looked after you, right?”

“A little,” Haruka repeats.

Makoto looks like he doesn’t know if he should take Haruka seriously or not. He apparently decides to just drop the subject.

“I missed you,” he says instead.

“You’ve said that a lot.”

“Because it’s true,” says Makoto. “I don’t just mean while you were in Australia—well, you were in Australia most of the time, I guess—but. After the. I thought you might call.”

“You didn’t call either, did you?” Haruka says, and Makoto stutters.

Haruka decides, fuck it, and stops and grabs Makoto’s hand and places their mouths together. It’s the thing to distract Makoto from his embarrassment, and from talking about last week, and also because it feels natural and so, so good. Makoto is even bigger up close like this, but not really, slotting into the angles that Haruka’s been missing. His lips are as soft as the rest of him, and he tilts his head, grasping onto Haruka’s shoulders, as Haruka’s body caresses into his.

“Okay,” says Makoto, when they’ve drifted apart. “Okay, I’ve been wanting that.”

“It was nice,” Haruka says.

“Yeah,” says Makoto. “It was.”

They stand in the middle of the sidewalk, their hands interlocked.

Rin and the others have already reached the train station. “Hurry up!” calls Gou. “You might miss it!”

“They’re not going to miss anything,” Rin assures her. “It’s not coming for another ten minutes.”

“They have plenty of time for whatever they want,” says Nagisa. “Maybe if they do it quickly?”

“Shut up, Nagisa,” says Rin, and Rei bats Nagisa upside the head.

Haruka and Makoto start walking towards them. It’s a little bit embarrassing, their hands together, but Haruka’s been away from this warmth for so long that he doesn’t care. Makoto’s hands are big, wondrous, and Haruka’s carved an opening between his fingers. So that his own hand fits.

Makoto turns to him, beaming. “So,” he says. “What’s next?”

“Nationals,” Haruka answers.

If possible, Makoto’s smile gets brighter, and he squeezes Haruka’s hand.

Haruka squeezes back because it feels natural.